The final TRSTVSOTW of 2009! (And it's really a couple of years old, but with so few stations actually spending marketing money these days, we have to reach back in time for this award occasionally.)

If you're gonna spend time and money on a TV commercial, by golly it's best to get as much information in it as you can, don't you agree? That's the philosophy here. Just about everything you could ever want to know about Clear Channel's WAGH (Magic 101.3)/Columbus, Georgia flashes before your eyes in this thirty second Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™...jock line-up, request line number, web site, power, antenna height, former call letters, station van license plate, transmitter brand, latitude, longitude, seasonal average temperature, it's all here if you look hard enough. See how much you retain, and if just one fact sticks in your mind...well then, Magic 101.3 got their money's worth out of this TRSTVSOTW!

GOP aids Kimbrough as stalker threat mounts

Right wing talker and syndication star Derf Kimbrough is so paranoid of stalkers that he's convinced the Republican party to help him stay underground, All The Excess! has learned.
Fearing attacks from people who may or may not exist, Kimbrough has appealed to the GOP to help him secretly move his base of operations each day. When Kimbrough's show leaves the air, a team of bodyguards whisks him away, blindfolds him, and limos the talker to another affiliate station, from which he broadcasts the next day's show.
Kimbrough may not even know where he is when he's on the air, and that's just fine by him, sources say. Reportedly, the Republican National Committee's Kimbrough-moving machine uses similar tactics to the ones employed when the vice president is taken to secret locations at times of national emergency.
Meanwhile, the war of words between Kimbrough and the White House escalated again yesterday, with the talk host calling the President "a pansy on terrorism." The high office responded by labeling Kimbrough a "cesspool of misinformation."

Still playing "White Christmas?"

When we noticed that Frugalstar's Adult Standards WISY ("Wissy 1060")/Buffalo was still in continuous holiday mode yesterday (Monday) at 5pm, we wondered if they were stunting ahead of a format flip.
Our calls to new Station Manager Ira Lifschutz were not returned, but while listening to WISY's stream shortly after leaving our first message, we noticed that the automated station abruptly switched back to its regular Steve-and-Eydie format, dumping out of holiday programming in the middle of "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenters.

The all-new Buffalo board at All The Excess! is discussing the WISY situation here.

Exclusive video of Christmas Day Pope attack

In this week's episode, Rob, Buddy, and Sally spend Christmas in Rome. Laura stays at home "nursing" a "sick" Alan Brady back to health. With Dick Van Dyke, Mary Tyler Moore. (Color)

Aircheck collector calls it quits

The self-proclaimed "King of All Radio Geeks" says he's through.
For over twenty-five years, Von Smartrow has lived in his recreational vehicle with no permanent address, going from radio station to radio station recording audio and video airchecks of famous and not-so-famous talent. Sales of his recordings have helped him break even, but haven't made him rich.
"This is just no fun any more," Smartrow told All The Excess!
Often called "Radio's best bud," Smartrow says he reached his decision to quit last week, when he arrived at WBIC/Birmingham, camcorder at the ready. "I had already set up my mic and tripod in the studio, when I heard the syndicated morning show sign off and throw it to Ryan Seacrest for the next shift." At that point Smartrow knew he likely wouldn't see another human pass through the studio door for many hours.
He blames consolidation and syndication for his sudden career crossroads. "Everybody sounds alike, or in the case of Seacrest, one person is doing a show for hundreds of markets. I can't make a living by selling just one video of Ryan Seacrest doing his show for the entire nation. I'm finished."
Smartrow says he'll likely settle down in one place for a while and pursue his second-choice career as a male escort specializing in bondage and discipline scenes. "The camera will still come in handy," he claims.

OK, we mean it this time

Now we're really going to take some time off. Gotta do that last minute shopping...Craigslist says there's some bargain office furniture and a used coffee machine over at WABC and WPLJ, our local Citadel stations. And speaking of BK, then it's the All The Excess! holiday party at Burger King  (free Junior Whoppers, one per employee...mmmmm!). Then our staff will finally get some rest from digging up the radio dirt. To everyone but Tiger Woods, give your family lots of warm hugs this holiday season, because we know you can't afford gifts on unemployment. And come back and visit us Monday when we'll once again be making spirits bright. Fa la la la la la la la la!

Tiger Woods: A holiday message



Though the radar-like graphics might suggest that this station beams from the middle of Northern Africa, Free Fire Media's KCNR is actually in the Redding, California market. Though the thrust of this commercial is that the station is locally owned and operated, no fewer than seven nationally syndicated talk programs are showcased. And though it might seem rife with contradictions, this Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™ gets the award for budget consciousness, not logic. As the nationally networked talk blasts from the locally owned and operated transmitter, Northern Californians see this marvelously frugal commercial on their local television sets. Enjoy!

Johnny Van Suedanbitter: A holiday message

Johnny Van Suedanbitter is well known throughout the industry as a one time radio guy, camp counselor, life coach, magazine editor, personal trainer, therapist, mobile DJ, professional eulogy deliverer, and most recently as a motivational speaker giving seminars around the country. He's been called "The Tony Roberts of Doom" by Flask Company magazine. All The Excess! asked Johnny to contribute a 2009 holiday message.

I'm almost speechless.
Almost.
You see, many of my predictions are coming true.
Just call me the Amazing Kreskin.
Citadel and Fagreed...well, you know.
I've written about them until I'm blue in the face...see new photo.
In fact, I have hundreds of photos of myself which you'll see when you visit my blog, "Insulting Media's Mediocrity."
Collect the whole set.
But I digress.
A lot.
Anyway, it's all coming true.
I told you it was going to get worse.
Before it gets better.
If it gets better.
And you don't have to read between the lines.
But I leave lots of space between lines in case you want to try.
It's holiday time.
"Ho ho ho!"
(That's not an uncharacteristic lapse into happiness, it's the title of my favorite RuPaul album.)
It sucks out there.
People are jobless.
Penniless.
Broke.
Zip.
Nada.
So it's a great time to hold a seminar, I say.
Say "happy holidays" to yourself and go without meals for a couple of months.
It'll be worth it, I promise.
You can sign up over at my blog.
What are you doing reading this one, anyway?
If you're a true glutton for punishment, I give you all you could ever want over at my blog.
I'm the lump of coal in your stocking.
I'm the Scrooge who won't come to the holiday party.
I'm the Grinch.
So if you're expecting a jolly holiday remark from me, you're looking at the wrong guy.
2010? Bah.
More of the same.
Same crap, different year.
Same blog, different words.
Well, a lot of the same words in slightly different order.
Daily.
If they ever fix radio, I don't know what I'll write about.
So I'm secretly praying that they don't.
I give advice I know no one will take.
Then when they don't, I say, "told ya so."
I don't have any real solutions anyway, but did I mention my seminar?
Thought so. But it scrolled off the screen so I wasn't sure.
Sign up. We'll have fun.
I'll tell depressing stories about how the good old days won't be back.
You'll sit in an uncomfortable hotel chair and listen.
Good times.
Anyway, thanks to All The Excess! for the chance to express myself.
When I want to see myself parodied, I come here.
But humor is fleeting.
Soon I'm sour again.
And when I'm sour, you're gonna know about it.
I almost parody myself.
Almost.
Happy...ah, forget about it.

Citadel files bankruptcy

Yawn. So anti-climactic. Who didn't know this was coming? Only the "when" was in question. Other news headlines with equal shock value:
--109 year old man dies.

--Sun rises.

--Tiger Woods' wife bails.

--December cold grips much of nation.

--Obama has tough time in first year cleaning up mess left behind.

    Ten great things about radio in 2009

    We've been wrongly accused of dwelling on radio's negatives, so All The Excess! proves that we can highlight the industry's redeeming qualities with this list of ten great things about our biz in 2009.

    10. Unemployment gives one lots of time to publish snarky blogs.
    9. Transmitter needs repair? Corporate is just fine with turning it off for a while!
    8. Fewer bodies, therefore less of a chance that someone steals the PD's R&R (applicable before 6/5/09 only)
    7. PPM suggests listeners prefer that you're quiet, so screw that time-consuming show prep!
    6. Three words: Ryan Seacrest's wit.
    5. HR directors need not devote so much time to posting those pesky openings.
    4. Market manager has to keep track of so many entities that he's off the hook when someone dies as a result of a stunt pulled by one of his stations.
    3. Companies can still find the cash to rescue one-time teen heart throbs from late night network television obscurity.
    2. Pre-packaged bankruptcy assures leadership status quo.
    1. No need to clean studio for the next jock - there isn't one!

    The twelfth day of..."Mental Beast"

    The series finale.

    Mental Beast Episode Twelve from the shots on Vimeo.

    No chicken is safe

    Warning: Legitimate news item - A remarkable vocabulary earns rewards. According to the New York Daily News, Ernie Anastos is close to signing a 3-year deal to remain lead anchor on Fox TV station WNYW/NYC.
    It gives us cause to think back to one of 2009's greatest moments in broadcasting. On September 16, Ernie inadvertently (?) "mis-spoke" and contributed a whole new catch phrase to pop culture. It's the fleeting expletive that may well be Anastos' legacy, overshadowing his many years of television journalism in the Big Apple.

    Eleventh "Mental Beast" episode

    One more to go after this 'un:

    Mental Beast: Episode 11 - Christmas, the Family & Steve Nelson of Machu Picchu by MentalBeast

    On the tenth day of Christmas, "Mental Beast" gave to us....

    Number nine, number nine, number nine...

    Again, our thanks to the "Mental Beasts" who arrived with their video/audio web series just in time to divert attention away from our apathetic case of writer's block. The break they've allowed us to take from the mind-numbing drudgery of inventing radio news from an alternate universe has to be something that we'll eventually come to cherish.
    Here's the ninth installment of the 12-part series.

    Still MORE "Mental Beast" - #8



    This week's holiday-themed TRSTVSOTW comes from Clear Channel's WIBT/Charlotte and their "A.M. Mayhem" show. You may recall that cast member Cubby is the guy who got on a school bus a while back just to see if he could, angering locals and authorities in the process. His behavior in this Scrooge-approved commercial is bound to redeem his community image, we think. Happy holidays indeed!


    Mental Beast - 7

    Dave and Kevin at KRML discuss how to deal with too many Santas with Adrian Teacher of Apollo Ghosts.

    Mental Beast: Episode 7 - Too Many Santas & Adrian Teacher of Apollo Ghosts by MentalBeast

    Mental Beast - 6

    Mental Beast Episode Six from the shots on Vimeo.

    Mental Beast - 5

    Dave and Kevin at KRML discuss 'doing a bad and getting rewarded with Cam Dales, DJ and fashion editor for Pyramid Power.

    Mental Beast: Episode 5 - Doing a Bad & Getting Away With It & Cam Dales by MentalBeast

    Mental Beast - 4

    Mental Beast - 3

    Thank god for Mental Beast, the 12-part web series which is taking some of the load off our All The Excess! staff during our holiday doldrums...this one's audio only:
    Mental Beast: Episode Three - Mischievousness & Actor/Comedian Paul Anthony by MentalBeast

    "Mental Beast" Episode Two

    If you recall, episode one was audio only. We're back to audio and video in episode two.



    Here come the holiday Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™ winners! Precocious little Hannah makes sure this TRSTVSOTW from Withers Broadcasting Company's WDCI/Bridgeport, WV leaves a ringing in your ears that will forever remind you of its impact. And by the rules, that impact must come at a minimum expense, which we believe is proved undeniably by the production values you see and hear. And notice the parade of sponsor mentions - why, it's possible that this Thrifty cost WDCI nothing to produce at all! (Just watch out for those child labor laws, guys.)

    Mental Beast, Episode One

    On Thursday of last week we told you about "Mental Beast," the innovative 12-episode comedy series that tells the story of KRML, a radio station on the verge of collapse. Today we have the first episode - it's audio only, with eleven more audio and video episodes to come.

    Take Your Name Off Your Phone

    An All The Excess! musical moment: This tender and touching love ballad reveals how a once invincible Tiger cowers like a cornered kitty when a certain name on a certain phone implicates him in marital wrongs. Sadly, this epic arrives a few days too late to earn a Grammy nomination.

    Congress hears Arbitron PPM complaints

    A story in pictures...

    Mental Beast

    As we monitored Twitter, we happened upon a tweet about this upcoming web series set at fictitious radio station KRML. (Of course we know that KRML is a real radio station in Carmel, California, made famous in the movie "Play Misty For Me.") Some investigation took us to the web site mentalbeast.com where we found this write-up:
    Mental Beast is an innovative 12-episode comedy series that spans two mediums, with two totally distinct show formats — audio and video. It tells the story of KRML, a radio station on the verge of collapse, by bouncing between the audio episodes of a radio show called Mental Beast and video episodes depicting the station’s behind-the-scenes exploits.
    The KRML station staff is comprised entirely of Vancouver’s finest alternative comedians, actors, and performers. In addition, Mental Beast was written by the same people that created the web-series With Friends Like These and the pioneering promotional videos, the Music Waste Shorts.
    Production of the videos is being handled by local film crews The Shots, and Leo Award nominated Awkward Moment Productions; production of the audio series is under the supervision of CBC Radio3 producer Chris Kelly.
    Mental Beast officially begins on Monday, December 7. For now, we have the "prologue" for your viewing pleasure.

    Stork droppings

    It's been a while since we checked to see if radio people are continuing to procreate during these craptastic and heinous economic times, and by gosh, they are! The latest to plop some out:
    The former national program director of the now-defunct Daisy Broadcasting chain, "Hypin'" Harry Pitts and wife Peaches welcomed daughter Aroma Jasmine, November 5.
    It's a boy for WYUV/Richmond PD Vivian DuBois and partner Lorraine Lemontree as one of them (we're not sure) gave birth to son Maxamillian Cassavetes DuBois-Lemontree, a name that's sure to require wider credit cards in the future. The blessed event occurred on November 22.
    Three times the fun for former KOOT/Tucson MD Lucky Stiffinson, whose two years plus on the beach gave him lots of time to get it right with wife Brunhilda, leading to the triple-crotchspawn of Diana, Rihanna, and Rosannadanna, born on October 31 and November 1. Lucky reminds potential employers that he's now three times as available for his next opportunity.

    Three sensational stories in one

    Just call it "consolidated news"
    Unconfirmed sources tell All The Excess! that, in a scene that unites three recent news stories of unending national interest, today's Congressional hearing on Arbitron's Portable People Meter system was crashed by wounded golfer Tiger Woods. Details as we get them.

    Nothing tickles a Country radio listener quite like seeing a man in drag! That, plus the obviously tiny budget for this television commercial, earn it the coveted Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™ award. And it comes kickin' its way to you from Houston, and CBS Radio's KILT-FM.



    Thrifties abound in the All The Excess! archives. Six months' worth plus! Type "Thrifty" in the search box and see the amazing results of cost cutting from radio entities worldwide.

    Grinch grabs Grand Rapids

    Listeners expecting to hear "Soft and Easy Joy 99" this morning were jolted out of bed by the new sound of "99.7 The Grinch," as Dolittle Broadcasting's WJLI/Grand Rapids adopted a "no holiday music" format.
    "With six stations audible in the metro doing all-holiday formats, we thought this would be a way to separate ourselves," said GM Tim Cratchett.
    Shortly before 7am, the station began stunting with holiday music, blowing up each song after its first chorus. Destroyed ditties included "Last Christmas" by Wham!, "Merry Christmas Darling" by The Carpenters, and "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney.
    After a short message by Cratchett, The Grinch played its first song, "D.O.A." by Bloodrock, dedicating it to Santa Claus. The first hour of the new format also featured Barry McGuire's "Eve of Destruction," "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter, and "I Hate You" by Pink. The music choice can only be described as eclectic, and core artists have yet to emerge.
    "The one consistent thing about The Grinch - no holiday music!" Cratchett said. He added that response from advertisers has been "better than it was before the switch, which admittedly isn't saying much."
    The station is running jockless for now, having released all airstaffers, including the long-running morning duo of Dan Holloway and Jewel Tyde. Holloway told us, "We were told our names were too close to 'holiday' and 'yuletide' for us to be part of the new format, as we were shown the door."
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