How 'bout a nice, hot, steaming cup of WTF?
Today we received this email from Google AdSense:
"While going through our records recently, we found that your AdSense
account has posed a significant risk to our AdWords advertisers. Since
keeping your account in our publisher network may financially damage our
advertisers in the future, we've decided to disable your account.
"Please understand that we consider this a necessary step to protect the
interests of both our advertisers and our other AdSense publishers. We
realize the inconvenience this may cause you, and we thank you in advance
for your understanding and cooperation."
The loss of advertising revenue from Google AdSense will barely be noticed. It was not significant.
Originally, we took this as an affront to our content, but after some serious thought prompted by various emails from those of you with some experience with the Google AdSense phenomenon, we've moved quickly to apply to join Amazon Associates and have begun displaying their ads. And since they want their ads noticed only when the ad content genuinely interests a reader, this is likely the last time you'll see anything about the subject of advertising on this blog.
To those of you who cared enough to email when you detected our paranoia, thank you. For those of you who were alarmed that this might mean an end to All The Excess!, fear not. And for those of you who didn't follow this story and are going WTF?, move along to the next post; there's nothing more to see here.
Originally, we took this as an affront to our content, but after some serious thought prompted by various emails from those of you with some experience with the Google AdSense phenomenon, we've moved quickly to apply to join Amazon Associates and have begun displaying their ads. And since they want their ads noticed only when the ad content genuinely interests a reader, this is likely the last time you'll see anything about the subject of advertising on this blog.
To those of you who cared enough to email when you detected our paranoia, thank you. For those of you who were alarmed that this might mean an end to All The Excess!, fear not. And for those of you who didn't follow this story and are going WTF?, move along to the next post; there's nothing more to see here.
Life on the de-list
The Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul were ravaged by a howling windstorm Tuesday, causing downed power lines, toppled trees, and subsequent traffic tie-ups all over the metropolitan area. The storm lasted only fifteen minutes, and local meteorologists were at a loss to explain the phenomenon.That is, until they heard that Minneapolis-based Ennui Broadcasting, whose stock had plummeted to the value of half a postage stamp just a few months ago, had been told that their stock had improved enough that being de-listed from the NASDAQ was no longer a threat.
"The wind was obviously a collective sigh of relief from Ennui headquarters," concluded leading TV weatherman Riley Unlikely.
Indeed, a celebratory spirit overtook the company's home office, prompting National Program Director Julius Genius to command all Ennui music stations to promote a "Re-listing Weekend" this coming Saturday and Sunday.
"We'll play only the songs that we've dropped over the past year...re-listing them on our playlists, Genius declared. "It may be a lousy, mediocre weekend of stiffs, but that just means they'lll love us that much more on Monday morning!"
The ever-volatile Ennui stock closed Wednesday at $0.89, inexplicably losing 17% of its value, although it will have to remain under a dollar for thirty days for de-listing to be a concern again.
Citadel need not worry about WKQZ (Z93)/Saginaw bankrupting the company (further) with insane production costs for a measly TV commercial. Not when they've got this week's Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™ in the bag. Are these faces for radio finally revealed during this 30 seconds of inexpensive bliss? You'll have to watch.
The Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™ award is bestowed each Wednesday and no official entry is required - we find you. Enjoy more than half a year's worth of TRSTVSOTW's by typing "thrifty" in the All The Excess! search box.
Research firms offer perks to keep your business
In an economy that can only be described as "craptastic," one of a radio station's first and easiest budget cuts is in the area of research. The major consulting and research firms know this, and are responding with never-before-seen premiums in order to keep your business.At The Devius Group, a "Frequent Focus Points" system lets you earn points for each focus group you schedule. Points can be redeemed for everything from kitchen appliances to family vacations. "It's like green stamps without all the licking," says Devius Group President Manilla Folder. Also, if you're looking for reasons to get rid of high-priced talent, bottom line-conscious Devius Group consultants will pen a blistering critique for a discounted fee.
Cleveland-based Holefinders, Inc. specializes in determining new formats to appeal to a market's unserved radio listeners. For the first time, they're offering a guarantee, says Holefinders CEO Dick Riviera: "If you think you know what your next format should be, put your guess in a sealed envelope and send it to us. We'll open it after your market study, and if you were right all along, our service is free! That's how sure we are that you're horribly off base."
Nebulous Research of Los Angeles continues their notorious offer to tailor research data to your desired outcome, but that secret pact still requires top dollar. However, to move cheaper packages, they now promise that if they can't prove that your music station needs to switch to a talk format, they'll pay 50% of your first year's performance royalty. Nebulous VP/GM Baxter Shiftee has curbed clients' travel expenses by agreeing to settle for business class when flying in for visits.
At Braintrust Hierarchy, a leading music testing firm, they've implemented a sweepstakes in which companies who purchase their services are entered into a monthly drawing for extravagant gifts, often with a celebrity component. This month, says BH President Doyle E. Knitter, it's "a fabulous night out on the town with champagne, limo service, a deluxe hotel suite, and an all access pass to actress Heather Locklear."
Brokaw joins ranks of radio owners
Broadcast veteran and former NBC Nightly News anchorman Tom Brokaw is the latest to dip a toe into the shark-infested radio ownership waters.Brokaw and partners have purchased Urban WLRL/Hawking Falls, SC (currently in receivership) for $91,000, according to papers filed with the FCC Monday. The sale is dependent on approval by the Commission.
All The Excess! reporters happened to catch Brokaw near NBC headquarters in Rockefeller Plaza Monday, but he would not comment on his purchase except to attempt, with some difficulty, to say "Radio heard here!" and flash the thumbs-up sign.
A spokesman for Brokaw, contacted later, said that the newsman is "stoked" about radio ownership, and offered that the first order of business once WLRL is acquired will be to change the call letters "to something the owner can pronounce."
Want HD Radio discount? Urine luck!
The HD Radio Rah Rah Association (HDRRRA) has announced the winner in a nationwide contest looking for the most compelling retail promotional opportunity for the fledgling product.Promotion Director Carly Reiner of WHIU/Toupee Mills, NC will receive the grand prize of a Microsoft Zune for submitting the winning idea, "Save Your Pee for HD," a promotion requiring consumers to stockpile urine and bring quantities of the liquid to retailers in exchange for deep discounts on HD Radios. Despite it being similar in name and theme to a radio contest currently in litigation, the HDRRRA deemed Reiner's entry best among the twelve received.
"Implementation of Carly's excellent idea will be swift," said HDRRRA President Gavin Lemmings, "so that the discounts can be claimed during the holiday season, when Americans typically produce more urine due to extra consumption at family gatherings and other parties."
Rules of the promotion state that every one-quart jar of urine nets a 50-cent discount, and HD Radio-desiring shoppers can bring up to a 100 jars per person per store, gleaning a maximum $50 in savings on HD Radio receivers. Consumers will be relieved to learn that no drug testing will be done on submissions.
What retailers are expected to do with the human waste collected at their stores was not immediately explained.
"Everyone's gotta pee, and everyone needs HD" rhymed Lemmings. "We're flush with excitement over the sales prospects through the holidays and beyond. Plus, when people think of 'number one,' they'll think of HD Radio. It's a win-win!"
Seacrest goods reflect Swiss heritage
Inescapable radio/TV personality and multi-dimensional entrepreneur Ryan Seacrest is announcing new consumer product lines highlighting his Swiss heritage.Rolling out in time for the holidays will be Seacrest's new line of Swiss movement watches, branded "Idol Time." And in an effort to cash in on the Swiss Army Knife craze, his "Never A Dull Moment" utility kits, claiming to have blades "sharper than Ryan Seacrest's wit," will be in stores sometime in November.
"Ryan's Celebrity Cheese," a version of Swiss cheese with fruit filling in the holes, will debut in early 2010 or sooner, pending FDA approval of certain preservatives used both in the dairy product and in Seacrest's own hair highlights. Also expected on fashion runways in the new year is a Seacrest-branded line of traditional Swiss clothing, yet unnamed.
Named the "Father of Modern Genericism" by Average magazine, Seacrest presently has more jobs than most people have strands of hair. They range from manning a lucrative afternoon paper route in Beverly Hills to hosting TV's "American Idol" and "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest." He adds these consumer products to his ever-growing multimedia empire and labor outsourcing emporium based out of his sprawling Hollywood Hills home.
NOTE: Seacrest is the model for the All The Excess! masthead jack-o-lantern, if you couldn't tell.
NOTE: Seacrest is the model for the All The Excess! masthead jack-o-lantern, if you couldn't tell.
Lots...and lots...of dots...Congratulations to KGKK (102.5 The Geek)/Portland and its morning "Gross-Out Club" members - Open Sore Harry, Connie "The Bitch With The Itch" Druel, and No-thumbs Nelson - who were named "Best reason to skip breakfast" by the readers of Portland's Good Thing It's Free magazine...Business Talk KWLR/Omaha welcomes GM Rodney Slique who rejoins the station after serving three years of a five year sentence for embezzlement (father Earl Slique is station owner)...WUOK and WFTF/Cleveland PD Wanda B. Flatt adds PD duties for sister WGYN, giving her as many stations as she'll have kids - Flatt is expecting triplets in two weeks and says she'll take only four days off (the maximum allowed by parent Monolith Broadcasting) to squeeze them out...Christian KPRV (92.7 The Purveyor)/Laramie, Wyoming inks Noah "Tattoo" Ballou to captain its AM drive show, the "Morning Ark"...PD Socrates exits Aristotle Radio's KZEN/Sedona over "philosophical differences"....
Is Kimbrough this week's DC prankster?
If the man detained for hurling a flaming paper bag of dog waste at the White House on Thursday looked familiar, he should - he's TalkRight Networks star and national radio conservatalker Derf Kimbrough.As the war of words between right wing talkers and the Obama administration has escalated, so have the childish pranks. Hell Night has hit Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington this week, with the toilet papering of the White House on Tuesday, attempted window soaping Wednesday and yesterday, Kimbrough's mongrel-tov cocktail.
In a formal press release, TalkRight Networks expressed "disappointment" with Kimbrough, who has been doing his show from Washington this week, putting him near the scene of several incidents of non-damaging but difficult to clean up vandalism.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that he "doubted the President had seen any of the incidents first-hand," and said the family's young girls had been shielded from the visible carnage near their home.
On Wednesday, two men were seen approaching 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with gear that could have been used to soap windows, but were quickly apprehended by Secret Service. The two claimed they were given fifty dollars to carry out the maneuver by none other than Derf Kimbrough.
Though caught in the act with the flaming poo throw, and seemingly being linked to the other mischief, Kimbrough has not been charged with a crime, and that's at President Obama's request, according to Gibbs. "He loves hearing his name on the radio," the press secretary chuckled.
Friends of Kimbrough have called him "unstable" since his unsuccessful offer to buy the Houston Oilers earlier this month. The team, now the Tennessee Titans, has not played in Houston since the 1990s. Kimbrough withdrew the offer when confronted with the fact, claiming he was not aware that the Houston Texans are the latest NFL team in that city.
K-Lord Network in hot Holy water
The coast-to-coast Contemporary Christian K-Lord Network is in hot Holy water with the FCC over a recent contest called "Write Number Eleven and Enter Heaven."The winner of the contest, Flora Lacking of Point Enlaff, Louisiana, claims that K-Lord can't deliver the prize offered and is suing for the value of the prize in cash.
In the "Write Number Eleven and Enter Heaven" contest, listeners were told to submit ideas for an eleventh commandment, with the promise of admission to heaven for the winner.
"It began with a bit on (afternoon duo) Godly and Cream's show. They were talking about how the Ten Commandments may need to be updated after all these years, and they asked their fans to send in a new commandment that directly addressed life in the 21st century," said K-Lord Director of Operations Hedley Taggard. "The response was overwhelming."
From all entries, Lacking's commandment, "Thou shalt not block the grocery store aisle while you have a cell phone conversation," was deemed the best. The winning commandment was to be submitted to the Pope for approval and presentation to higher authorities.
It was after Lacking realized that there was no tangible prize in this lifetime that she called her lawyers and brought the matter to the attention of the FCC.
"Ms. Lacking believes she should be able to enjoy her winnings while she's still alive, rather than waiting to see if her entry to heaven is granted upon her passing," said her legal counsel, Horace Race, Esq. "We'll be asking for the estimated cash value of eternal life."
K-Lord's Taggard countered, "She has to have faith. That's what it's all about. The tenth commandment is 'Thou shalt not covet,' and she's coveting big-time."
All The Excess! will continue to follow this deepening controversy.
Unless you live in a market that has a high-profile gospel station, you may think this commercial is from outer space. Like that bizarre hand signal - it can't be obscene, it's a gospel station! But just what does it mean? Is it an alien language?
Shot utilizing station personnel almost entirely, this TRSTVSOTW also saves the company countless dollars in parking and speeding fines by cleverly involving the local police department. Now that's god-like thrift worthy of our Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™ award, and this time it goes to Clear Channel's WHLH/Jackson, Mississippi. Hell of a job, guys!
For the budget conscious among us, and who (that's still working) isn't, there's the All The Excess! archives, full of TRSTVSOTW's since the week we birthed this thang! Type "Thrifty" in the search box and examples of bargain-priced marketing will drop like manna from heaven. In this case, thou shalt steal away! Amen!
We stand FIRM
Scoff all you want, but All The Excess! stands by our prediction that a station in a top 15 market will go all-holiday music before November 16, 2009!Not if, but when it happens, remember that you saw the rumor FIRST here on All The Excess!
The Tallulah Interview
Recently All The Excess! caught up with that sultry goddess of nationwide nighttime radio, Tallulah. We thought you'd enjoy this insight on what makes Tallulah tick.ATE!: Is "Tallulah" really your name?
T: Of course not, silly. My name was given to me by "Dangerous" Will Robinson, PD of the second station I worked for, WMEW/Catnip, Alabama. He had a thing for Ms. Bankhead, it seems.
ATE!: Your listeners know you as the syrupy sweet lady who never says a bad thing about anybody. Is that the real you?
T: I tried to live up to that for a while but I gave myself insulin shock. I'd say I'm a normal person with wild mood swings due to PMS and the emotional problems inherent in being married three (expletive) times and having three kids, two of whom I never see. And the people who work on my show might tell you I'm a classic bitch, which I don't agree with, but I know how they talk about me behind my back.
ATE!: You've recently gained some very big markets, including Chicago and L.A. - what's changed on the show as a result?
T: Absolutely nothing. We do the same (expletive) show for Los Angeles as we do for Las Cruces, New Mexico. It's still love songs and dedications, night after night after night after night after night.
ATE!: Do I detect a little boredom in that answer?
T: Bored? (expletive) yeah, I'm bored. It's the same music all the time, and the phone calls may be from different people but they all sound alike to me. And there I am, on at a time of day when fewer people listen to the radio, and when many stations are giving up on having live talent altogether.
ATE!: But you benefit when that happens, right?
T: Only on one (expletive) station per market. I want more. More stations, more exposure, bigger ratings, more cash. Tallulah has some expensive habits to maintain.
ATE!: Have you thought of doing a Ryan Seacrest and cloning yourself?
T: Is that how he does it? Do you have an email or a phone number for him?
ATE!: Let's say the Performance Royalty passes and all the sudden radio stations stop playing music. Will there still be a Tallulah?
T: Not in my present form. But I can reinvent myself like Madonna. Hell, you'd never know that I was a nun before I got into radio, but I reinvented myself and went from sister to syndication in the blink of an eye. I've always wanted to do an issue oriented talk show...like Nancy Grace without the (expletive) shouting and whining. Maybe I'll get my chance.
ATE!: What do you think of your competition out there?
T: Competition? You mean that (expletive) new age piano guy who used to be on "Entertainment Tonight?" Never heard him. I'm smart enough that I don't have to listen to a show that has "Intelligence" in the title. And I doubt if my (expletive) listeners would either.
ATE!: What does the future hold?
T: Well today I heard that Phil Collins is doing an album of 30 Motown covers. I guess playing that and taking calls from (expletive) trailer park people is what I have to look forward to the rest of my life. But it pays the bills.
Top Advertisers This Week
According to All The Excess! monitors, these are the top ten clients heard on American radio during the past week.1. "The Hoax Is On You" (Mylar balloon plus instructions for exploiting children to gain instant fame, Heene Enterprises)
2. "Tastes Like Chicken" (fast-food chain specializing in endangered species; Soup On A Stick, Inc.)
3. "The HD Radio Rah Rah Association" (needless technology forced on a clueless public; Inequity, Inc.)
4. "Your Masters In Minutes" (speed-learning for advanced degrees; Memory That Sticks, Ltd.)
5. "Meth At Home" (get rich quick by synthesizing crystal methamphetamine in your kitchen or bath; Meth-od To Madness, Inc.)
6. "What-A-Whiff" (once a week deodorant dip for pets and humans alike; Fumes Galore Co.)
7. "H1N1, Meet1 Date1" (social club for the H1N1 infected; Bookface.com)
8. "You Bet I've Got Insurance!" (real-looking replacement insurance documentation for lapsed policies; NoCoverage Inc.)
9. "Afghanistanarama" (Lifelike video game with no known way of winning; The Bush League)
10. "My First Black Box" (Safety device to help investigators determine your true cause of death; Morbidity Novelties)
We knew it wouldn't take long...
...but none of us betting on when it would happen thought it would be this soon. Last night CCC Talk KGGB/Los Angeles re-christened its long-running free-form Sunday night show "Reality Radio with Falcon the Balloon Boy."
Congratulations from All The Excess! to KGGB, for being the first to turn a deceptive incident into a promotional and marketing opportunity!
Spotlight on The Bargain Channel, WJXR
From Macclenny, Florida (near Jacksonville), WJXR broadcasts its popular "The Bargain Channel" format seven days a week from 6am until midnight. Stations that find themselves revenue-challenged might do well to observe how WJXR derives money from its listeners, who buy and sell sometimes name-brand items via this remarkable 25,000-watt station.Hats off to WJXR for fighting back against the craptastic economy with this innovative flea-market-of-the-air format. Here's a ten-minute sample that will doubtlessly leave you wanting more! (Visit WJXR's web site here.)
Columbus name challenge gets ugly
Claiming that they own the "Puddin' and The Crab" name, Anchovy's WIUD/Columbus has won the first battle as their morning team ankles to crosstown Fluffycloud Hot AC WIPE.The prospect of huge legal fees and a lengthy court battle is apparently enough to make Fluffycloud give in and change the team's name, though now the company will face a marketing challenge they didn't expect.
A disappointed Hyman Lancer (formerly "Puddin'") and Dorothy Hygiene (the onetime "Crab") told All The Excess! that they'll use this as an opportunity to "get real," as Lancer said. "We're going to use our true names, and we're bringing in our newsman/sidekick Red "Fuzzy" Boyle to make it a trio. So our show will be called 'The Morning WIPE with Hyman, Hygiene, and Boyle.'"
"It may not be the most appetizing show name to hear at breakfast, but our fans are used to putting up with a lot of questionable crap from us," Hygiene gushed. The trio begin their new assignment Monday, October 19.
Radio takes its best shot
To those clamoring for radios in iPods and cell phones: Maybe the industry is missing an obvious opportunity!
Why not combine a radio and a weapon used by top secret agents and marketed by a very young Kurt Russell? Perhaps this 1964 commercial is way ahead of its time. (And stick around for the classic Tootsie Roll commercial that follows!)
Some HD Radio receivers to include wheeled container
The HD Radio Rah Rah Association (HDRRRA) announced today that certain new receivers will come with specially designed carrying cases.HDRRRA President Gavin Lemmings said in a press release, "These functional HD Radio receivers will have wheels, an engine, seats, and other items provided through our exclusive partnership with Volvo. Folks buying an HD Radio now will be taken to places only they can imagine."
Lemmings continued, "If people have been on the fence about getting an HD Radio, hopefully this option makes buying a unit more attractive, even though the optional Volvo vehicle makes an HD Radio a very expensive purchase."
HD Radios are needed to receive the digital signals of HD Radio capable AM/FM facilities and the various side channels on which many stations have put their old, tired, failing, previous analog formats.
Sometimes All The Excess! gets little tidbits of news that aren't article worthy...sometimes you don't want to read the same BS quotes about "leveraging our core competencies" over and over...so here's a place to find those news bytes...quick...simple...painless...with lots...of dots....Sales assistant Lisa Marie Presslaff adds title of "F10 Hitter" (log merger) for KREK-HD2 in Wrecked Train-San Antonio...Present 6-10pm jock Marathon Mike at WURC/Fingerbone, Wisconsin lives up to his name and segues to the noon-midnight shift, as three air staffers "retire"...Talk hosts Dr. Gene Eology and cousin Meredith Baxter-Gurney abandon their own self-help shows and bond to form "The Advice Squad," as they also join in wedded bliss (Congrats!), TalkRight Networks to handle syndication...Ennui again demotes from within and gives cluster GM duties in Des Moines to former Radio Division President Dilbert Stepaside...Former Ennui Des Moines market chief Lou Zinnarass works out his contract by voicetracking weekends on country KHRZ (K-Cow)...Former Ennui Des Moines weekend voicetracker Lowantha Totempole departs to "form her own company"...Ennui re-states company pledge to "Never fire anybody important" in monthly email to employees...CCC reported "furious" at David Letterman for his "You know you've been screwed by CCC when---" top ten list...Ten year-MD L.N. Keller of WHUH/Silent Springs, PA named "Director of Music Operations" in lieu of raise...Former WVJJ/Thighs Gap, Virginia PD Pegleg Hopkins to appear on "Dancing With The Stars" this week...More as we hear it here at A.T.E.!....
New A.T.E.! feature spotlights our visitors
You...yes, YOU!...can be the subject of a new All The Excess! feature: The Jeopardy-Style Reader Profile!Simply email us facts about yourself and your career. Think of things typically asked in bio-type trade site interviews...that's what we're looking for. Then, A.T.E.! will make up the questions.
For example, if your first radio job was at KUIV/Quivering Falls, you'd submit the fact like this: "My first radio job was at KUIV/Quivering Falls." In your Jeopardy-Style Reader Profile, it might appear like this:
Answer: KUIV/Quivering Falls
Question: From what station on your resume did you steal the largest quantity of office supplies?
Imagine the fun! To participate, email All The Excess! with your answers today. Don't forget to include your name...no anonymous profiles will be published. And don't make us make yours up from scratch, because we will!
Ingredients for this week's spotlight spot include a few country videos and some unfortunate behavior in front of the green screen. From Tyler Media's KKNG/Oklahoma City, it's the All The Excess! Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™!
With over six months worth of TRSTVSOTW's in the archives, there's inspiration galore for your next shoestring budget marketing effort! Simply typing "Thrifty" in the A.T.E.! search box will get you the whole kit and caboodle.
Legal trouble for Puddin' and The Crab
When the highly-paid and mega-popular duo (formerly known as) "Puddin' and The Crab" debut on Fluffycloud's WIPE/Columbus next week, it appears they'll have to use a new name.Anchovy Top 40 WIUD claims ownership of the "Puddin' and The Crab" name and has obtained a court injunction that forbids its use on any other station. Meanwhile, the new morning show titled "Keith Fugg 'n' That Chicken" debuted on WIUD Monday, and the disputed former morning show name is not being used on air.
Fearing that the court's word is final, Puddin' and The Crab (actually Hyman Lancer and Dorothy Hygiene) are seeking a new name, while lawyers for WIPE prepare to contest WIUD's claim.
All The Excess! will continue to update this developing story....
Conference room slanguage
Knowing the latest buzzwords and new language entries, especially ones based on recent events, is essential to making a good impression on co-workers and superiors when forced to spend any time with them in your radio station's conference room. Here are just a few to be aware of:Social notworking - Generally applied to (but not limited to) support staff; the act of spendng time on Facebook, My Space, et al during office hours. Also social notworker.
Letterosexual - A co-worker who sleeps with other people in the office, especially subordinates. (A reference to David Letterman's admitted philandering with Late Show staffers.)
iPhony - A faked silent-ringing phone call, used by a person to exit a meeting. Also, the person who fakes the call: "Ryan skipped out of the meeting - he's being an iPhony."
Voicetracking - In addition to meaning recording jock breaks in advance, this can also mean being absent from a place one was expected to be seen. "Why isn't Bubba in his cubicle?" "Oh, he's voicetracking." Alternate meaning: Not giving 100%, phoning it in. "There are so many spelling errors in this - Sally must be voicetracking today." Also voice tracking.
Seacrested - Being laid off and replaced by automation or voicetracking. "Shotgun got Seacrested this morning - we'll miss him."
Obaminated - Used when blaming bad financial results on the overall economy rather than individual or station shortcomings. "RXP revenue was down 60% year to year, but they claim they were Obaminated." Also Obamination.
Fuster-Cluck Group downplays 50% decline
Faced with potential stock de-listing, plummeting revenues, and mountainous debt, representatives of the Fuster-Cluck Broadcast Group continue to brush off their worries and on Monday called for employees to join in a "group hug."Fuster-Cluck reported a 50% decline year-to-year as they confessed Q2 results Monday.
"Those ugly numbers are like a beauty contest," President Findlay F. Fuster, Jr. told employees in a memo distributed company-wide. "No one ever gets to see the numbers that never matter."
"It's easy to look at that 50% and say the glass is half-empty," said Fuster, "when half of it isn't even full."
"Yeah, but a year ago it was a Big Gulp," said Megabank's Cheech Flanspoon, who keenly monitors radio company fortunes and failures on Wall Street. "Investors are thirstier than that. Fuster-Cluck's liquid assets taste like bong water," he continued in typical non-sequitur fashion.
In his memo, Fuster urged company employees to consider the positives of the past year. "You all have much more breathing room in the workplace," he said without mentioning the massive layoffs of February '09. "Those of you in studios no longer must share them," he said of the 50% downsizing of on-air and production talent. "And as always, non-rationalization and non-denial have never been our way here in the home office."
As employees struggled with the mounting number of double negatives, Fuster closed with a hand-drawn happy face and the customary company motto, "No matter how much you think things suck, it's never not worse at Fuster-Cluck."
Be a whiz at the A.T.E.! Radio Quiz
The Columbus Day elves were busy over the extended holiday weekend coming up with new questions for the All The Excess! Radio Quiz! Test your knowledge of radio fact and fiction as reported here on A.T.E.!Once you've marked all your answers, you'll see your results...and the correct answers that may not be obvious to someone less informed than you, the daily A.T.E.! visitor.
It's a great way to check and make sure liner cards and voice tracking haven't completely turned your brain to mush! The All The Excess! Radio Quiz, that colorful thing near the top of the right-hand column.
(Questions change frequently; answers change even more frequently!)
Holiday reminder
The offices of All The Excess! will be closed this Monday, October 12, 2009, so that our staff may enjoy the Columbus Day holiday with family and loved ones.We'll be back after we sleep off that traditional Columbus Day feast, bright and early Tuesday morning (although some of us may show up late after returning and exchanging non-fitting Columbus Day gifts at local department stores). And if big news breaks (it won't) we'll interrupt our solemn holiday vigils to bring the details to you right here at www.alltheexcess.com! (click link to return to where you are right now)
Neither rain, snow, gloom of night, terminal illness, nor Columbus Day keep us from wallowing in rumor and gossip here at All The Excess!
Talent is where you find it
As the A.T.E.! staff navigates New York City, we occasionally hear raw talent that could be the perfect "new blood" radio needs. Here's an example:
As you listen, consider how this woman might apply these remarkable traits to your needs:
- Her diction is crisp and clear over antiquated equipment that muffles the voices of most other MTA employees
- She gets the audience's attention
- She has a point of view; a message
- She relates to people outside of her own cultural realm ("I'm not even from Manhattan, I'm from Queens") - perhaps we have a potential national voicetracker here, one that anyone anywhere can relate to...somehow "Seacrest-esque"
- She's a one-on-one communicator ("Yeah, YOU!")
At All The Excess! we're in service to our industry. We charge no finder's fee for locating genuine talent in the rough.
Wow, is it Columbus Day already?
To the best of our knowledge, Columbus, Ohio is the only state capital to have a federally mandated holiday!As we approach the big three-day weekend, it's only fitting that one of the biggest A.T.E.! stories of the week past is from Columbus: The migration of the madcap morning duo Puddin' and The Crab from WIUD to (still unconfirmed but 99% certain) crosstown WIPE. And filling the big shoes (and pincers) left at WIUD, starting Monday it's the new "Keith Fugg 'n' That Chicken" AM drive show. Click here if you missed the story when we reported it...first, of course!
Did you know? Columbus is not only Ohio's largest city, it's also the birthplace of radio pioneer Emmet Orville Cluster, inventor of "Twofer Tuesday." Even today we reverently use his name to refer to commercial groupings and commonly owned stations in a market (not to mention a particularly difficult and painful type of intercourse). And it was in Columbus that the first "Hooked On Phonics" commercial aired, way back in 1972! There's so much radio history here that you can get RF burns just by touching the pavement, which now has replaced gravel on 90% of the major city streets. (Future plans include an airport!)
Radio competition is red-hot in this midwestern metropolis, and A.T.E.! promises to keep you up on every rumor, accusation, scandal, lawsuit, and restraining order! A big Buckeye boo-yah "Happy Columbus Day" from all of us here at All The Excess!
$2K fine for taking the eleventh caller
The FCC has fined Inert Broadcasting rocker KKRJ (106.3 The Chimp)/Grand Junction, Colorado $2000 for taking the eleventh caller in a "10th caller wins" contest.Inert Market Manager and KKRJ GM Rich Bynomeans says the station is appealing the fine on the grounds that caller ten was a "contest hog" and would have sounded "like a doofus" when the recorded phone call was played back.
"The bitch wins all the time," said The Chimp's afternoon driver Big Papa the Street Dawg, who allegedly auditioned the tenth caller, recognized a feeble voice from his past, and moved on to caller eleven.
The original prize, consisting of two Arby's Beef 'n' Cheddar sandwiches, french fries, and a soda, was never claimed by either caller ten or eleven, Bynomeans asserted.
"Stations everywhere do this," said Bynomeans, who offered the FCC what he termed a "boatload" of Beef 'n' Cheddar coupons in lieu of the fine. "Who thinks we really count the calls at contest time? It's like when we say we play the 'best rock.' It's the same crap everybody else plays. Nobody's buying these claims, but hey, it's radio. Ninety per cent of America still listens, whether they believe us or not."
The FCC rejected the offer of sandwiches and continues to demand cash for KKRJ's infraction. This could get interesting!
Or not.
Puddin' and The Crab yanked off the air
The team of "Puddin' and The Crab" at Anchovy Broadcasting Top 40 WIUD/Columbus did their last show on the station this morning, according to the Columbus Recycler newspaper.Hyman "Puddin'" Lancer and Dorothy "The Crab" Hygiene are probably best known for orchestrating the controversial "Shoot the Moon for a Zune" contest that cost Columbus mayoral candidate Borscht Spinwell his left eye. A date has not yet been set for the resulting lawsuit to go to trial.
Don't expect Puddin' and The Crab to be idle for long, however. Crosstown Fluffycloud Hot AC WIPE has reportedly made them a huge offer, and the jovial duo could be back on the air once their two-week non-compete runs out.
Meanwhile, WIUD PD Manny Errors says he's already hired a replacement: Keith Fugg of CCC Country KDZT (K-Dust 97)/Amarillo. Errors, who hopes his idea is still topical, is naming the new show (which features Henrietta, Fugg's egg-laying alter ego) "Keith Fugg 'n' That Chicken."
Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™
Take some folks you meet at karaoke night, a few sweepers from the studio, and voila - you have a Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™! If you're Regent's KMAX-FM (94.3 Max FM)/Windsor, Colorado, that is.
We think they welded two 30s together to make a 60, which makes "thrifty" too weak a word to describe what KMAX-FM has done here!
For more inspiration like this, check out the Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week™ archives...just type "TRSTVSOTW" into the A.T.E.! search box at right.
Orlando PPM numbers "All screwy"
Portable People Meter (PPM) ratings in the Orlando market are "all screwy," according to an Arbitron spokesperson. And at the heart of the problem - a disgruntled downsized engineer.Arbitron's VP of Colossal Errors, Boniva Brittlebone, explained to All The Excess! what happened. "Apparently an engineer at the Monolith cluster was laid off, and before he left the building, he switched the PPM encoders for all six stations as a parting shot."
Vern Everright, manager of the Tampa, Orlando, Miami/Ft. Lauderdale, Key West, and Omaha Monolith clusters, said "(outgoing engineer) Kyle Minogue was one of those employees I thought I could trust when he asked to say goodbye to a few people. So I overrode our usual policy of having fired staffers handcuffed and escorted out of the building by an armed guard."
"I did find it odd that he wanted to say goodbye to the equipment rack in master control," Everright added.
Minogue switched encoders for all six Monolith properties, causing erroneous detections by the electronic meters. A person listening to Country WTYT was recorded as hearing Brokered Ethnic WPQH, and vice versa. Top 40 WWLL (Lips FM) and Gold WDUU-AM had their encoders switched, and Urban WUVB (The Vibe) and Spanish Contemporary WHWU-AM (La Mierda) traded PPM boxes.
When PPM numbers were released, stations and agencies were horrified. A few of the results: WPQH led the market with an 11.6 share for its mostly Korean and Vietnamese programming. Close behind was the Bitchin' Oldies format on WDUU-AM at 10.9. WTYT, the perennial number one station in the market, notched an 0.6 (21st place). And The Vibe went from fourth place in diary ratings to 18th in PPM.
Arbitron says it is considering whether to re-issue the market ratings, or just shrug it off as "one of those things."
Vibe PD Hector O. Blivious told A.T.E.! "I'm so relieved to find out what happened. I know urban stations have taken a pounding in PPM, but I'm glad to know our big drop wasn't because of sucky programming."
Exclusive: RUMOR!
A.T.E.! hears that within the next six weeks, a top 15 market station will change format to all-Christmas!
When the news breaks, remember...you saw the rumor first here on All The Excess!
New HD2 group has issues
Hi again! C.K. here with another look into the magical world of HD2 multicasting.This week we were validated by a situation in Detroit where the station dumping its old format kindly spun it so as to say the format was "just moving" to an HD2 channel.
At the same time, a group has formed to protest moves such as the one in the Motor City. Calling themselves "HD2 Fans United" (HD2FU), the group issued an initial press release which disses stations for acting like HD2 channels are a place to throw the garbage.
"We don't want your lousy AC format that happens to play instrumentals," says HD2FU co-founder Carter Spills, "or any other format you can't sell. HD2 is for exciting new formats and experimentation. Don't give us your rejects!"
Spills and his wife Addictia hail from Hamtramck, Michigan, and family friend Odatsa Lottapayne in Texas City, Texas rounds out the HD2FU membership roster. The three hope to be adding more fans of HD2 channels as members soon, and plan to start a web site (hd2fu.org) to get the word out.
Don't forget, HD2 channels are free, but you have to buy a new HD Radio if you ever want to hear them. Like the old saying goes, if they say it's free, there must be a catch! See you next time!
Seacrest costume re-purposed for Halloween
Mascot Marketers, Ltd. is re-purposing its Ryan Seacrest costumes (A.T.E.!, May 25) as Halloween items, All The Excess! has learned.
The outfits, originally designed to bring Seacrest to "life" for personal appearances in the oodles of markets where his radio program is heard, have not proved to be monster sellers, especially given the paltry marketing budgets of most radio companies in the current economy.
It is also common that unpaid interns, the most likely to be approached about donning the costumes, are extremely reluctant to do so due to health concerns and lack of compensation for their embarrassment.
Likewise, demand for mascots of all types, from cuddly armadillos to dancing dice, is down across the board. Aside from the economy, reasons for the decline in costume popularity are led by the dreadful environmental conditions which must be endured inside the outfit after about the first hour of use.
Warning labels on the Seacrest get-ups advise the wearer of the potential nastiness inside, and suggest that people approaching the costume avoid close contact with any of its air vents.
New A.T.E.! feature keeps skills sharp
Keep an eye on the right-hand column for our newest feature, meant to keep the sharpest minds in the business even more cutting-edge...it's the ever-changing All The Excess! Radio Quiz!The A.T.E.! Radio Quiz is a great way to test your knowledge of the radio business, past, present, and future! Answer the multiple choice questions and find out instantly if you know your stuff or not!
Out-of-work radio types can use the A.T.E! Radio Quiz to keep skills sharp even while on the sidelines. And employed pros can make sure they're never caught with their buzzwords down in the workplace.
Questions will change at irregular intervals, so keep checking back for the latest test of your broadcasting know-how. And if you'd like to see a particular topic covered in the A.T.E.! Radio Quiz, email quiz@alltheexcess.com.
If for any reason you can't see the quiz, click here.
One stop station shopping: Craigslist!
Another radio station hits the Craigslist marketplace. Just $125K and you've got yourself a signal in Georgia. Here's the info.
Building a better BLOW Show
Now that last week's Broadcast Lobbyists Of Washington's BLOW Show in Roswell, NM has been long forgotten, we asked several prominent All The Excess! readers what they'd change about next year's (if there is one).Axl Wheelhouse, PD KLYP/Three Boots, Arkansas - "The one thing they shouldn't change is the time honored tradition of having Gallagher at comedy night! True comic genius! But they should let him detonate the watermelons...the smashed tomatoes and bananas this year weren't nearly as funny as the pumpkins and melons of years past."
Consultant Randall K. Briggs, scourge of PPM - "Besides the obvious answer of not scheduling the BLOW Show on the same dates as the NAB (duh), I'd say 'Anyplace but Roswell.' Those were definitely not weather balloons!"
Free agent and former Fortress CEO Hussein M. Greedie - "I'd hope for better security to protect us from the protesters on site. The people who lost their jobs and life savings when Fortress went down should have a voice, but it should be a very, very faint voice."
Speed Consultant Matching co-founder Pauly Shore, Jr. - "More new media panels with acne-faced broadcasters of high school and early college age. Otherwise it's old farts talking about how to win at Dungeons and Dragons."
Voicetracker of the Year award winner, Monolith's Erica Generica - "I left some undergarments of a very personal nature at the Roswell Mos Eisley Marriott - do you think they will be burned immediately when found, or could you have them delivered to me at next year's BLOW Show?"
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