PUNday PUNday

Short takes from the All The Excess! news center: AC WFFU (106.5 The Chimp)/Urpine Basin, IL completes its evolution to "106.5 The Gorilla," Top 40...Dawn Goaway joins Frankie Valley for mornings on KSZS (Seasons 104)/Gaudio, IA...New to nights at all-80s KMUU (Mullet 100)/Artletterlink, TX is Cat Benatar...Gaius Baltar, Kara Thrace, and Laura Roslin jump to KBSG (Galactica 95.5)/Tauron, MT, where Lee Adama is now PD...Mrs. Robinson graduates to nights at CINN/Scarboro Faire, ON...Felix and Oscar are no longer the morning team at KLEN (Clean 92)/Spickunspan, OR, as Felix inherits a tidy 10-noon shift and Oscar, washed up, exits the industry for a career in online dating.

Be sure to notify All The Excess! of your next move, preferably after your present employer finds out about (or necessitates) it! Email us at dirt@alltheexcess.com. Since we don't do inaccurate birthday greetings, it's about the only guaranteed way to get your name in print here.

A.T.E.! End-o-Summer Blow Out is coming

Everybody's doing a Labor Day countdown...that's a good enough reason for most of you. So why not All The Excess! too? We're capable of following like lemmings just like everyone else....so.....

Announcing our "best of" Labor Day countdown! The All The Excess! End-o-Summer Blow Out!

Email dirt@alltheexcess.com and tell us what your favorite All The Excess! post of all time is, and we'll count down the top reader favorites on Labor Day weekend!

As usual, no prizes, only notoriety...and the joy of seeing your input on these pages. Vote now!

Radio Friendly Song

We'd like to thank the tipster who turned us on to this NSFW piece of...music. But we're not sure he wants his name publicly associated with a) the song and b) All The Excess! So thanks to a "regular reader, one time co-worker and resident of the Central Daylight Time zone" for this....

Motivating staff in bad economic times

After pay cuts, layoffs, and consolidation of jobs, your remaining employees may be living in fear, which is hardly a pleasant or productive atmosphere. Management consultant Kerry Dettwell offers some helpful tips, specially designed for radio station environments, on how to engage personnel and turn those frowns upside down.

1. Job variety. Take a non-motivated jock and let him do mail room duty. Or have a sales person pull a couple of hours at the front desk answering the phones the receptionist you let go would normally handle. The new duties will challenge the bored, and offer a fresh perspective on just how exciting their normal duties are, relative to some other positions at the station. Who knows? If the additional duties are well tolerated, you may want to make them a permanent part of the persons' job descriptions.

2. Organized evening fun. After a 10 to 12 hour day, the tired and worn remnants of your staff will appreciate having a mandatory station gathering to go to, to be able to let loose and blow off some steam. Seeing co-workers socially will reinforce the joy of being alongside them in the workplace for so much of their lives.

3. Friendly competition. This is a big and boundless category limited only by your imagination. Workers love games and contests, so why not pit what's left of your jock staff against each other and see what happens? For instance, if your station runs Ryan Seacrest or some other outsourced programming, have a lip sync contest to see which jock can look most convincing when advertisers look through that glass window, expecting to see someone live at the mic during those voicetracked hours. Another idea is good physical exercise, too - See how many laps around the station a jock can do between the beginning and end of a commercial break. Keep track of their personal best times and offer prizes for most improvement. This way, increasing your spot load will lead to a more fit air staff over time, and they'll thank you for it.

4. Frequency swap. There's no better way to change up the daily routine than to orchestrate a frequency swap with another station in your cluster. This one really keeps imaging people on their toes, though the jocks also will love it. It's always a hoot to hear them ID the station wrong a few times, which is bound to happen. Be sure to record these instances for the holiday party blooper reel! Plus your listeners will love the surprise and variety a frequency swap offers. (Note: Clear this one with the FCC secretly a few days in advance.)

5. Sell your intellectual property. Got a staff that's in a creative rut? New ideas slow in coming? Then sell your station's intellectual property to a competitor. This not only generates revenue, but it lights a fire under your staff and makes thinking up different ways of doing things essential. The challenge will electrify even the most sluggish workforce!

Kettleblack nabbed on felony drug charge

Details are still sketchy, but sources tell A.T.E.! that Contemporary Christian K-Lord Network personality Collin Kettleblack has been taken into custody by Drug Enforcement Administration officials near his home in Bend, Oregon.

Agents allegedly seized hundreds of pounds of marijuana and discovered an operating crystal methamphetamine lab inside Kettleblack's mountain cabin.

Kettleblack is widely known for his history as an outspoken shock jock on iconic Los Angeles hard rock outlet KDVL. He was forced into rehab in the early 90s and surprised the world when he emerged a born-again Christian. Shortly afterward he divorced 80s rocker Bobbi Scimitar and joined the K-Lord network of coast-to-coast religious stations, where he has done mornings since 1993.

K-Lord officials said they were waiting for more information before issuing a statement.

Talk hosts bemoan timing of Kennedy death

Many talk radio hosts found out about the death of Senator Edward M. Kennedy as they prepared to board planes to take them home after the Conservative Talk Radio Bootcamp in Arlington, VA. At nearby Dulles Airport on Wednesday, All The Excess! got reactions from several well known right-wing gabbers.

WRWB/Jacksonville's Damon "The Master Hater" Seed: "Good thing we didn't know about this until now. The Bootcamp parties were off the hook as it was, and with this news, a good two dozen of us might be back in rehab already."

"When I heard Ted Kennedy had died, I almost drove off a bridge!" joked KBSH/Austin host Paddy Labelle.

"They called him the Lion of the Senate, but now it's just the Senate of the lyin'," eulogized KVUH/Fresno's Janelle Nipsey-Russell. "Instead of singing karaoke at the bar, we all could've danced on Teddy's grave, if Bootcamp had just been scheduled a couple of weeks later."

Here in New York, faithful listeners to Derf Kimbrough on WNGT (Wingnut 860) heard only a one-hour "Best of" show followed by two hours of infomercials for products like Prostate Foam and The Head Lice Zapper, with no mention of Kennedy's passing.

Three puzzle pieces missing!

The dilemma facing All The Excess! is ongoing: What's up with Alaska, Wyoming, and South Dakota?

Not one visitor from any of these three states of the union has been recorded by Google Analytics as having visited All The Excess! since we began this radio dirt site on April 2, 2009.

Meanwhile, all Canadian provinces have checked in, and we have numerous repeat visitors from around the globe. Just none from Alaska, Wyoming, and South Dakota.

On Labor Day, we'll be flying our flag, and we'd hate to have to blot out three stars...so contact your friends in these three states and urge them to visit A.T.E.! today!

UPDATE, 8/28 6AM: Wyoming is in! Now just two estados in los estados unidos left...

Yakkers leave Bootcamp with faith for future

At a venue so close to the nation's capital that their jeers could almost be heard in the Oval Office, many of America's most prominent talk show hosts gathered in Arlington, Virginia earlier this week for the Conservative Talk Radio Bootcamp.

The group meets yearly to socialize and unify its message of family values, armament, and supremacy of the rich, heterosexual, male, and Caucasian.

Luminaries began arriving Sunday at the newly renovated Red Roof Suites, where bathrooms had been remodeled to accommodate wider stances and renamed the "Republi-can" and "Demo-crapper." Unfortunately the designations did not clearly identify which bathroom was for which sex, so gender confusion ensued.

The first official event was Sunday evening Bible study, which gave way to an all-nighter in the various taverns and sponsored suites. The hotel bar was filled to capacity for the traditional Fox News drinking game, as patrons watched a big-screen TV and imbibed shots every time one of the chosen terms "Nazi," "fascist," and "tree hugger" was mentioned. Disappointingly, the bar ran out of booze twenty minutes into the contest.

TalkRight Networks' Derf Kimbrough keynoted the event on Monday. His speech reaffirmed his support of the two party system: "A party when we win, and a party when they lose." Kimbrough had his audience applauding on their feet for much of his address.

Sessions on Monday included "Hacking the Meter: Avoiding PPM-barrassment," a discussion of ways to instruct Arbitron panelists how to tamper with the electronic devices. Consultant Christian Lyons moderated a well-attended forum titled "Separation of Church and State and Other Obstacles in Talk Radio's Path to Righteousness."

Ballet Extraordinaire du Buffalo entertained at the Monday evening banquet, performing "Coup D'Etat," a one-act production in which armed vigilantes in leotards bombard the royal palace of an unnamed country, evicting a shadowy African American family in order to restore their land to greatness. The ballet was followed by Bible study, then another night of debauchery in the bars and suites.

The Tuesday crowd was considerably more bleary-eyed, but many still got up by noon to experience more panel discussions like "All Men Were Created Equal, But Not Marriage," a heated discussion on how gay marriage would confuse the roles of men as providers and women as mothers and homemakers. Entry-level talkers could be found in "The Irrelevance of Facts," facilitated by WXZO/Detroit PD Gareth Boisterous. And former WIF/Cleveland GM Guy Schtuff led a stellar panel pondering "How To Intimidate Boycotting Advertisers into Renewing Contracts."

Tuesday evening's entertainment began with a hilarious skit in which the Obama girls were supposedly using the White House kitchens to cook up batches of crystal meth. But the Miley Cyrus concert that was to have followed was cancelled due to the star's sudden laryngitis.

Whispers abounded that once VP candidate and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would be present to announce a new combination telephone talk and poetry show, but as the wingnuts left Arlington, their savior from the north had not been sighted and her syndication venture remains but a rumor.

Tease me, tease me!

What are we saying to give listeners compelling reasons to stay tuned? Well, according to All The Excess! monitors conducted during the past week, the following is a list of the top ten things mentioned by air personalities as "...coming up" on their stations.

1. Details
2. More great stuff
3. Some U2
4. Another ten in a row
5. Traffic and weather together
6. All that and more
7. A chance to win
8. Ryan Seacrest
9. The story
10. More variety

A chilling shot from Conservative Talk Radio Bootcamp

The very first attendees to arrive at the annual Conservative Talk Radio Bootcamp in Arlington, Virginia were greeted by this mammoth Derf Kimbrough ice sculpture at the entrance to the host Red Roof Suites Hotel.

The searing heat of summer quickly melted the sculpture into a swampy puddle, but it lasted for longer than a Kimbrough "Best of" show, which the crowd interpreted as a remarkable feat.

More pictures and summaries of Conservative Talk Radio Bootcamp events will be appearing tomorrow here at All The Excess!

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™

This TV commercial for the morning show at Petracom's KRFM/Show Low, Arizona is made entirely of ingredients that cost $0.99 per pound or less! Yet the uncanny chemistry and priceless charm of show hosts Steve and Kelly mask any cheapness and give this spot its broiling hot, desert-dry charisma. The coveted Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™ is awarded, for the twenty-first time, to this tantalizing audio-video nugget sauteed to a crackly crunch in the kitchen of "the only live radio station in the White Mountains, Mix 96."



(Note - We have verified that "Show Low" is the correct name of the Arizona town of license for this station. In this context it is neither a horse racing term nor a ratings prediction.)

Kimbrough programming reminder

The folks at TalkRight Networks have asked us to remind affiliates of The Derf Kimbrough Show that the annual Conservative Talk Radio Bootcamp signals the beginning of a two-week vacation for Derf. While the "King of Right Media" is away, the network will air "Best of" shows.

By definition, the standards of "Best of" shows are quite high and, as the network is sure you'll agree, the "A" material will be used up rapidly. To avoid irritating repetition, each "Best of" program will thus be only one hour long and will begin at 12 noon ET. Affiliates can either run the one hour show three times, or make plans to fill the other two hours with alternate programming of their choice.

Derf Kimbrough will return to the microphone live on Tuesday, September 8, at which time a full three-hour daily show will once again be the norm. TalkRight Networks thanks you for your cooperation and regrets any inconvenience.

Survey: 86% would wear this shirt

A new poll shows that 86% of Americans would "most likely" wear the T-shirt pictured at left at least once.

The survey, commissioned by the Broadcast Lobbyists of Washington (BLOW), shows that "radio is as strong as ever, and maybe a little bit stronger," according to BLOW President Phil Aytadogg.

"This is definitely one for the sales kits!" declared BLOW Commisioner of Research Al "Numbers" Paidfore.

By comparison, most other T-shirts in the survey of 800 men and women aged 18-34 in seven western states did not fare as well, including an "I heart the Internet" shirt (77% positive), "I heart TV" (63%) and "I heart newspapers" (31%).

The only shirt design that scored higher than the "I Heart Radio" type pictured here was the ever popular "I'm with stupid," which amassed a 92% favorable rating.

Wingnut confab begins in Obama backyard

A well-placed howitzer shell could take out many of America's most listened-to talk radio hosts today and tomorrow as they gather for the annual Conservative Talk Radio Bootcamp, this year held within shouting distance of the White House in Arlington, Virginia.

Famed for its evening Bible study followed by raucous all-night partying, the gathering began its activities last night and will continue until Tuesday afternoon.

The self-proclaimed "King of Right Media," Derf Kimbrough, was to keynote the convention this morning at 10am, though his address was pushed back to a more reasonable 1pm time slot. Entertainment on the agenda includes a faux coup d'etat ballet, performed by Ballet Extraordinaire du Buffalo, and a concert by Miley Cyrus.

All The Excess! is on the scene and will have bootcamp highlights for you Wednesday.

Controversial "Wine Country" has its market buzzing

An amazing worst-to-first story from the Spring 2009 Arbitrons comes from the tiny market of Bristol-Palin, West Virginia, where Dry County Media's WYYN (Wine Country 93.5) has numbed the competition with an intoxicating 46.7 share 12-plus! We sent our sharpest All The Excess! ears to the 312th largest market to find out just what's in the secret sauce.













Wine Country was formerly WWTR, a brokered religious station that languished in the ratings cellar. Says GM Ronaldo DeJesus, "After the change to country, even we were surprised by the punch of this station. Sure, we were confident we could be a player in the market, but the result of turning WWTR into WYYN has been nothing short of miraculous."

WYYN borrowed marketing ideas from the quirky "Froggy" country franchise and saturated the station with wine imagery. The jock lineup is only the beginning: Mornings feature the trio Pick, Stomp, and Ferment, followed by PD/MD Corky Caskwell in the workplace hours. The husband and wife duo of Merle O. and Cookin' Sherri handle afternoon drive, and Nancy Grapes takes evenings with the popular "Kissin' Cousins" dedication show. Overnighter D.U. Eye pumps out the country hits in the wee hours, and part-timers Topo Grigio, "Savvy" Jan Blanc, and Sam "The Sham" Payne give the weekend a fruity finish.

Music is almost exactly a 50/50 split of the current country harvest and vintage material, with a private reserve of reaction records that Caskwell enjoys spiking amongst the traditional format favorites.

The station is hyper-active with event promotions, notably presenting the nationally sponsored comedy competition, "Gallo's Humor." But on the same night as that big show, local church groups not-so-coincidentally scheduled an old-style tent revival! It was then that Wine Country caught its first whiff of brewing controversy.

PD Caskwell told us, "The Baptist church is a strong force in these here parts. Sometimes they just won't let us breathe."

Rubella Scarrs, President of the Bristol-Palin Chamber of Commerce, says Wine Country has stained a carefully concocted image campaign. "Just when we had people believing we were some new high-tech corridor and semiconductor haven, along comes Wine Country to perpetuate the idea that guys from here marry their sisters."

Law enforcement officials weighed in as well. Sheriff Festus Torpedo is sour on a prominent Wine Country slogan: "Since they began saying 'enjoy WYYN at home, at work, and in your car,' calls to social services have tripled, we've seen increased workplace absences and we're drowning in drunk drivers. The station is popular, without a doubt, but Wine Country makes us cops see red!"

But it's the green that DeJesus likes, and WYYN is practically printing money since the Spring numbers poured in. "The consumers have spoken, and around here, Wine Country 93.5 is the flavor that goes with everything!"

Truly, the trials of 2009 have been enough to drive some operators to the bottle, but one must agree that it's been a very good year for WYYN, Wine Country 93.5!

Shirley hired to program KBFD

Venerable Ennui CHR KBFD (D-105)/Houston has hired industry vet Tank Shirley to be its new program director, replacing Wanda B. Famous, who exited the station last week.

Ennui Houston/Austin/Dallas/San Antonio/El Paso/New Orleans/Albuquerque Market Manager Manny Hatts said, "Tank Shirley comes to KBFD with a long list of credentials, a consistent reputation, and a unique way of seeing the big picture which will bring much needed stability to D-105."

Most recently at WFFL (Awful 101)/Atlanta, Shirley has programmed twelve major market stations in the past three years, with an average tenure of four months per station. The Wall Street Journal recently coined the term "The Shirley Effect" to describe his uncanny ability to secure new employment immediately after being terminated, most often due to lack of ratings and revenue results.

Hatts continued, "More than 500 people applied for this job, but Shirley stood out from the rest because of his unique vision. We're stoked to have him in Houston at our most important station from a revenue standpoint."

Of his new venture, Shirley commented "I've had my eye on Ennui Broadcasting for a long time. It's going to be great to join their Houston cluster and move to yet another big city I've never seen before. This time my luck is gonna change. We're gonna turn Dallas on its ear!"

Congress proposes radio bailout

Congress may come to the aid of struggling radio companies yet, if a new piece of legislation gains support in the House and Senate.

The proposed RADIO incentive, for Recession Assistance for Desperate Investors and Owners, is inspired by the current "Cash For Clunkers" initiative. Under the RADIO plan, qualifying companies with economic hardships who cease operations and turn in their radio licenses to the FCC could receive cash amounts up to three per cent of a station's most recent purchase price per license.

"In a lot of cases, that's the best return on their investment they're going to get," said one who should know, former Fortress CEO Hussein M. Greedie.

Already nicknamed "Treasure for Toilets," the legislation could possibly be inserted into the performance royalty bill currently before Congress, sources say.

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™

By far, our most popular regular feature!

Here's proof that a "thrifty" can be cheap and still be clever. So why did we have to go all the way to Bucharest to find it? From Rumania's Magic FM comes this week's TRSTVSOTW....

How'd you spend your summer furlough?

The craptastic economy necessitated it...your heinous corporation insisted on it...with your pay already cut, you were informed that you were to take a mandatory one-week (or more) furlough..."vacation" with no pay...by your employer! We want to know how you spent the time! Email us at furlough@alltheexcess.com.

If your submission is published, it will be edited so that it is NOT traceable to you; that is, unless you want it to be.

Last week's Big 10 Advertisers

According to All The Excess! monitoring, these were the ten most often heard advertisers on radio in America last week:

1. Double Wide World (homes with wheels)

2. Second Language Auto Insurance

3. Locust-B-Gon (crop dusting/personal insect repellent)

4. The HD Radio Rah Rah Association

5. Wide 'n' Thik (male enhancement)

6. Perv-Away (combo mace/taser gun kit)

7. Surgeon In A Box

8. Tome Depot (bookstore chain)

9. E-Co-Li-cious (salads and more)

10. Erase-a-roid (do it yourself hemorrhoid remover)

HD2s - Multiplying like rowdy rabbits!!

Did you know that for every four stations who turn off their HD Radio broadcasting equipment due to issues like budget constraints, reduced coverage or adjacent channel interference, one new HD2 or HD3 multicast channel signs on? It's true! And in my new column we'll bring you the latest on these "stations between the stations" and the hard working people who make them happen.

For instance, here at the HD Radio Rah Rah Association's offices in Washington, DC, we're adjusting our new Microsoft Zune HD prototypes to pick up the signal of WIQA-HD2, the Capital's newest multicast station. They're pumping out "Classic Talk" 24/7. Congratulations to WIQA-HD2 summer intern Jody Valleyam, who has been given the weighty responsibility of making sure the previous day's shows on WIQA's main channel are recorded so that they can be played back 24 hours later on WIQA-HD2. When Jody returns to school full time in the fall, that responsibility will revert to programming assistant LaToya LaLanne, to whom Jody reports.

Across the continent in Richmond, VA, another HD2 channel has signed on. It's CCC's WUNK-FM-HD2, bringing the never-before-heard-in-the-market sounds of Japanese anime soundtracks to Richmond and portions of nearby Petersburg. WUNK-FM weekend personality "Scrapin'" Sammy Chapin has been put in charge of hitting F10 on the HD2 channel's logs. Congratulations, "Scrapin'" Sammy!

Until the next installment, just a reminder to all our merry multicasting mavens out there - don't forget to import those logs! Regardless of what the ratings say, you do have listeners out there, and for those people, dead air equals despair! Ciao for now!

Seacrest linked to big girl

Making us wonder how he possibly has time for a love life and hundreds of jobs, scores of them at radio stations, Ryan Seacrest has shocked us again! Now the most eligible bachelor on air has been seen in the company of famed Spanish plus-size model Una Mas.

The camera doesn't lie - Seacrest and Mas were spotted swapping spit at trendy L.A. watering hole Enano Rico over the weekend.

YouTube to A.T.E.!: "Enough already!"

Apparently the strain put on YouTube servers during our "Find Me A Gig Week" was just too intense! We've been asked (nicely) to cease and desist embedding any more YouTube videos for a few days while the smoke clears and the YouTube repair guys get some much needed sleep.

Don't worry, though, we'll still have a new Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™ for you mid-week, and our popular video features won't stop completely. It just means that all of us here at A.T.E.! will have to work a little harder for a few days and not kick back and borrow content to keep you intertained and enformed.

New! Expanded HD2, HD3 coverage

With the proliferation of programming thanks to the multicast technology of HD Radio, All The Excess! is expanding our coverage of HD2 and HD3 side channels. In fact, we've hired an expert on multicasting to weigh in from time to time on the ever-shifting HD lanscape: Connie Klondike.

Klondike comes to us with the extreme and urgent endorsement of the HD Radio Rah Rah Association (HDRRRA). She has been instrumental in issuing the frequent yet predictable HDRRRA press releases, and is a natural choice to lend her "inside" knowledge to All The Excess! She'll continue in her role as Administrative Assistant to HDRRRA President Gavin Lemmings while contributing semi-regular roundups of activity on the "stations between the stations" made possible by burgeoning HD Radio technology.

Look for Connie's first "Multicasting Mayhem" column Monday on A.T.E.!

Everyone knows it's Wendy

It's unusual for All The Excess! to delve into the television world, but this is indeed a special situation (and it's the weekend, so consider this a "bonus" or "gift" post anyway). Recently, Wendy Williams left her afternoon drive show on WBLS/New York to concentrate on her daily TV talk show full time. Around the same time, it was announced that Ms. Williams would be inducted into the National Radio Hall of Fame.

If we were to ask Wendy, "How you doin'?" the answer would obviously be, "Super!" as she receives such terrific recognition from her previous industry and takes her career to a new medium and level.

To salute Wendy, here's a clip of the quality celeb-gossiping and advice-giving TV show to which she's devoting her life. If you didn't know it already, this will demonstrate why Wendy Williams is truly the Queen of All Media!

Find Me A Gig Week - Friday

Due to the overwhelming response we've received regarding Find Me A Gig Week, we have decided to post two demos today as we conclude the special feature. First, "Mark Turner's Produciton (sic) Demo." Mark has been honing his craft at WMRN (Buckeye Country 94.3)/Marion, OH and says he's ready to do "produciton" for you. Take a listen.



You can contact Mark Turner at nightmanturner@hotmail.com.

And finally, here is the demo of jobless Arnetta the Moodsetta, last of WBLX/Mobile.



Find Me A Gig Week demos are presented just as they are posted on YouTube, without editing, critique, or comment.

Find Me A Gig Week - Thursday

From WMRB (96.3 The Jam)/Columbia, TN, here's Makelita Frierson.



Contact Makelita Frierson at mafrierson22@yahoo.com, or 931-215-8572.

Find Me A Gig Week demos are presented just as they are posted on YouTube, with no editing, critique, or comment.

From the All The Excess! mail pouch...

Consultant Ron G. Waye responds

Tuesday's A.T.E.! item on what consultants are up to in this age when skimpy budgets have forced stations to do without them struck a nerve with at least one:

"Your broad swipe at underemployed consultants this past Tuesday made us all look like happy-go-lucky fools with nothing better to do than bid on PPMs on eBay. Whereas you used to garner high positives with me, my acceptance score is now in a neutral percentile bordering on negative.

"Perhaps you’d like to know that in addition to steep revenue declines, there are lesser known effects of having one’s client roster go from hundreds to a handful overnight. This year my summer vacation required cash outlay; previously, hotel premium awards and frequent flier mile accrual brought that expense into balance. But in addition, flying as much as I had been, I could count on the starvation forced on me by frugal airlines to keep my weight in check, but no longer. The curtailment of travel has caused me to balloon by 22 pounds.

"Without an organized team-based strategy, my core competencies have been severely compromised. Example: I used to know the entire PowerPoint clip art library like the back of my hand, but that data is slipping away from lack of use.

"And on a more personal level, the female I had been test marketing has run off with another brand. It seems I could no longer offer her value added in my highly leveraged state.

"Though I have issues with your portrayal of consultants in Tuesday’s piece, I do see improvement opportunities. They are detailed in the enclosed DVD presentation, along with a five-point plan to kick things up a notch. Please review; then let’s maximize synergies and reap the rewards of collaboration.

Sincerely,

Ron G. Waye, VP

Pentothol Research Partners Ltd."

All The Excess! encourages those with opposing points of view to email comments to spam@alltheexcess.com.

Find Me A Gig Week - Wednesday

Here's Angela Brightwell, as heard on KMMT/Mammoth Lakes, CA.



Having posted no email address, Angela apparently prefers to be contacted through her "AngelaBrightwell" YouTube account.

Find Me A Gig Week demos are presented just as they are posted on YouTube, with no editing, critique, or comment.

Don't believe everything you hear

Contrary to rumors you may have heard, it is NOT true that minority broadcasters have approached Pope Benedict XVI about making Arbitron's Portable People Meter a world religious issue.

Nor have they gone to Secretary General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-moon.

Yet.

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™

There's a reason that adult women often play children, male or female, in audio productions. But who costs more, a female AFTRA member, or the sales manager's 5-year-old kid? And could that be a rhetorical question? Just maybe?

This week's prize for penny pinching goes to Pillar of Fire's WAWZ (Star 99.1)/Zarephath, NJ...



"Look...ay shooting star!"....Remember, you too can submit a Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™ candidate by emailing TRSTVSOTW@alltheexcess.com! There's no real honest-to-jeebus reward, but oh, the notoriety!

Find Me A Gig Week - Tuesday

Today, a presentation from Eric Jacobsen on "99X," location unknown.



Contact Eric Jacobsen at ejradio@gmail.com.

Find Me A Gig Week demos are presented just as they are posted on YouTube, with no editing, critique, or comment.

PPM pitch delivered to oval office

(legitimate news! -ed) President Barack Obama has received a letter from a coalition of minority broadcasters asking for his immediate help in mediating the current debate over Arbitron's Portable People Meter (PPM) and its alleged misrepresentation of the radio listening done by various ethnic groups.

Obama is now forced to prioritize the festering PPM crisis relative to other issues of the day, including the economy, Iraq, healthcare reform, Afghanistan, global warming initiatives, terrorism, unpopular wars in foreign lands, threats from emerging nuclear powers such as Iran and North Korea, and the whereabouts of Michael Jackson's prosthetic nose.

Given that list, we can think of only one item above which the PPM threat might rank in importance. And even that could be called into question.

When and if the first Town Hall discussion of the PPM is scheduled, All The Excess! will be there to cover the event, but we're not holding our breath!

Those who can't do, consult

But what if they can't consult? Then what?

These days with radio budgets tighter than Joan Rivers' face, a common casualty has been the station consultant. The client rosters of many leading consultants have dwindled, leaving these advisers with idle hands. All The Excess! asked several of them just how they're passing the time as they ride out the recession.

News/talk consultant Anne Drogynie: "I've been bidding on PPMs on eBay, plus I've been getting my hands dirty restoring a vintage Mack truck to its original mint condition."

Jake Fredericks, of Classic Rock firm Frederated Media: "Nobody's commissioning our research projects, but we're still doing them. Lately we've been studying the impact of social networking on agoraphobic people. And in our spare time, we try to pick up PPMs on eBay."

Sales consultant Eddie Gourmet had no clients going into the recession, so he's maintaining status quo, he says. "When I'm not bidding on PPMs on eBay, I'm sharing my skills with customers at Best Buy."

It's business as usual for CHR adviser Art Decko, who spends his time critically monitoring stations in the top 100 markets. Art hotlines jocks when he hears dead air or content that doesn't interest him, whether he's calling a client station or not. "I'm also bargain-hunting for the best price on PPMs on eBay, Craigslist, wherever," he confessed.

Smooth Jazz consultant Boney Orlando, faced with a shrinking number of stations in his format, says he's actually busier than ever. "Kenny G and I meet daily to go over each other's airchecks, and lord knows there's plenty to work on there. I'm also learning to be a barrista. Oh, and if I can just nail one more PPM on eBay I'll have a complete family four pack!"

Find Me A Gig Week - Monday

During "Find Me A Gig Week," each demo will be presented as it has been posted on YouTube, without any editing, critique, or comment. Today's is a recording of Tom Dean on WJZQ/Traverse City, MI.



Despite posting an aircheck to promote himself, Tom seems to have listed no contact information. We imagine you could track him down via his YouTube member name "51westies" if interested.

Public health concern over Kimbrough diet

Right wing radio talker and conservative savant Derf Kimbrough shocked the nation last week when he revealed the new, slimmer Derf. Now public health officials are cautioning that Kimbrough's weight loss method could be dangerous.

The Farmers Union for Harvesting Cabbage from Kansas (FUHCK), a longtime Kimbrough advertiser, promotes the pound-melting cabbage and licorice diet that Kimbrough says is responsible for his weight loss.

Speaking for the National Institute of Health, Dr. C. I. Havananus warned that the FUHCK diet lacks basic daily nutritional value. "Depending on the length of time you diet, ingesting only cabbage and licorice can cause complications ranging from extreme flatulence to mental breakdowns to a complete loss of the sense of taste," he said. "I worry about the effect of his endorsement on the kids of America, many of whom enjoy the two foods, and especially when served together."

The now-svelte Kimbrough countered, "Bull hockey. If I had gas problems, don't you think I'd be the first to know? And as far as lacking taste, I challenge anyone to prove that they taste better than I do." He failed to address the mental health issue in his statement, though diagnoses of acute paranoia have dogged Kimbrough for years.

Glenn Beck - The Wonder Years

And to think, now that he's moved to television, Beck is still gimmick-free...

Find me a gig week!

More and more, air personalities and audio production people are using the YouTube platform to advertise their talents. To save you time, All The Excess! has scoured the collection of YouTube demos so you don't have to - and beginning Monday, each day we'll feature a different radio person looking for his/her next challenge.

So whether you're in search of today's freshest new air talent, or you just want to see what the competition is like out there, be sure to check All The Excess! each day this coming week..."Find Me a Gig Week!"

Seacrest out?

Is this exchange between super-sized pink tie-wearing Ryan Seacrest (filling in for fellow softball question hurler Larry King) and CNN's Anderson Cooper a wee bit flirtatious? Or are we just especially in touch with our metrosexual side today?

Is the R-word poison?

Earlier this week, it was announced that Radio Shack, without officially changing the names of its stores, would be shifting its branding to a heavy use of "The Shack." Now that move seems to have inspired imitators, who are distancing themselves from the R-word in similar fashion.

We hear that at the nation's third largest Hispanic broadcaster, Radio Juan, discussions are underway to change the company's name officially to "El Juan." We were referred to company President Benny Mustard for official confirmation, but he was vacationing in his beloved Hamptons and did not return A.T.E.!'s call.

And just last night, as we took a late stroll to Rockefeller Center, the All The Excess! staff noticed the alarming sight pictured...NYC can now boast that it's the home of "City Music Hall." We followed a sobbing Rockette all the way to Times Square but couldn't get her to go on the record about the moniker change.

Sales of porn vid offset Fluffycloud Q2 decline

On today's Fluffycloud conference call, CEO Darlene Pullma-Finger proudly announced a much less steep decline in Q2 revenues than analysts had predicted. Apparently the better-than-expected numbers were helped by sales of an adult DVD shot in various company facilities.

The successful video that's flying off adult bookstore shelves reportedly shows after hours clandestine conjugal conference room couplings in numerous Fluffycloud locations, with faces and tattoos mostly pixelated in an effort to protect the subjects' identities.

In March, Fluffycloud announced it was placing cameras in stations for the purpose of monitoring sales efforts from the home office. It was feared at the time that the cameras would be an invasion of workers' privacy, but now the employees caught on video are being hailed as horny heroes.

"Special thanks to all our AE's who took one for the team," Pullma-Finger declared to the delight of investors listening to today's call.

Fluffycloud earnings had been expected to decline between 21% and 25%, but were down only 3% when profits from the "Account Sexecutives" video were factored in.

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spots of the Week™

Okay, okay! No more email! We realize that we got too caught up in "PPM Week" last week and forgot to honor a Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™. Give us a break...it's the first time we missed one since beginning the feature back in April!

How about if we give you two this week? Will that make you happy?

We think the first one (from Saga's WHQG/Milwaukee) is supposed to be bad. The second one (KNCN/Corpus Christi, a Clear Channel station) is just..........well, thrifty.

First Listen: St. Louis' new "Clock Radio 1150"

by Ron Sauce

People often ask, "Ron, how do you have time to listen to all those Internet radio streams that you write about?" Let's turn that inside out - today I'm writing about listening to the Internet stream of a radio station that's all time. It's the St. Louis area's new KOLK, a 500-watt station (5 watts at night) serving the Gateway City from Cottleville, Missouri, and delivering time checks every minute on the minute, 24/7/365.

"Clock Radio 1150" is the first and only affiliate of the fledgling WWV Network. You'd never know it was a national feed, however, as the presentation seemed to be tailored for St. Louis, down to the local custom of utilizing Central Daylight Time (Time zone differences are very important nuances that less savvy operators might have overlooked).

Clock Radio will slaughter some of radio programming's sacred cows, which may be just plump enough to warrant the rotating blades anyway. Bizarre metaphors aside, Clock Radio has already disproved the axiom that people don't want to hear the same thing every day at the same time, which will send software developers who write Selector code back to the drawing board in frustration.

Depending on an individual programmer's philosophy, the strict twelve-hour rotation on time checks will be either too loose or too tight. Nevertheless it is a trait of the station that even the most casual listener will notice. Perhaps we'll see some tweaking of this predictability as the days go by, or certainly by the next "Fall back, spring forward" daylight savings event.

We can hope that the sales department can secure a variety of clients soon, because the repetitive "time to get your auto glass repaired at Sweeney's Glass Works" was burning awfully fast in just the first ten minutes of listening. Although that point could be moot, given the way listeners are likely to use the station. Time will tell (pun intended), but my educated guess is that Clock Radio will be much more effective at grabbing cume than earning TSL.

Allowing for the buffering of the Internet stream we heard, it seemed like Clock Radio's time checks were for the most part accurate. The tones between time checks were pleasant to the ear and obviously AMT researched. There was a good balance of male and female voices delivering the time, although the rather light number of African-American voices for a city like St. Louis (18.1% black) should be noted. Slogans were catchy and, if you will, timely.

We do find the station's iPhone application to be a bit useless, however. It's nice to be able to hear Clock Radio anywhere your iPhone can go, but it seems strange to listen to this programming on a device that's already clearly displaying the time of day. Kudos to Fred Jacobs for selling KOLK on the iPhone app idea; a lesser man might not have succeeded.

All in all, I can proclaim now that Clock Radio 1150 is my favorite all time station. But remember, it is (so far) the only all time station.

A sample stretch of Clock Radio 1150:

10:08 am
10:09 am
10:10 am
10:11 am
10:11 am (an obvious mistake, but quickly rectified in the next minute)
10:13 am
10:14 am
10:15 am
10:16 am

Slogans: "The time that everyone at work can agree isn't close enough to quitting time," "Give us 22 minutes, and we'll give you 22 minutes," "Never too early, never too late, Clock Radio 1150 is great," "Now any radio can be a Clock Radio," and our favorite, "Parsley, sage, rosemary, and Clock Radio 1150."

New KOLK-AM puts St. Louis on a schedule!

Flash! The stunting is over at Feeble Broadcasting's KOLK/St. Louis (Cottleville), MO. This morning, KOLK became the first affiliate of the WWV Radio Network, utilizing the all-time check formula that made the original WWV such a sensation on the short wave bands.

Using the moniker "Clock Radio 1150," the station began its new programming approach with the first time check, "It's 6 o'clock," at precisely 6am.

KOLK GM Morton Salt punned, "Our time has come today! All time, all the time! You'll hear a time check on the minute, every minute! People are always asking for more time, and Clock Radio delivers!"

Addressing the 500-watt AM station's signal deficiencies, Salt added, "There are some holes in coverage, especially with our 5-watt night power, but when we get that FM translator it'll fix everything." As for the new identity, "We tried to get the KLOK call letters but couldn't, so we spelled it backwards."

The station kicked off with a phrase-that-pays contest in which the Clock Radio mystery man appears all over greater St. Louis asking total strangers for the time. The correct answer for $100 on the spot is "Go find out for yourself on Clock Radio."

Coming later today: An exclusive "First Listen" to Clock Radio 1150, from guest analyst Ron Sauce!

HD Radio group enlists super hero to help

The HD Radio Rah Rah Association (HDRRRA) has reportedly inked super hero Wonder Man to help teach consumers about HD Radio and spark sales of receiving units.

While Wonder Man himself was unavailable for comment, HDRRRA President Gavin Lemmings remarked, "Wonder Man is the savior of HD Radio. He can do what hundreds of thousands of free radio spots could not - educate consumers and convince them to spend money on this new technology. Just watch - people will fall under the spell of Wonder Man when he begins his nationwide tour of shopping malls and street fairs later this month."

Wonder Man, a.k.a. Simon Williams, joins the HD effort after an illustrious crime fighting and humanitarian career. A unique ring given to him in Tibet provides him with super powers to fight evil. He has been revived from death three times, by the villain Kang in 1975, by the Black Talon in 1976, and again later that year by the Living Laser. After the third revival, he rejoined the group Avengers where he has remained until joining the HDRRRA.

According to sources, Wonder Man accepted the HDRRRA's offer after two other super heroes, Ant Man and Matter Eater Lad, declined the position.

St. Louis area stunting alert

Feeble Broadcasting's KRYW/Cottleville, MO, a 500-watt AM station situated barely inside the St. Louis metro, began stunting last Friday in advance of a format change supposedly happening tomorrow (8/4). The station has been playing Chicago's "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?" non-stop, and over the weekend quietly changed its legal ID with new call letters KOLK.

Where could the dart board of formats be pierced when all the stunting ends? All The Excess! is on the case and will bring you the latest!

An uncharacteristic moment of sincerity

One of the good ones is gone. George Taylor Morris lost his battle with cancer today (8/1).

The All The Excess! staff knows George from the early days of XM Satellite Radio, when we were all in the first battalion of program directors to be hired. George programmed and starred on the incredibly intelligent Deep Tracks channel, which communicated the complexity of classic rock music with depth, reverence, and authority. As tends to happen, the channel took on the demeanor of its PD...gentle, knowledgeable, friendly, warm.

Others may know George from his days in Boston (WCOZ, WBOS, WZLX) and New York (WPIX-FM) radio, or his "Reelin' In The Years" syndicated show. He served as Director of Programming at NBC/The Source and VP of Programming for Global Satellite Network. The guy had chops and credentials, and we never heard a discouraging word about or from him...ever.

It is a pleasure to have known George Taylor Morris, and our industry is better because of him. Rest in peace, GTM...even though we need so many more like you now, we must bid you farewell.

Ryan "Mr. Hollywood" Seacrest tromboned

It's been far too long without a mention of Ryan Seacrest here on All The Excess! Time to devote some of our valuable web real estate to America's favorite employment thief and most ubiquitous radio and TV host...the $45 million everywhere-at-once guy! And we found the perfect vehicle in Leonard and Paul's "Mr. Hollywood."

The only instruments in this recording are human voice and a trombone. We guarantee you'll be humming this in the shower! A.T.E.! out! (And by the way, when is Seacrest really going to be "out"?)