PPM: Hate it? Write your congressman!

As we conclude PPM Week here at All The Excess!, we realize that not all stations and companies are in agreement with Arbitron that the Portable People Meter is a good idea. Many still believe we were better off with diaries, and some harken back to the days of Pulse, Hooper, Radio Index, Trac 7, Burke, Birch, et al. And as Congress takes steps to get involved in the PPM controversy, we thought we'd come to your aid.

That's why here you'll find a downloadable PDF file that takes the worry out of writing your congressman about PPM. Don't know what to say? We think we've said it for you, leaving blanks so you may personalize your letter with your company, call letters, etc. The file contains two letters. Be sure to choose the correct letter for your situation, whether you're in a currently PPM-measured market or one that's about to go PPM.

A strong and unified message to Congress could be the next step in getting PPM issues resolved. Find out who your congressman is here, fill out the pre-determined opinion we've created for you, and mail it to Washington ASAP!

(suggestion: The basic letter can also be sent to FCC commissioners with a few slight adjustments. You'll figure it out.)

Did Clouseau power PPM pawnings?

PPM Week Exclusive: Was the man who facilitated the near-sale of Portable People Meter (PPM) equipment on eBay none other than French Inspector Jacques Clouseau? Speculation centers on the bumbling international detective as details of his short but significant investigation at Arbitron HQ continue to emerge.

All The Excess! readers will recall a May 26 article which reported that Clouseau had been caught attempting to break in to Arbitron headquarters. Ironically, he already had full access to the complex as leader of the FCC's preliminary investigation into the Portable People Meter.

A.T.E.! has learned that prior to Clouseau's removal from the case and subsequent deportation, not only was a briefcase full of diaries snatched from the detective, but other allegedly stolen items were found in his possession. Could more...including pilfered PPMs...have gone undetected?

Asked whether he believed Clouseau could mastermind such a plot, his supervisor in Paris, Chief Inspector Dreyfus remarked, "I'd never use the words 'Clouseau' and 'mastermind' in the same sentence."

Puzzled eBay pulls PPM postings

Updated at 5:48pm ET 7/29:

Did someone get cold feet? Or a cease-and-desist?

The three PPMs up for auction on eBay have been removed before the auction's end. Apparently there will be no "winner," at least as far as the public is aware.

Likewise the PPM encoder, which was supposed to be open for bids until the end of auction on August 3, is no longer being offered.

Whose handiwork was this? Who should have been the rightful possessor of said PPM items? As one might expect, speculation runs rampant. Count on All The Excess! to fuel that speculation as PPM Week continues.

If you're new to this (legitimate) story, the A.T.E.! posts below chronicle events in reverse order.

It's down to the wire!

Bidding absolutely positively closes at 6:09pm ET/3:09pm PT for the three potentially functional yet non-activated and chargerless PPM units on eBay. As word spreads, the bidders are becoming ruthless. It's going to be worse than the hair-pulling, nail-scratching battles at the after Thanksgiving sale at Mervyn's if we're not careful! Remember Pearl Harbor!

First 3 eBay PPMs, now an ENCODER!

Editor's note: Our news imagineers have had an easy week so far - since so much real news looks like All The Excess! news, they haven't had to work very hard at all. Here's another legitimate story with that A.T.E.! feel built right in:

"PPM Week" here at All The Excess! just got better (and you thought it wasn't possible!) with the arrival of an Arbitron Portable People Meter encoder on eBay.

Sorry, this nifty unit won't cause your pirate station to show up in the next monthly in your market. It has to be sanctioned by the big A before it can enable the detection of listening to your station, legal or otherwise. But that doesn't mean you can't own it!

Click here to bid or at least to see the current amount. Auction ends August 3.

PPM WEEK continues

With so many Portable People Meter stories over the past few days, let's just go ahead and call it "PPM Week" here at All The Excess! If Discovery can have "Shark Week," well then....

Don't forget to place your bids on the three Portable People Meters up for auction on eBay! The auction positively ends today, Wednesday, at 6:09pm Eastern/3:09pm Pacific time. Who will be the big winner? And perhaps the bigger question, what will they do with three chargerless PPMs?

Disclaimer: All The Excess! had nothing to do with placing the three meters on eBay. But oh, if we had thought of it first....

Yet another PPM re-design...for athletes!

Besides the four new lifestyle-friendly Portable People Meter (PPM) designs we introduced to you on Monday, there's apparently another, dramatically different PPM model specifically for athletes. To make sure all your in-gym listening is detected, you'll want to make sure this PPM is in use in your market. And as a bonus, its radical, streamlined design should contribute to the good health of all team members. Watch!

The kind of story you expect from A.T.E.!...

...but it's in Taylor on Radio-Info this morning, so it must be true! Tom writes...

Get your very own Arbitron PPMs – on eBay.

Current high bid - $51 for three of the units, and no doubt when Arbitron sees this T-R-I newsletter story, they’ll go here for the eBay listing and check out the serial number that’s plainly displayed for one of the units. Here’s a question – Who legally owns those three meters? My guess is that Arbitron does. The seller says, basically, that they fell off the back of a truck. The listing says “this is a recovery freight item” and that all three units are “new and unused.” If you’re the lucky high bidder, you’ll wish that the charger had also fallen off the back of the freight truck, since the PPMs have a very finite battery life. Of course there’s no way they’d be accepted by Arbitron as belonging to legitimate panel members. So the mysterious bidder identified by eBay only as “K***U” probably has some reverse engineering in mind, to see just what’s inside the gadgets. K***U began the bidding at $10.41 last Thursday, raised the ante to $20 yesterday, then immediately went to $35, watched a second bidder enter at $50, and raised to $51. The auction ends at 3:09pm today, Pacific time.

Believe us, All The Excess! would love to take credit for comedy like this. But we can't.

UPDATE AND CORRECTION: The auction ends at 3:09pm Pacific time tomorrow, Wednesday 7/29. You still have until that time to bid! Click here for the present high bid amount.

Arbitron introduces new PPM designs

Customized for individual lifestyles

As the Portable People Meter (PPM) continues its controversial roll-out, Arbitron has gone back to the drawing board, concocting new PPM designs that hopefully will make it more desirable for survey participants to carry one of the electronic listening measurement devices.

"We've identified several life groups within our respondent universe who would rather carry something that appears more appropriate for their individual lifestyle," Arbitron's Frank Sunbeens said at a press conference at which the new redesigns were first displayed. "These new designs are the result of countless hours of participant observation and focus group testing."

Here, All The Excess! shows a prototype of each new PPM design, along with Arbitron's official explanation.

1. The Bling PPM

"For those whose normal wear encompasses the urban jewelry sensation known as 'bling,' a PPM blended with a jeweled dollar sign is sure to impress. Worn around the neck, this device also contains special circuitry that filters heavy bass notes, which have been found to confuse the device into believing that another station is being heard."

2. The Flask PPM

"This PPM is perfect for the man or woman on the go who carries a flask to lessen stress and avoid becoming parched or dehydrated. The PPM is attached to the flask in a way that avoids leaks and minimizes temperature changes to the refreshing liquid inside."

3. PPM for Her

"Female respondents have complained that the PPM detracts from their wardrobe ensembles, so now there's a convenient way to wear the device under regular clothing. This PPM doubles as a handy bra clasp with only the slightest noticeable bulge."

4. PPM for the Defense

"Perhaps our most magnificent redesign accomplishment, the handgun PPM is a fully functional firearm coupled with the Portable People Meter. Aimed at meter carriers in southern states as well as inner city school children, this is our secret weapon to hitting promised respondent targets."

It's splitsville for anti-PPM protest group

After being exposed Tuesday by All The Excess!, yet before it could organize even one protest rally, the anti-Arbitron/PPM group RadiOppressed has reportedly broken into two factions. Insiders say that the reason for the split was infighting among the membership regarding the reasons they oppose Arbitron's roll-out of the Portable People Meter.

Those who are anti-PPM due to alleged inaccuracies and sampling shortfalls have formed their own group known as DWEEBS (Diaries Were Excellent; Electronic Boxes Suck). The remainder of the original group's members, who feel that PPM costs too much, have become FLAWED (Feeling Like Arbitron Wants to Extort Dollars).

Is Briggs a major player in the anti-PPM underground?

It is still not known exactly who developed the idea of a subversive resistance to PPM, although a former executive assistant to consultant Andy K. Briggs has come forward with allegations that her ex-boss may be involved. "We didn't have any client stations, so I got laid off," Bonita Mattress told All The Excess! "But I know Andy has a real (vulgar slang for "erection") for PPM."

Asked if she believed that financing had been funneled to Briggs via Hispanic broadcasters Radio Juan (as many have suspected), Mattress said with a wink, "No estoy seguro, mis amigos, but money for all those charts and graphs is coming from someplace, that's for sure."

If Briggs is indeed involved, many speculate that he would have chosen to be on the side of DWEEBS when RadiOppressed split in two.

All The Excess! will continue to milk this deepening mystery.

PUNday PUNday

Twenty-six year morning mavens Tex and Edna Boyle are lanced by the budget cutting spear at KWGW/Abilene...Night slammer Durward Lubey slides into the MD chair at MOFO Satellite Radio's classic ska channel "Rasta Lite"...Ennui/Roanoake withdraws PD Ed Banks from WGVB-FM and deposits him at WGVB-AM and WAIW as OM; also of interest, "Jolly" Roger McPhail succeeds Banks at WGVB-FM...KRLM/Duluth drains Chris Kegg from middays for those familiar "less filling" economic reasons...Afternoon driver Vince Virgin is deflowered by the throbbing cost-cutting impaler at WUUF/Battle Creek...had enough yet?

Rowdy focus group sends PD to ER

CCC News/Talk WZSI/Hartford PD Ed Lyner is recovering from injuries suffered in a Thursday night focus group session, when a respondent crashed through the two-way mirror, injuring Lyner seriously enough to require hospitalization.

Witnesses say that one of the focus group's members, identified as Myron Fence of New Britain, Connecticut, could apparently hear Lyner mimicking him and laughing loudly each time he spoke in the group. After a few such instances, the 340-pound Fence got up and hurled himself through the mirror and into the observation area where Lyner was sitting.

Both Lyner and Fence suffered glass cuts and were taken to area hospitals. Fence was later released to police custody and booked for aggravated assault.

Of his injuries, Lyner told us, "I have more stitches in me than there are in Derf Kimbrough's jockey shorts. But I couldn't help myself...the guy was unintentionally hilarious."

The other focus group participants received double the usual payment, were asked not to speak to the press, and were offered suggestions on where to get counseling after the violent incident.

How's that job hunt going?

All The Excess! realizes that it's a tough job market out there. If you've been laid off, you know all too well that the number of available radio jobs has shrunk, and the workforce looking for them is huge, hungry, and ruthless.

In a new series, A.T.E.! will try to show you, with the aid of various economic advisers, how you can weather this downturn and live to be rejected another day. This installment comes from financial consultant Hiram Cheeplee of Dewitt, Barebones, Cheeplee, and Howe, Inc.

Bizarre 5-way swap in Nashville

While the Nashville Fluffycloud cluster sits in limbo pending its sale to Clueless Communications, its management has put a wild five-way call letter/format/frequency swap in motion.

When the dust settles, CHR WFFT (106.3 The Power Monkey) will be at 92.3 with the WUXN calls and new slogan "92.3 The New Ape." Talk WBFD moves from 92.3 to 98.1 and picks up the Country format being dropped by WRRH. Classic rock will be the new format for WRRH as it transfers down the dial from 107.9 to 97.3 and changes its slogan to "Rockin' Heaven 97." Formerly on 98.1, Classic Hits WQIT becomes talker "Quit 106" on WFFT's old 106.3 frequency. And finally, Smooth Jazz WZZZ leaves 97.3 for good, with its staff of two staying on to launch the new AC format "Wet" with new calls WWTW on WRRH's old frequency of 107.9.

Cluster OM Chester Drawers says the idea began with a couple of accidentally crossed wires in the group's master control room, and grew to this five-way exchange. "We're all history when Clueless takes over anyway," he said, "so we decided we'd just f--- with people."

Pirate stations slow to adopt HD

Besides being named one of the top technology duds of this decade by CNET, there's more bad news for HD radio today: Pirate stations aren't touching the technology.

An All The Excess! spot check of 147 pirate radio stations currently operating illegally in the New York City area turned up no stations broadcasting HD radio.

Interestingly, one Gotham pirate station which had recently changed format from Caribbean music to Spanish oldies claimed that the Caribbean music had been moved to its HD2 channel, when in actuality there was no HD signal even on the main channel. Billboards promoting the availability of the old format on HD2 were still up at this writing, and account executives for the pirate station were still using the HD2 story on the street, we're told. A call to the station's general manager was not returned; we were told he was at group manager's meetings and would address the issue on his return.

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™

Believe us, no professional voiceover talents were harmed or overworked in the production of this "Thrifty" for Norman Communications, Inc.'s WNMB/North Myrtle Beach, SC (home town of Vanna White)!

Non-violent protest group opposes PPM

All The Excess! has received several communiques from a group calling itself "RadiOppressed," an underground anti-Portable People Meter (PPM) organization threatening to wage a non-violent jihad against Arbitron's electronic ratings measurement system.

"We will take the battle underground in the style of the protest movements of the sixties," says the latest release.

RadiOppressed's slogan is "Give us back the ratings we're used to, or we'll give you a really big headache!"

Apparently RadiOppressed is dissatisfied with bureaucratic means of stopping PPM rollout and promises take matters into its own hands, while pledging any disturbance will be non-violent. No leaders or members of RadiOppressed have been identified, but sources say there is a possibility that the group is indirectly funded by the nation's third-largest Hispanic broadcaster, Radio Juan, a company that claims its stations' ratings have been fractionalized by the PPM methodology.

Arbitron had no comment, and Radio Juan representatives flatly refused to talk about the existence of any such group, plus denied any funding efforts on the company's part.

Stand by for more on this developing story here on All The Excess!

Denver's Buttox to be silenced

Gilbert Godfrey Buttox, 61, longtime morning man at CCC Sports KYY/Denver, dropped a bombshell this morning by announcing his impending retirement on the air. The news was a surprise to management as well as tens of thousands of listeners accustomed to waking up with Buttox every morning.

"Replacing Buttox will be no easy chore," said a stunned KYY PD Elroy Diablo. "His leaving means there's a gaping hole in our lineup. This is a plum job opening, whatever that means."

"A nationwide hunt is on for someone who can stick out like Buttox did," added GM Clancy Drew. "Truly this is an era's end. It's really going to be different without Buttox in that chair every morning. Listeners were always behind him, even when he made asses out of them. In Denver it was cool to be the butt of one of old G.G.'s jokes."

KYY enjoyed huge Buttox numbers even before the switch to sports in 2001. The departing morning star said in his on-air announcement that he was fortunate to have invested wisely in the gardening supply company Nappyhead Hoses 'n' Things, and will remain on that company's board of directors while enjoying his retirement in the Rocky Mountains.

"I'm not so old that I'm going to just disappear," the well-liked star said. "Just watch - you'll be seeing Buttox everywhere."

Subtle name change for MOFO

Multiple Offerings From Orbit (MOFO) Satellite Radio is the new name of the cash-inhaling Atlanta-based subscription service.

The word "Discount" has been dropped from the satcaster's moniker, which is appropriate given that MOFO hikes consumer's rates in just a few short weeks, allegedly to pay for royalty fees, and certainly not because of any outrageous salary hikes or copious bonuses for questionably successful MOFO executives.

Wealthy, set-for-life, loose cannon MOFO CEO P.T. Burnem, speaking on a video conference call from a luxurious hotel in Bangkok where he is vacationing, explained the name change by saying, "'Discount' is a word our research showed to be more associated with places like Wal-Mart, Target, or K-Mart...you know, meaning 'cheap and below standard quality.'" He made no mention of the hike in subscription prices while being fanned with palm fronds by eleven young Thai women.

Perhaps coincidentally, as of today Wal-Mart, Target, and K-Mart are no longer advertising on MOFO channels.

Tips on kicking off your all-sports FM

It's all the rage from coast-to-coast. Those testosterone-soaked voices are moving from the sharp and staticky staccato of AM to the lush quadraphonic (and sometimes HD) FM dial. If you're thinking about joining the FM all-sports parade, All The Excess! has arranged for consultant Dewey Nowhitt to give you some pro tips before you throw out the first pitch. Remember, this is free advice from an expert on all-sports FM's, so read carefully!

1. There should be a professional or college team to get excited about within a 200 mile radius. Signing on an all-sports FM in Juneau, Alaska is probably not gonna work.

2. When searching for talent, look for the next Billy Mays (R.I.P.). Your listeners expect sports radio guys to be loud. Loud equals macho equals boxcar numbers! Set the mic gain in the studio really low so they have to shout to be heard. It works!

3. When it comes to play-by-play, avoid slow-moving quiet sports like golf. Likewise highly visual sports like gymnastics and diving do not play well on radio.

4. Motivate your staff so that they feel athletic at all times. Males should always wear jockstraps (You'll want to spot-check them from time to time). Make showers mandatory after each air talent's show. Keep a wet, sweaty towel fermenting in the air studio for that realistic inside-a-gym-locker aroma.

5. Your music bumpers - have you researched them? Are they high-scoring and well-known songs your listeners can sing along with? My patented "Yes/No/Maybe" auditorium music test will make sure your music beds are super familiar and burn-free, and ready for PPM!

Dewey Nowhitt has primarily consulted Smooth Jazz stations, but he dug sports before he liked Kenny G. Reach him at Bandwagon Consulting, 818-555-HELP.

Big time PD a big disappointment

When radio fan Rahjan Gheek of Des Moines heard that one of his local radio stations had hired a nationally-known PD with a multi-major-market resume, he was looking forward to a real shake-up in Iowa radio. But Gheek says so far he's disappointed in his local AC station, J-97 (Dripping Hose Broadcasting's KVJJ/Stalkview-Tassletown-Des Moines).

Dripping Hose issued a chest-thumping press release six weeks ago touting the arrival of Nomad "U-Haul's Best Friend" Kardashian as PD, and tongues began wagging about the exciting possibilities for the ratings-challenged J-97. Earlier this week, signs that Kardashian was working his magic began to appear.

For two days, J-97 stunted with amusing decoy formats like all-Gregorian chants and a Polka/country hybrid. And on the third day, they became "Jonas 97," playing all Jonas Brothers, teasing that they'd finally show their hand the next day at 10am. What Gheek heard at the appointed time on Thursday sounded all too familiar to him: "They were back to Rod Stewart, Celine Dion, and Phil Collins again. Yawn."

J-97 did begin calling itself "All star J-97," but that's about all that's different, according to Gheek. A major advertiser in the region echoed the sentiment, saying "They had us going for a minute there but it sounds like they're back to the same s---. I can't tell any difference. F--- them."

All The Excess! tried to reach Kardashian for a comment, but we were told that he was busy escorting the entire air staff out of the building. He apparently never returned to his office. Later, Kardashian's U-Haul truck, fully packed and bearing a crudely painted sign that said "All of the top 100 markets or bust!," was seen on I-80 traveling out of Des Moines and headed west at a high rate of speed.

GM Farley Pushover, now left with a staff of only three, refused to comment on the devastation left behind at J-97, and withdrew into a bottle of Sour Mash. He did agree to show us a note, supposedly from Kardashian, that said simply, "Gotta get down to Funkytown."

A competitor in metro Des Moines who asked not to be identified said, "If this guy Kardashian was a success in major markets, they must have had names like Kroger, Safeway, and Albertsons."

Jurassic jock amazingly works again

All The Excess! exclusive: Satellite radio veteran and once youthful dance music programmer Maxwell House has returned to the audio spectrum as one of the hosts on Internet station Radio Danz.

The reclusive and imbalanced House, original architect of XM Satellite Radio's Dance Hits BPM channel, will host the "Danz 20," a countdown show available to listeners at RadioDanz.com, Fridays at 6pm ET with an encore Sundays at 8pm ET. He's hopeful that a return to the microphone signals better days ahead.

"Since leaving XM I've been living in a flimsy cardboard box near New York's South Street Seaport with a couple of feral cats," House told us. "I'm hoping I can upgrade to a nice abandoned refrigerator carton now, and maybe get a used bicycle. PD Bernardo Passariello and the Radio Danz gang have been really nice to me, but it sure ain't Ryan Seacrest money."

The award-winning BPM was one of the few XM channels kept when two companies merged to become Sirius XM (direct competitor of MOFO Discount Satellite Radio, subject of many All The Excess! articles), but soon after the shotgun wedding, BPM was budget cut to a shadow of its former self. Refugees from BPM have been flocking to Radio Danz, says House, and more are likely to join, as Radio Danz expands on the original BPM programming formula.

After departing XM, House tried his hand as a music producer with modest success.

Though House's mental age is pre-teen, his physical age is a closely guarded secret. It is widely believed that his joining Radio Danz is a positive sign for career radio people approaching their twilight years. "Get that carbon-14 dating gear away from me," the curmudgeonly House barked to our inquisitive All The Excess! reporters. "If I had a lawn, I'd tell you to get off that, too."

Unabashedly blatant plug: Radio Danz is also available to iPhone owners who download the free Radio Danz application here.

Ennui assets showing up on Ebay

The latest attempts by Ennui Broadcasting to raise desperately-needed cash include offering everything from studio furniture to farm animals on the Internet auction site Ebay.

In recent months, Ennui has liquidated its broadcast interests in lucrative overseas markets like Latvia, Inertia, and Anemia. The company has also begun to rent out empty offices as studio apartments, right in its corporate headquarters in downtown Minneapolis.

A check of Ebay today showed that Ennui had funneled multiple HD radio receivers to the auction site, presumably at-cost purchases to which the company is entitled thanks to its membership in the HD Radio Rah Rah Association (HDRRRA).

In addition, there were Ennui-offered items that were actually accruing bids. Of particular interest was furniture from various Ennui stations' green rooms, supposedly made more valuable by celebrities who had (at least) sat on the items. Souvenir bullets from various violent skirmishes in front of Ennui properties were attracting four-figure bids at last check. And the daughter of Ennui CEO Jethro Bovine has reportedly put her 4-H calf up for bids to help her father's company survive.

According to Ebay criteria, Ennui rates as a "97% positive seller," which is in stark contrast with Ennui's credit ratings elsewhere.

When contacted by All The Excess!, a Bovine representative hinted at the next step beyond the Ebay strategy: "At Ennui we have our pride, but still we haven't ruled out on-air begging."

Stork droppings

Despite the foul, craptastic and odious economy, radio people continue to reproduce. The latest examples:

Urban WBTM (Bite Me 103)/Myrtle Beach, SC morning mouth Sal Manilla and his wife Maternia welcome their sixth child; a son, Thrilla (the Michael Jackson-themed baby names have begun), born June 26.

Fluffycloud Broadcasting's Chief Immolation Officer Gabe Librams welcomes his first grandchild, Tiramy Sue Doe, born out of wedlock to Librams' daughter Popeil on July 2. Congratulations to the proud parent!

MOFO Discount Satellite Radio's VP of Job Security Darlene B. Homesoon and her husband Whipped welcome bouncing baby girl Lolla Palootha Homesoon, who debuted on this planet July 7.

And at Conservative Talk KGUT/Issaquah, Washington, proud PD papa Rob Dignity is celebrating the arrival of a healthy heterosexual Caucasian biological child and instant United States citizen. Wife Argumentha endured nineteen hours of labor to deliver the oxymoronically named Dick Cheney Dignity on July 8th and 9th.

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™

The most expensive thing about this commercial for Fun With Radio, LLC's WWCD (CD101)/Columbus was probably getting all the logo decals together. And y'know, the comment at :20 is something we all catch ourselves saying at one time or another. Enjoy.

New HD portable: $50 and fashionable

The radio and fashion industries celebrated together yesterday as the first truly portable HD radio receiver was unveiled, complete with a fashionable accessory that's all the rage.

"You'll notice that they've disguised the once bulky antenna in the form of a trendy monocle," said famed designer Mr. Phyllis at the unveiling of the new receiver in New York. Internationally-known model Cyclops demonstrated the antenna/accessory, though she experienced a bit of trouble keeping her good eye precisely pointed toward a station transmitting a receivable HD signal.

The price of the receiver is just $49.99, "and you get what you pay for," said Gavin Lemmings, President of the HD Radio Rah Rah Association (HDRRRA). "If you suddenly found fifty bucks you didn't know you had, and you had a choice between taking the family out to dinner, throwing the money toward your rent or mortgage, or buying a portable radio with a monocle for an antenna, I think the choice is obvious."

Desperate for statehood, Guam sues Arbitron

"All the states seem to be doing it - we thought it might help our cause," said a spokesperson for Michael Cruz, M.D., Governor of the tiny island territory of Guam, regarding the admittedly frivolous lawsuit Guam filed against Arbitron Tuesday.

Guam has been wanting to be a full-fledged U.S. state for some time, reportedly so it can name a state flower and bird, and so the island can have a fighting chance in the Miss USA pageant.

On Tuesday, after Florida filed suit against Arbitron seeking to halt deployment of the Portable People Meter (PPM) in that state, other states' and territories' attorneys general began a networking process to decide who would go next. The U.S. Virgin Islands government admitted that they had "considered, but rejected" a plan to sue Arbitron, and Puerto Rico officials had no comment.

Oddly enough, most of the states and territories considering legal action against Arbitron do not have markets large enough to be designated for PPM, according to Arbitron's current roll-out schedule. "It's strictly a me-too thing," suggested Vice President Joe Biden, discovered by reporters as he left a Washington, DC area gentleman's club.

Erratic connectivity plagues All The Excess!

We're blaming North Korea and Iran, the "Excess of Evil," for a list of Internet problems as long as your arm. Or maybe Google. Anybody but ourselves.

(Or was it a denial of service attack orchestrated by someone we recently parodied? Hmmmmm.....)

OK, apparently Google took a particular server off line last Thursday or Friday. Normally that'd be invisible, but if certain settings aren't just so, or you have NTT/Verio hosting your domain (another possible blame target and certainly not recommended for your blogging needs!), you're hosed.

You may have tried to connect and received error messages that we had evaporated into millions of wayward bytes, never to torment Ryan Seacrest again. Well, we're still here.

After several days of snotty support emails and bitchy know-it-all bloggers haranguing us with "friendly advice" ("go back and read my blog again, you dumbshit mental defective") we believe we have everything scotch taped and glued back together. The difficulties you may have had connecting to All The Excess! should be behind us. Thank you for the kind of patience we'd like to have but can't seem to muster up.

Ryan Seacrest adds two full-time gigs; Total now 27

Aside from cutting his $45 million deal with Fox to continue on "American Idol," the ubiquitous Ryan Seacrest has reportedly added two new full-time jobs to his already busy schedule.

Seacrest will become the Hollywood-based entertainment correspondent for the English language version of Al Jazeera, beginning in August. In addition, he has already begun serving as the town of Santa Melanoma, California's city manager.

"I can't figure how unemployment can be upwards of nine per cent when I'm holding down twenty-seven full-time jobs," quipped Seacrest.

In addition to pay from the 27 known full-time gigs, Seacrest receives about $250 weekly from UCLA Medical School where he participates in an ongoing sleep deprivation study, plus he allegedly has undisclosed income from a part-time paper route.

KEEW/Portland still quiet - An update

On June 9, All The Excess! reported that Nurthcomm Soft AC KEEW/Portland was either off the air, or as the station claimed, "stunting with silence." More than one month later, the situation is the same.

Our reporters have been following the progress of KEEW through whatever transition it's going through...format change, sign-off, whatever. We have confirmed that there is no carrier on KEEW's 92.7 frequency, and that all KEEW staffers but one have been let go. The remaining employee is receptionist Amber "Moon Unit" Grainwaves, with whom we've become quite familiar. She is there to answer calls Monday through Friday, and insists to callers that the station is indeed still on the air.

Grainwaves offers a litany of reasons why nothing can be heard on 92.7 FM. Here are a few we've received as we've repeatedly called KEEW seeking an explanation for its silence:

June 15: "Y'know how all TV stations just went digital? So did we, so you need to buy a converter box."

June 18: "We're tracking a Shields and Yarnell album right now."

June 23: "We're HD radio now. Only people with HD radios can hear us. I've never seen one, myself, nor do I really know what HD radio is. I just tell you what I'm told."

July 3: "We're airing callers who have an opinion on the resignation of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin."

July 6: "It's still a holiday, damn it, and I only picked up the phone because I thought it might be my boyfriend."

July 10: "Today we're featuring the greatest public speeches given by President George W. Bush."

When we asked Amber Grainwaves what questions she gets most, she answered, "Mostly it's 'Why can't I hear your station?' After that it's 'I miss my morning 'EEW, when are they coming back?' and my favorite, 'Is your refrigerator running?' Then they answer 'Well you better go catch it.' It's hysterical!"

All The Excess! will continue to follow this bizarre developing story.

The new look of All The Excess!

Hoping to make All The Excess! easier on the eyes, our graphic designers have been working overtime to create the simple yet elegant new A.T.E.! look you see before you now. We've also branched out with new features like "Guest opinions" and "All The Employment!" recently, and more new additions are coming. The world's fastest growing and most unbelievable radio industry web site is getting more sofisticatid by the minute! Thanks for making us a part of your daily net surf - All The Excess!

Guest opinion: Johnny Van Suedanbitter

From time to time, All The Excess! will be featuring guest opinions from others with strong points of view about the state of the radio industry. The following is re-published from the blog "Insulting Media's Mediocrity" by Johnny Van Suedanbitter, one time radio guy, camp counselor, life coach, magazine editor, personal trainer, therapist, mobile DJ, and professional eulogy deliverer.

Every time I post to my blog, the same thing happens.

I have the same depressing thought.

It's over.

Yes, radio's done for. I can't say that enough.

We're done.

Finished.

Screwed.

We're f***ed.

I know first hand that kids today don't listen.

We lost them.

We told them to get off our lawn. They did.

They're not coming back.

I know consolidation sucks.

You know it too. I'm here to remind you.

I've got cute names for all the players. They all suck.

I'm telling you, we're doomed.

Constructive ideas - got any? I bet not.

I'm probably repeating myself, but maybe you haven't quite gotten the point yet.

We're dinosaurs. Over the hill.

The old days aren't coming back. It's futile.

Want to read something uplifting and positive? This ain't the place.
 

This is the place where one sentence equals a paragraph.

Occasionally less.

One word can be a sentence.

Sometimes.

The posts seem longer that way.

I guess they are longer.

Wish I had something new to write about. But I don't.

Still, it's gonna be a long post. Several screens worth.

So get ready to read what I just wrote again.

And again tomorrow.

Feel free to look in my archives, too. But it's the same.

It's over.

Radio's done for.

I wonder which I have more of - Zoloft tablets or lines per post?

Everything we've done is all for naught.

We wasted our lives.

Might as well just load up a revolver and hold it to your temple.

Ka-boom.

Or put your neck in a noose, stand on a chair, and jump off it.

Snap.

A razor blade to your wrists could work, but it's messy.

Yuck.

Right now I've got the car running and the garage door closed.

Fumes.

Getting a little sleepy.

Kinda like radio today. Zzzzzzz.

Gloom.

Consolidation killed us.

Doom.

New media's cool, but forget it, you're too late to that party.

Breathe in, breathe deep.

Getting dark now.

This shouldn't take long.

Two more lines and that should do it. Another post in the can.

See you again tomorrow.

And remember, keep smiling.

MJ vision inspires LA melee

Update on the Michael Jackson "visions" appearing on the Prophet screens at Grupo Sportivo's KKKA/Los Angeles: Crowds of people intent on glimpsing the video apparitions of Jacko increased until late into the night. At dawn this morning, LA police in riot gear began dispersing some of the massive throng.

"It's only right that a man whose career was made by MTV comes back to his fans in video form," one sobbing fan told us as she was escorted from the area by cops.

The possibility that the "visions" are actually Michael Jackson decals affixed to glass screens was also being investigated by police and local clergy. So far no one at KKKA is suspected of perpetrating a hoax, although this sentence probably changed all that.

Never seen in the same room

All The Employment!

All The Employment! is a regular All The Excess! feature, helping unemployed radio hosts find meaningful employment in the worst economy we've seen since "The Farmer's Daughter" was on prime time TV. This week....

Name: "Dave"
Last job: WJXR/Macclenny, Florida
Previously: WIUD/Inverness University of Duluth, Minnesota; Hardee's
Seeking: A job, any job
Cover letter text: Hi! I'm Dave, and as my All The Excess! audition I'm sending an example of how I can s-t-r-e-t-c-h a talk radio segment through those agonizing minutes we've all experienced when the phones are dead and no one is calling. Please listen and let me know if you've got room for my skillz. Love, "Dave."



Contact "Dave" through All The Excess! Put "audition #e8722e5j009" in your email to alltheemployment@alltheexcess.com and we'll get your job offer to "Dave" in a hurry.

Eerie MJ image burned into LA station's vid screens

Engineers and air staffers of Grupo Sportivo Regional Mexican KKKA/Los Angeles are reporting that an eerie image of a deified Michael Jackson is appearing on various video screens throughout the station.

Staffers began noticing the images on Tuesday, our source said. Initially, All The Excess! photographers had difficulty in reproducing the image digitally, but using special spectroscopic filters we finally have captured what the human eye is seeing:














Experts All The Excess! contacted can come up with no explanation, although one noted that KKKA's studios are very close to Staples Center, where the Jackson memorial was held on Tuesday, the first day the images were reported.

Word of the images' existence has leaked throughout Los Angeles, and throngs of people are crowding the immediate neighborhood of KKKA, disrupting traffic and giving local businesses cause for concern. Some KKKA staffers spent last night at the studios, fearing that they would not be allowed out of the building, or could not navigate the crowds to get back to work today.

"It's weird, wacky stuff," said KKKA GM Don de Luis Potosi. "I-yi-yi," added PD Juan O. Dosdes.

Name change rumor pumps Dixx stock

Dixx Communications (NASDAQ: DIX) saw a notable rise today as details of an impending name change hit the markets.

Shares of Dixx shot up 30% by the closing bell, and according to Dixx CEO Julius Naranjo, "It could be because we don't want to be Dixx any more."

Indeed, this week Dixx streamed a corporate video to employees announcing a contest to come up with a new name for the company, which was named after founder Holden Dixx in the early 1960s.

Fonda Dixx-Harder, daughter of Holden Dixx and current CFO told us, "In recent months we've tried The Dixx Group, Dixx Broadcasting, and Dixx Communications. I hate to admit it, but our mistake may have been refusing to let go of Dixx."

Of all radio company stocks, Dixx has been shafted the most since the beginning of the current recession. Analysts agree that the problem may be the seminal "Dixx" name. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one Wall Streeter told us, "To be a success, first they need to get their 'Dixx' out. Without removing the family name, Dixx won't grow."

All The Excess! will continue to follow the Dixx re-branding process, although the familiar radio broadcasting landscape just won't be the same without Dixx in it.

Two new challenges to Arbitron's PPM

Beleaguered ratings monster Arbitron is circling the lawyer wagons in response to a pair of new anti-Portable People Meter (PPM) challenges, All The Excess! learned today.

The PPM electronic audience measurement system is being assailed by the Bureau of Unlistenable Radio Programming (BURP), a faction made up of mainly brokered ethnic and travelers' information stations across the country. As BURP Chairman Douglas E. Fresch revealed to us yesterday, "We think we're being discriminated against just like the urban guys say they are. Our ratings are lower than we think they should be, and we'd rather see if Arbitron will give a little before we examine our own programming for potential tune-outs."

The second of Wednesday's announced PPM protests came from the estate of Shelby F. "Sheb" Wooley, the late actor and pop music artist. The estate's legal representative claims that the name "Portable People Meter" is too close in sound and rhythm to the title of Wooley's 1958 hit "Purple People Eater," and seeks $2.5 million in damages.

Arbitron legal counsel did not return our calls for comments, although laughter could be heard in the background when we were being told they were "out to lunch."

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™

This week's Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™ focuses frugally on WLKF/Lakeland, Florida's "Mayhem In The AM," a duo we believe survived the tragic Mourning Zoo cruise ship accident mentioned yesterday (story). If we're wrong and they didn't, we sincerely apologize for dredging this cheapie up so soon after their untimely passing.



Can any station in your market even afford to advertise on TV these days? Turn 'em in for the fun of it by emailing a Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™ suggestion to trstvsotw@alltheexcess.com.

And by the way, if you enjoyed this one, there are three months' worth of TRSTVSOTW's in the All The Excess! archives, findable by typing TRSTVSOTW in our search box!

MOFO board chief explains CEO's mega raise

The Chairman of the Board of MOFO (Multiple Offerings From Orbit) Satellite Radio, Moses M. Zwindle, has issued a press release to offer the reasoning behind granting MOFO CEO P.T. Burnem an incredibly lucrative contract extension.

Last week, to the dismay of many MOFO shareholders, the board signed Burnem for another five years as CEO with a $300,000 annual raise, boosting his yearly salary to $1.75 million. Burnem has presided over a company whose stock price has dipped by 12,000% in a year and still trades for less than the value of a postage stamp, in spite of the merger with Iridium Lite fifteen months ago, a move which Burnem claimed would spur MOFO to profitability.

The 71-page tome from Zwindle is highly technical, but All The Excess! has distilled it down to a few of the meatiest, most essential quotes.

Zwindle's Trek-like explanations defy Einstein's theories

"Quite simply, this makes sense because MOFO is in space, and you're not. Various laws of physics, finance, and common sense do not apply to MOFO, because we are not an Earth-bound corporation...

"MOFO physicists will tell you that the triangulation between the positions of MOFO's satellites, the C-7 Cygna Nebula, and the Kuiper Belt (beyond the orbit of Neptune) led to the creation of a tachyon inverse bypass inertia field which has enveloped the satellites, MOFO's Atlanta headquarters, and MOFO's senior staff, by way of reverse telemetry transmitted via monostitial beam to Earth from the MOFO satellites...in plain English, we've been transferred to an alternate universe where left is right, right is wrong, and wrong is acceptable...

"For instance, MOFO is in business to spend money, not make it. In our alternate universe, that is one of the universal laws of good business. We are quite successful when measured by the standards of our own realm...

"The stock price and company debt, as viewed from Earth's perspective, do indeed look grim. But please understand that a raise of any amount in our universe is punishment, not reward. We feel we have sufficiently punished Mr. Burnem for his transgressions against the Earth economy, when it may look to those outside our continuum that we have rewarded him. Such is not the case."

Burnem on holiday; MOFO birds affected by spin

Wealthy CEO Burnem was on a vacation cruise through the fjords of Norway and unavailable for comment. Our reporters were told to call back "sometime in October."

Spin from Zwindle's press release is believed to be the cause of the erratic orbits of MOFO's own highest-orbit satellites beginning early this morning. One has reportedly dropped off all tracking screens and is believed to have crashed near Billings, Montana. All The Excess! monitoring found that the hits kept on coming despite the accident, probably due to MOFO's extensive terrestrial repeater network, and at least in theory, intervention by benevolent aliens.

Wacky zoo cruise takes on more water than talent

We think CNN's Nancy Grace sums up this tragedy best. All The Excess! has nothing else to add, except to offer our condolences in loving memory of the survivors.

Facebook - A playground for the unemployed

...and All The Excess! is right there with you. Who will be our 200th Facebook friend*? Will he/she have hiring authority?

*There is no prize, you greedy bastard.

CCC unveils "Ultra Buffet" programming; networked from India

Cost Clipping Communications (CCC) today unveiled their long awaited response to the centralized programming and voicetracking championed by other major radio companies - CCC's "Ultra Buffet (buh-FAY)."

"Ultra Buffet is a 'more filling and tastes great' recipe designed by our corporate programming chefs to maximize and centralize talent with a minimum of local effort, freeing our local maitre d's (program directors) to concentrate on localizing the programming of the up to ten stations they each supervise," crowed CCC CEO F. B. Hynde in a horrific run-on sentence at a press conference held at CCC HQ in Sioux City, Iowa.

In response to a question about whether Ultra Buffet programming will be mandatory at CCC stations, the flamboyant Hynde responded, "The choice rests with the local maitre d'. He/she is free to choose from a menu of Ultra Buffet entrees that fit the flavor of the station, or choose career uncertainty up to and including possible unemployment."

Outsourcing bombshell

Asked whether centralization of Ultra Buffet programs would be on a regional or national scope, Hynde shocked the crowd by announcing it would be on an international level, coming from CCC's newly completed-in-secrecy outsourced voicetracking studio complex in Mumbai, India.

"We've learned a great lesson from our friends in the telemarketing industry and will be using the cost-effective talents of the wonderful people of the Indian subcontinent," Hynde exclaimed. "We've carefully selected talent who either already live in Mumbai or wish to make the move there at their own expense."

Continuing with the tedious food metaphors, the ever-expanding Hynde concluded the press conference by saying, "Ultra Buffet will truly be a gourmet audio cuisine of global proportions! Bon apetit!"

If we're not yet filtered by your IT department, keep your browser pointed to All The Excess! as we follow the roll-out of (and fallout from) Ultra Buffet, the newest initiative from radio's most massive undertakers, CCC!

All The Excess! for your iPhone is here!

Long rumored to be in development, the All The Excess! iPhone "application" can now be yours. Today is the official unveiling, so you can be among the first to reap the rewards!

Spruce up your smartypants-phone (or iPod Touch) with the All The Excess! logo, available for download absolutely free of charge here. Complete installation instructions are on the download page.

Now when you flash your cellular status symbol, they'll see that you get your radio dirt from the world's most trustworthy source...All The Excess!

"...Our flag was still there..."

Special holiday notice: The All The Excess! New York compound will close early on Friday for the holiday weekend. (And so we can jet off to Southern California and score some dirt at the big MJ going away party.) In fact, we wouldn't be here at all today if we hadn't totally farted off yesterday. And we may not show up on Monday either, because unless your Prophet system melts down or something, you won't have jack to report as news. So until we meet again, have a fab hot dog-eating, bottle rocket-lighting, North Korea missile-free Fourth of July. And remember, without the radio consolidation and cost-cutting that keeps All The Excess! so snarky, many of us wouldn't have the "independence" we have today!

Fire-crackin' promotion round-up

Count on All The Excess! to bring you the most innovative promotional ideas to help you win listeners and involve yourself in your community this Independence Day. Here's a quick listing of some of the best we've heard about:

Country KPYL (K-Pile 99.3)/Muletracks, Texas will host its seventh annual Chimichanga Eating Contest in conjunction with La Mielda restaurants. Flatulence from the event is said to power the yearly Muletracks Fourth of July Balloon Animal Parade.

Savannah is known for its July Humidity Festival, and CHR WWET (Lips 96) will broadcast live from the Soppin' Sweat T-Shirt Contest at the local Juggs franchise. Contestants are not allowed to add moisture to their clothing other than their own sweat in this aromatic competition, in which the winner gets an all-expenses paid August weekend in Houston.

At the other end of the thermometer, AC KFHT (Hot 93)/Fairbanks is airing its "Palin-triotic Fourth" promotion. Listeners are instructed to call when they hear the sound of Governor Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol being impregnated, and hourly winners progress to the grand prize drawing...a year of AC (air conditioning bills paid for 365 days) and a trip to the Palins' home town of Wasilla. Great way to tie in the inside industry name of the format and a summertime essential, making other promotions "Palin comparison!" (get it?)

Be safe with those M-80's at your Independence Day picnics, and to all of our flag waving readers this festive Fourth of July, keep it down out there, some of us are trying to sleep!

UPDATE: Little did KFHT know that their Palin promotion would be the oh-so-topical promotion of the day! Did they know something in advance??? The TV trucks are clustered outside their Fairbanks studios, but the news people are hard-pressed to interview the Prophet system whirring away behind the locked doors....

Happy anniversary to us!

We began our radio dirt-digging enterprise on April 2, 2009. So today marks three months, and we're taking the day off to be reunited with our long lost families who haven't seen us for weeks.

And they said All The Excess! would never last! With this work ethic, we may not...oh screw it.

MOFO just now getting to Jackson death story

Satcaster Multiple Offerings From Orbit (MOFO) Discount Satellite Radio, always voicetracked many days in advance, will begin acknowledging the death of King of Pop Michael Jackson this afternoon, sources say.

If all goes as planned, MOFO channels should begin reporting Jackson's untimely passing at 5:26pm ET, the time of day his death was announced officially last Thursday. Various channels will then "spontaneously" begin tribute programming, as if it was unscripted.

"There's too much that could go wrong with live programming," MOFO CEO P.T. Burnem told All The Excess! "That's why we record everything in advance...so we're always perfect."

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™

Yes, time once again for TRSTVSOTW, that unpronounceable acronym that means savings and value to radio marketers everywhere. You've no doubt seen previous TRSTVSOTW's copied nationwide, for these are examples of incredible television advertising done on a shoestring budget, giving radio stations dazzling yet inexpensive exposure on another similarly withering medium!

In this week's example, we trek to Oregon to find an entire cluster of stations splitting the budget mini-pie into tiny slivers. And it must be terrific to be one of the non-radio sponsors of this event who each get 0.005 seconds of this commercial. You may not retain a single thing you see, but hey, these guys were on TV!

If you've ever seen one of those 10K race T-shirts that's polka-dotted with more sponsor logos than there are race participants, then consider this the TV commercial version of that. Our Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™ award goes not to just one station, but the entire Cumulus cluster in Eugene. Enjoy!



Have you seen a great example of a TV commercial for a radio station that couldn't have cost more than about twenty bucks to make? Nominate a TRSTVSOTW! Email trstvsotw@alltheexcess.com. Prize? Who are you kidding? Check your greed at the door, pal!