All The Excess! Weekend Topic

Our "weekend topics" are intended to make you think about the unanswered questions of the universe. Heavy, right? Here's one to ponder:

Will they imprison Phil Spector behind "walls of sound?"

Discuss.

Jingle company touts successful new product

Considering today's craptastic economy, one would expect jingle companies' business to be slow. However, SASSY (Starving Artists Singing Songs for You) Jingles of West Covina, CA reports that sales are brisk for this track:



SASSY will customize with the name of your company and/or station call letters if you wish. Reach them at 310-555-SASS or email opportunists@sassyjingleartistsltd.com.

Promotions at Frugal$tar

Frugalstar has promoted two executives to newly-created positions at the national level, reporting directly to CEO U. G. Tonto.

In a company-wide memo today, Tonto announced that Frugalstar VP/Web Design and Workplace Sanitization Chet R. Jeez will assume the role of Executive VP in charge of Market Specific Homogenization. Jeez will be in charge of maintaining Frugalstar's national network consistency while tailoring individual shows to the community and neighborhood level.

Jeez, an expert in regional accents and dialects, will "show our talent how to be southern without being too southern, for example," the memo said. "We don't want our listeners in Minneapolis to be turned off by a southern accent, but we don't want to hire any people to actually broadcast from Minneapolis either. Hopefully Chet will help us strike a balance."

Frugalstar's other appointment today saw VP of Seminar and Retreat Scheduling Horace Race rise to Executive VP of Global Hometown Information. Race will work specifically with Frugalstar's three centralized info hubs in covering folksy neighborhood news events from a macro, worldwide perspective.

In other Frugalstar news, VP of Doublespeak Management Demitrius Contradictus has exited, citing philosophical differences.

Scientist links climate change to MOFO

A leading German scientist alleges that Multiple Offerings From Orbit (MOFO) Discount Satellite Radio may be the prime catalyst in a climate cataclysm.

Dr. Helmut Hedwig, writing in the Zeitschrift der Wissenschaft und Theorie (Journal of Science and Theory), claims that MOFO is responsible for a major change in the tilt of the earth's axis.

All The Excess! took our best shot at translating the scientist's text: "Spin, the type generated by the relentless MOFO press release jihad, is the culprit. It's enough to skew the planet's axis and thus alter the distance of each hemisphere from the sun at different times of the year. Though the alteration in axis tilt is slight, it doesn't take much to make winters colder and summers hotter. It is my belief that the incessant spin emanating from MOFO headquarters is sufficient to really (screw things up)."

Excessive spin is also likely the cause of the disappearance of four MOFO employees just last week (see related story here).

The technical department at MOFO has not responded to our repeated requests for comment.

It's HD Radio's triumphant (?) week

This week's announcement that an HD Radio receiver would be included in Microsoft's next-generation Zune player leaves little doubt as to HD Radio's market inertia. (NOTE: All The Excess! is still trying to locate anyone who owns a Zune.)

In what should be a similarly successful boost, Ford is reportedly ready to announce a re-introduction of the Edsel line, with HD Radio as standard equipment.

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week™

Here's our thirty seconds of thrift for this week - the TV commercial for Juneau, Alaska's lib-talk station KXLJ. Never let it be said that Alaska isn't home to some downright beautiful people...and we're betting that they waived their normally hefty modeling fees to help KXLJ bring this masterpiece in under budget.

Clouseau catastrophes continue at Arbitron

Following a developing story that began over the holiday weekend, All The Excess! has learned that indeed it was Inspector Jacques Clouseau who attempted to break into Arbitron headquarters dressed as a female sanitation engineer.

Clouseau, the world-famous detective who is heading up the FCC's investigation into the Portable People Meter (PPM) ratings system, claims Sunday's alleged attempted burglary was a "test of Arbitron's security." Known as a master of disguise in his native France, Clouseau was apparently instantly recognized by private guards and turned over to local police, who questioned him and released him on bail.

Arbitron spokesperson Condoleezza Roni said, "He has full access to everything and has no reason to force entry into our building. We're cooperating fully with the FCC's investigation, but this guy is a royal pain in the ass. He's the clumsiest person I've ever seen, and even though he speaks English, we can only understand about half of what he says. We're asking the FCC to reconsider his assignment to this project."

Calls to the FCC were not returned, but insiders say that the commission stands behind its decision to outsource the investigation to French authorities, even though Clouseau-related incidents continue to mar the inquiry.

Light urges students to get a grip

Speaking to the graduating class of the University of Northern Delaware on Saturday, former Fortress Communications executive Trudy Light had words of wisdom for broadcasting students there.

"To all graduates, best of luck, and for you underclassmen who are still studying radio-TV communications, it's not too late to think about bailing and changing your major," Light advised. "Hate to say it, but your parents may have been right."

Seacrest out!(-fit)

Talk about innovation! With Ryan Seacrest on just about everywhere at any time of day, you probably think it's impossible to sign him up for personal appearances, right? Not so, with this newly available lifelike Ryan Seacrest mascot costume!

The person inside sees through two tiny eye holes in Ryan's upper lip. And for a slightly higher cost, the head comes with recorded Seacrest greetings and playback unit for extra authenticity.

Interior of costume guaranteed sanitary for the first six hours of use. Consult your local syndication specialist for price and availability in your market.

Break-in news: Arbitron violated

Sources tell All The Excess! that Arbitron's main operations center in Columbia, Maryland was the scene of an attempted burglary early this morning.

According to the story, Arbitron security officers apprehended a man dressed as a female janitorial engineer at about 4:30am local time. Local police have entered the investigation and have this person of interest in custody.

A spokesperson for Arbitron assured us that nothing vital had been taken or vandalized at the headquarters of the ratings company, and promised full disclosure of the burglary details on the next business day (Tuesday). Details here on All The Excess! as soon as we receive them.

UPDATE, 5/25/09: It appears that the culprit is Inspector Jacques Clouseau (see related story above).

All The Excess! cleans the inbox

Before we hit the door for a long slacker weekend, here's a quick summary of recent events in our show-bizzy biz. None rate a full-on article, but somebody would be pissed if we didn't mention this stuff at all.

TROOPS FEND OFF SMOOTH JAZZ VIGILANTES
The National Guard has been called to defend Smooth Jazz KWMP/Shreveport against angry lynch mobs responding to rumors that the station may change format soon. "Take away their place to relax, and these people are damned uptight," says GM Flip Cavalier.

KILLER FILLER ON MOFO
Special programming abounds on this holiday weekend. MOFO Discount Satellite Radio is offering several holiday-only channels, including The I'm Lonely and Haven't Been Invited Anywhere Channel, The No-Speedo Channel, where listeners can call in and report people they feel shouldn't be wearing the skimpy swimsuits, and guest DJ Falco guides listeners through "Your Favorite Memorial Day Euro Novelty Hits, Part 1 1980-1985" on the MOFO Outrageous 80s channel.

NUN WANNABE BAILS ON KMUD
The winner of KMUD/San Antonio's Rock Babe '09 pageant, "Lustful" Lu Ann Largenchest announces that, with seven months left in her term, she is abdicating the Rock Babe throne to join a convent. A very inconvenienced KMUD PD Luke Poole-Filter is scrambling to find a replacement. "I'm looking for a people person...someone who loves people," Poole-Filter told us.

Holiday weekend fun time!

This can be a fun game for the kids on road trips this weekend, or for kids of any age, really!

The letters in "Ryan Seacrest" can make an amazing number of words when re-arranged. We'll get you started with a few, then you see how many you can come up with.

Happy Memorial Day from All The Excess!


GAME RULES:
Use all the letters in R-Y-A-N-S-E-A-C-R-E-S-T to make words like

• trance ass rye
• nectars as rye
  
• acne stars rye
  
• carny teasers
  
• satan cry seer
  
• a starry scene
  
• acne ass terry
  
• a scare sentry
  
• carneys stare
  
• creates yarns
  
• nasty careers
• necessary rat
  

Derf Kimbrough's Inspiration

To help you understand some of today's top stories, here's a bit of history on All The Excess! Present day Boniva spokesperson Sally Field accepts the Best Actress Oscar for her role in "Places In The Heart," 1985.

More Kimbrough rehab fallout, one week later

A doctor who has examined conservative radio talk show host Derf Kimbrough during his first week in rehab says his Boniva addiction is very real indeed.

The allegedly reputable Dr. Sanjit Thibodeaux saw Kimbrough this week and now scoffs at those who think his rehab stay is a sympathy ploy. "The man is practically made of calcium at this point. In fact, if he cut himself shaving, he'd probably bleed milk." Kimbrough's rehab stay is likely to last at least one month, Thibodeaux offered.

This contrasts with a public statement made by actress Sally Field, spokesperson for Boniva, who says addiction to the osteoporosis drug is not possible. Kimbrough claims to have binged on Boniva for ratings purposes, to get his audience to like him, really like him, a la Field's famous Oscar speech.

Field also had some choice words for the gathered press: "You guys can lighten up on the like-me-you-really-like-me jokes. I mean, it's been years now. I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather hear ten Flying Nun jokes any day than another 'you like me, you really like me.' Look," she told the group, "why harp on that when I have an entire career to make fun of?"

New Arbitron drama involves Clouseau

An Arbitron employee was treated and released at a Maryland hospital after being mistakenly attacked this morning by Inspector Jacques Clouseau, witnesses say.

Clouseau, visiting the ratings company at the FCC's request to investigate the Portable People Meter ratings tool, claims he acted in self defense when he perceived that Arbitron's Mary Lou Germophobe was trying to poison him.

Witnesses say that Germophobe was offering Clouseau a cup of coffee when suddenly the French detective launched into a martial arts free-for-all which left the Arbitron employee bloodied and stunned. Clouseau has apologized for the outburst, blaming poor eyesight for triggering his razor-sharp combat instincts.

After counseling, Germophobe declined to press charges.

OK, so Kris won...

Apparently we are remiss in not making this a breaking news bulletin last night, according to All The Excess! reader Velda Vida of Florence, Colorado. Velda wrote to chastise us for including nothing about the new American Idol winner on our site. So here's a picture of non-threatening teenage girl heart throb and the nation's newest cuddle bug, Kris Allen.

We're sorry, Velda...you see, to us, American Idol is solely a showcase for the multiple talents of America's most ubiquitous radio voicetracker, Ryan Seacrest. We tend to forget there's a competition going on. Please accept our apology.

NEXT.

Pompous packs it in; prepares new project

Stensfraud Pompous, longtime PD of Maladroit Media AC KTCH (K-Itch 95)/San Jose, is leaving to begin a different kind of research company.

The departing 20-year company veteran says, "We'll put the proverbial cart before the horse. You make the decisions you want to make, and we'll come up with the facts and figures to back you up." The firm will strictly aid in format changes, he said. Involvement ends no later than two weeks after a new format is on the air.

He detailed the process the new company, Exhaustive Market Research, will follow: "We'll help you shop on the D.L. for an inexpensive, off-the-shelf, turnkey format of your choice. Then, we'll collaborate to develop a questionnaire designed to get the answers you want. When that's been fielded, we crunch numbers and come to your station with PowerPoint at the ready to justify the format-in-a-can you purchased in front of whoever needs convincing."

Pompous says the company has already worked on a stealth major market project which just ended this week, and has signed deals for half a dozen more to be completed before June 30. "With EMR it'll look like you knew what you were doing all along," he boasted.

Spin flings four from MOFO HQ

Multiple Offerings From Orbit (MOFO) Discount Satellite Radio lost another four employees Wednesday in a spin accident, All The Excess! has learned. The four were "nobody you ever heard of," according to a MOFO spokesperson.

Witnesses say the four were in the wrong place at the wrong time and MOFO spin simply flung them from the downtown Atlanta MOFO headquarters.

"People have got to learn not to stand near windows or open doors when they know that a big press release is coming out," the spokesperson said. "That spin is a killer."

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week

Thanks to Virma Stopclutch of Adenoid, MI for nominating this WQLR/Kalamazoo commercial for TRSTVSOTW. See and hear the savings!

Clouseau accident delays NYC PPM numbers

Arriving at Arbitron headquarters to begin his investigation into the Portable People Meter (PPM), Inspector Jacques Clouseau apparently tripped and fell into sensitive equipment, thereby causing errors in the New York PPM ratings that were to have been released Wednesday.

The New York PPM numbers will be delayed a week. Clouseau's injuries are said to be "manageable," according to his handlers.

KKSF/San Francisco becomes "The Band"

Fearing irreparable buzz kill, we transport you off this site to see our opinions on this very real format change. It's because sincerity just doesn't work in the A.T.E.! environment, and this time we're truly sincere. Click here for proof.

Dorque to program CKOW

Country sign-on CKOW/Vancouver, B.C. has named KDWD (Doublewide 103)/Omaha OM Major Dorque to be its first PD, effective June 1.

CKOW owner/GM Harlan Thurg commented, "We're delighted to be able to lure a consummate professional like Major Dorque to program Vancouver's newest FM. We're certain that his boundless creativity and friendly demeanor will be a stylish way to begin what we hope will be many years dominating the Country market in Vancouver."

Dorque told All The Excess!: "I can't wait to get out of this festering hell hole, KDWD, and this sewer of a town, Omaha. I've lived in some stinking cesspools in my day, but none like this armpit. Plus the staff here is hopelessly clueless and the facility is a total toilet, and the GM and I haven't seen eye-to-eye since we discovered we're screwing the same sales assistant. (KDWD owner) Demonoid Broadcasting can just lick my a--. Thank god this gig at CKOW opened up!"

Radio on an all time high

The National Institute of Standards and Technology has announced that they're entering the commercial radio syndication business with the launch of the all time WWV Radio Network.

WWV, until now a shortwave only radio station which broadcasts the time of day, will be fed to affiliates across America from its home base in Fort Collins, Colorado. Affiliate stations will have the ability to customize the time announcements to their own time zone and sell a fixed number of local spots.

WWV PD Armand Bulova said, "How many times have you heard someone say, 'I just wish I had more time'? Well the WWV Radio Network will solve all of that." Bulova stated that WWV's target audience would be anyone who doesn't wear a watch or carry a cell phone.

A great idea for your HD2 channel or AM albatross

"Employers will love us because it'll take care of the clock watchers in the office. And our soothing time tones are carefully chosen to be ones everyone at work can agree on. Plus this is the perfect solution for operators who have teapot AM signals or those pesky HD2 channels that no one seems to know what to do with."

Asked whether he thought time checks alone could sustain a radio station, and whether the expressed target audience numbered enough people to be successful, Bulova quipped that "Jocks give the time once or even twice a break now. Why would they do that if listeners don't need to know the time?"

MOFO riled by tell-all book

EXCLUSIVE (We got this one before Oprah!): Executives at Multiple Offerings From Orbit (MOFO) Discount Satellite Radio are reportedly upset by the publication of a tell-all book written by a woman who worked in a MOFO call center.

"The Things I Did...To Keep Subscribers" is the title of Jolene Longskank's memoir. In it she details favors she performed to carry out what she says were company directives. "We were told not to let anyone cancel a subscription, no matter what it took," the author told All The Excess!

The favors Longskank details range from washing subscribers' automobiles and light housework to full-scale week-long sex romps. In the book she claims that she was but one of many call center workers expected to perform "creative acts of kindness" to keep customers on the MOFO subscriber rolls.

MOFO executives refused comment, but are considering legal action against Longskank, sources say.

BREAKING: Clouseau to command PPM inquiry

As predicted here over a month ago, Inspector Jacques Clouseau is reportedly on his way to America to conduct the FCC's investigation into Arbitron's PPM and its impact on minority broadcasters.

When All The Excess! contacted the French Surete, Clouseau's employer, we were told that Clouseau was indeed bound for the states but had boarded an incorrect flight in Paris. His arrival in Washington, DC will thus be somewhat delayed.

All The Excess! will continue to stay on top of this developing story!

Poppycock, balderdash, and hooey

Professional expert witness Dr. Felix Quackenbush says that Derf Kimbrough's supposed Boniva addiction is "poppycock," All The Excess! has learned. Quackenbush says that any notion that Boniva is an addictive drug is "balderdash."

Much speculation has arisen regarding whether Kimbrough's rehab is real or an elaborate stunt to generate sympathy. (See Friday's story here.)

Quackenbush told All The Excess! in an exclusive interview that the hardening of organs Kimbrough describes is impossible. "It's a lot of hooey. Maybe when pigs fly," he barked.

Kimbrough's attorneys declined to return our phone calls. Meanwhile, today's Kimbrough guest host, actor John Travolta, led the nationwide audience in a meditation for Derf Kimbrough and sang "We Shall Overcome" a cappella, dedicating it to the beleagured talk show host.

Apologies to Ennui

All The Excess! wishes to apologize to Ennui Broadcasting for publishing a rumor that the company had pink-slipped 135 employees under the cover of the Derf Kimbrough rehab hubbub. The story proved to be unfounded, and we have severely punished the A.T.E.! reporter who submitted the item.

Meanwhile, 135 management level Ennui employees were ordered to take a ten per cent pay cut on Friday, which may have led to the exaggerated rumor.

All The Excess! hears that Ennui managers have developed a company-wide game to help recover some of the losses from recent pay cuts. A football pool-type grid is passed throughout the company, and employees buy squares containing numbers. The employee with the square that has the number corresponding to Ennui's percentage of revenue decline that month wins the pool. To break any ties, employees must correctly guess the number of times the word "challenging" is used by Ennui execs in describing current economic conditions to the press.

Station bargains with FCC over fine

Saying that his station can't afford a $2000 fine for tower light violations, KISH/Bovine Pasture, Kansas GM Rocky Giavyna (juh-VY-nah) is negotiating to give the FCC a package of traded items instead.

Local merchants have donated goods and services to support KISH, Giavyna claims. As a result he is able to provide the FCC with a year's worth of twilight movie passes to the Bovine 3 Cinemas, $200 worth of groceries from Jiggly Piggy Market, a baker's dozen of free massages from Madame Hsu's Finger and Palm Hut, five free movie rentals from LoTek Video of Bovine Pasture, and an elegant candlelight dinner for four at Applebee's Express.

In addition, the FCC will have right of first refusal to qualify as the tenth caller in six future KISH giveaway contests, with prizes to be determined later, according to Giavyna's proposal. "All in all it's a $3500 value for a $2000 fine," he crowed. "How can they walk away?"

Critics say the trade deal sets a dangerous precedent, but the FCC commissioners are reportedly intrigued by the unique offer. One unidentified commissioner has said that if the number of free movie rentals can be doubled, there is a 90% chance the FCC will accept Giavyna's package, sources tell All The Excess!

New! Site search

No longer does locating something on this site have to be as hard as finding a haystack big enough to hold a ridiculously large needle (left). Now the All The Excess! archives are searchable. Just type your query into the box on the right hand side labeled "search all the excess!" A handy tool for you and for those corporate legal weasels who try to nail us daily!

A matter of style

When writing All The Excess!, remember that the exclamation point is just as much a part of our trademark as any of the twelve letters are.

Had Ryan Seacrest's lawyers paid attention to this, we might be taking their letters much more seriously than we are. Just a word to the wise.

All The Excess! Weekend Topic

Derf Kimbrough's Boniva binge - legitimate health concern? Or transparent sympathy generator?

Discuss.

BREAKING NEWS: Sneaky Ennui!

Quick-acting Ennui Broadcasting has reportedly reacted to the Derf Kimbrough buzz by using it as a diversion while they pink-slipped 135 employees nationwide, including all of their individual market managers. Developing.

Kimbrough rehab spawns controversy

Radio talker Derf Kimbrough's rehab (see related story) has ignited controversy throughout the radio industry, and all over the world.

Washington's most outspoken figures even chimed in. "I had no idea he was getting hard while I listened to him," remarked Vice President Joe Biden at an afternoon meeting of the Senate committee investigating needless public alarm.

"Publicity stunt. Has to be," snorted Mary G. Quality of the left-leaning Kum-Bah-Yah talk network, echoing the sentiments of many liberals.

Indeed, one of Kimbrough's most recent PR attempts backfired when he tried to support fellow righty ranter Michael Savage (who has been banned from entering England) by urging Americans to avoid delicious British food. "He's trying to make good after that 'boycott bangers' disaster," groaned Ms. Quality.

In our nation's heartland, a giant get well card for Kimbrough was already available for signing at the Mall of America in Minnesota. Meanwhile in liberal Berkeley, California, city offices allowed employees to go home early to celebrate with their non-conventional families.

Shocker! Kimbrough boned; enters rehab

Headline-hogging radio talk show giant Derf Kimbrough is once again making news, this time for admitting a chemical dependence and entering rehab.

After his Friday show, Kimbrough held a news conference outside his New York flagship station, WGNT (Wingnut 860). All Fox networks were present to broadcast Kimbrough's remarks to a stunned world.

"The time has come to admit that I have a problem. I'm addicted to Boniva. There, I said it," Kimbrough read from a prepared statement. Boniva is the once-a-month pill normally prescribed to women for osteoporosis, and endorsed in television ads by actress Sally Field.

"I did it for my ratings," Kimbrough continued, "because I thought taking lots of Boniva would make people like me...really like me."

Instead, Kimbrough's doctors claim, the Boniva abuse has caused a dangerous hardening of many of his softer organs. Apparently when others at WGNT and syndicator TalkRight Networks noticed odd protrusions from Kimbrough's body, they intervened.

Wingnuts waiting in the...wings

TalkRight VP/Operations E. Bruce Grimes expressed support: "We know Derf will conquer this issue with the same vigor he uses to smear the Obama administration like graffiti paint on subway walls. We have no doubt that soon his organs will again be plump and rubbery, and we will welcome him back with open arms." Kimbrough's national show will feature multiple arch-conservative guest hosts during the host's rehab, according to Grimes.

America's five left-leaning radio talk show hosts were reportedly having a field day with the news, though they were drowned out by the hundreds of right-wing hosts who rallied behind Kimbrough. Other statements began to filter in from all corners of the globe, including one from Comedy Central personality Jon Stewart expressing regret that he does not tape a Friday show.

Acme Radio announces innovative "Project X"

Consulting firm Acme Radio is touting a revolutionary music research innovation named "Project X," and offering it to stations on a one-per-market basis.

Acme President Tony Caligula calls Project X "the first truly new song testing methodology introduced in this century." While keeping the inner workings of the system close to his vest, Caligula shared the basics of his research idea with All The Excess!

"We usually rent an unused space in a shopping mall for the study. Respondents are recruited via signs in the mall. Once inside our space, they're given a finite number of credits, represented by slips of paper. Then the respondents are allowed to wander through the space sampling MP3 sound files of music the station wants to test.

"When a respondent likes a selection and wants to hear the whole song, he asks one of our staff to give him a small disc, which represents the sound file. At the end of the test, the respondent can trade his credits for discs, but cannot go over the credit limit. The discs chosen are then matched up with the corresponding sound files. At the end, the station receives a list of the most popular songs in rank order."

Trading something valuable for music

Caligula says most respondents react positively to having a physical space to go to and sample music, rather than finding it on their computers. The real roadblock, Caligula says, is introducing the idea of trading something of value for each song, but "in general, the people are pretty open-minded," he says.

"Each disc is like a vote for a song. Project X is a lot like a general election, just without the usual fraud."

CCC is the first major operator to sign up for the Project X service, which will be used at all of its "Lips FM" branded stations.

MAINSTREAM MEDIA MIRRORS A.T.E.!

OPINION: The hard-hitting investigative reporting of All The Excess! has apparently caught the attention of Rupert Murdoch's New York Post, as seen in this graphic.

Regular All The Excess! visitors will no doubt notice the similarity of style, bordering on plagiarism and blatant copyright infringement.

A.T.E.! stands firm and is proud to be the industry leader in radio muckraking and the unquestioned standard-bearer of cynicism!

We can state it as fact: Imitation IS the sincerest form of flattery!

Humbled,

The All The Excess! staff

VT/Syndication royalty proposed in Congress

Representative Druid Smarmy (R-Montana) has introduced legislation in Congress that would impose a fee on radio stations that utilize out-of-market talent and/or syndicated programming.

The Voicetrack and Syndication Royalty would effectively eliminate any cost savings derived from such practices. A station's yearly tariff, payable directly to the U.S. treasury, would be equal to the market-average salary amounts of local talent displaced by national and regional voices.

Rep. Smarmy says the intention of the legislation is not necessarily to save jobs in the radio industry, but rather to wipe out the astronomical national debt overnight.

Major broadcasting groups are expected to mount a vehement challenge to the bill. In what could be a related manner, Smarmy has received death threats believed to be from corporate radio executives, syndicated hosts, and/or Ryan Seacrest's fan club.

Survey: 96% of HD radio owners are radio people

A survey conducted by Einstein Research shows that there's a 96% likelihood that the owner of an HD radio works in the radio industry. Other findings of the survey:

Sixty-seven per cent of HD radio owners say that if they were stranded on a desert island, hell no they wouldn't take an HD radio.

Thirty three percent responded that their HD radios are still in the box, they think.

Forty-two per cent have an HD radio around somewhere but can't remember which closet it's in.

13% have converted their HD radios into attractive planters.

31% of HD radio owners said they don't plan to subscribe when the 90-day trial is up.

Only one respondent in the survey knew that HD stands for "hybrid digital," with other popular answers being "Hell's demon" (28%) and "Heinous death" (12%).

The HD Radio Rah-Rah Association is reportedly re-evaluating its massive on-air spot schedules in the wake of this research, and is rumored to be in talks with actress Kathy Garver (Cissy on "Family Affair") to be HD radio's celebrity spokesperson. Sources say the HDRRRA expects exponential increases in HD receiver sales, thanks to Garver's timeless star power and a compelling new slogan: "HD Radio - Radio a Cissy can love."

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week

Awww, KSTR/Montrose-Grand Junction, Colorado apparently pulled their "Rock Jam" commercial off YouTube...they must have known that they had a real candidate for Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot Of The Week. We'll post it the moment it re-appears...if it does. (The mention is probably enough of an honor anyway.) Suffice it to say that, in the opinion of the judges, they made a station with a Grand Junction sized budget really look like a station with a Grand Junction sized budget.

So with our first choice pulled out from under us, we resort to a classic, from some station on 98.3 called "The Mix." That narrows it down to about 200, right? After many, many watchings and expensive computer simulations, we've deduced that all the people you see are actually morning team Karl and Googie in disguise, except for Ahmed...he's such a handful!



Nominate a Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week by emailing TRSTVSOTW@alltheexcess.com. If your nomination is selected for publication, we'll send you an envelope with our breath in it.

"Where the newswatch stops once in a while"

For the second time in two weeks, All The Excess! had a weekday with NO POSTS (yesterday). In addition to forgiving our stupidity for pointing that out, please forgive us for the lack of "news." Our excuse: We were traveling. How can our entire staff travel at once? It's a small staff! We like to call it "Clear Channel Sized." And in case you're wondering, this counts as a post for Wednesday. We could be jet lagged.

We promise not to travel again for quite a while. And yes, we had fun.

A.T.E.! Situations Wanted highlights

Here's a check on who's been severed...a look at who's looking...a digest of the All The Excess! "Situations Wanted" section.

Hooter Kneader, recently released 27-year morning man at country WHYK/Chattanooga, is searching for a station where he can spend the next 27 years. When your howls of laughter subside, email hkneader@aqua.net

The supposedly versatile Wanda "Dirty" Sanchez, former love songs hostess for WWMN/Dayton and extremely rare fill-in for the nationally syndicated Tallulah show, seeks to segue to afternoons on a hard rock station somewhere in Arizona, preferably Yuma, and preferably below 96 on the dial. Please email only if you can meet her very specific criteria: wanda@employmentimpossible.net.

It wasn't a budget cut, but a felony conviction that took Hannibal Selector away from WTF (now WTFW)/Philadelphia 57 years ago. Now he's ready to re-enter the work force. "I'm still as hep as ever," Selector says, and his recently minted email address proves he's up with the times: 23skidoo@halfwayhouse.com.

Thrown to the wolves after the recent bloodbath at KURP/Gastric Junction, Idaho, former afternooner Bogey Putt is ready for more inhuman abuse at the hands of his next fly-by-night employer. He says he's willing to accept part-time, fill-in, or, as a last resort, a commission-only sales position. Email the optimistic Putt at bogeyp@desperationcentral.com.

Recently sh*t-canned overnighter Squall Flurry of KTWT/Broken Pelvis, California seeks an off-air assistant music director position in another tiny ski hamlet hundreds of miles from the nearest major market. Reach him at ambitious1@yodel.net.

Good hunting to these and other down-on-their-luck ne'er-do-wells from all of us at All The Excess!

Weekend topic: Spittin' Image?

Is American Idol host and frequent All The Excess! whipping boy Ryan Seacrest going more and more for the Mormon missionary look? Or did we just do too much LDS in the seventies?


Discuss.

Boney end to Boston Smooth Jazz

When James and Priscilla Boney retired to Tucson, Arizona, they had no idea they'd be killing Boston's smooth jazz radio station in the process.

The Boneys were one of Boston's first Arbitron PPM households, and concurrent with their move to Tucson in March, Boston's smooth jazz WDLL (Dull 98) dropped from a 3.0 share to zero 6+. WDLL announced plans to go dark Thursday.

The staff of WDLL, locally owned by Tuffguy Broadcasting, is in shock over the station's apparent demise. "The Boneys were at all of our promotions, and we'll miss them terribly," said outgoing PD Al Covers.

James Boney told All The Excess!, "We miss having smooth jazz here in Tucson, but Boston doesn't have Whataburgers either. Fair trade."

Scientist: Sheer spin will slay satellite radio

Forget the economic downturn and auto makers' woes, it's the laws of physics that will kill satellite radio, a leading scientist claims.

Former MTV VJ turned nuclear physicist Dr. Nina Blackwood, PhD., speaking before the National Council on Already Eclipsed Technologies, told the crowd of scientists that sheer centrifugal force is the biggest enemy of satellite radio companies such as Multiple Offerings From Orbit (MOFO).

"The spin coming from the public relations department is having a tremendously negative effect," Blackwood cooed as the leering eggheads stared in rapt attention. "The centrifugal force from that spin is enough to increase the weight of the MOFO's by thousands of pounds. Once MOFO's show up for work and experience the effects of the spin, their bodies flatten like soft, flabby, and extremely heavy orbs and may spontaneously explode."

Alarming as it may sound, the spin has been going on for years, Blackwood claims. "I suspect that the downsizing we saw recently may have actually been MOFO's expiring from the cumulative physical stress of all the PR spin. I mean, how many of those MOFO's have you seen getting new jobs? They're just disappearing," she huffed. "The MOFO's are probably blowin' up real good."

MOFO PR execs scoffed at Blackwood's claims and responded that they have no plans to introduce spin control, since they believe it is that spin that has kept the MOFO's alive for this long.

Indecency complaint against Christian station

Christian KJBS (90.1 Jeebus FM)/Tulsa has been named in an indecency complaint filed with the FCC, All The Excess! has learned.

The complaint alleges that on April 29, the results of a station-sponsored wet T-shirt contest the previous night were discussed graphically on the KJBS morning show.

Bible story demo or sleazy bourgeois bar game?

KJBS PD Pontius Copilot gave us his version of events: "Attendance at our non-alcoholic bar nights had been suffering, so the cast of our Jeebus FM Morning Ark decided to spice things up with a turning-water-into-wine re-enactment. Some of the liquid apparently spilled onto the clothing of some club patrons, and when the Ark described this to our audience the next morning, some old biddy got her panties in a wad." He added that the station has taken no disciplinary action against staffers.

Meanwhile, KJBS legal counsel Judas Law told All The Excess! that the complaint was "a pissy-ass stinkin' lie" and that the listener who turned KJBS in "will burn in the fires of hell."

A tape of the morning team's bit obtained by All The Excess! indeed reveals vivid descriptions of body parts made considerably more visible by the dampness of the participants' clothing. Our calls to the old biddy were not returned.

BREAKING: Open letter to industry sent back

All The Excess! has learned that an open letter to the radio industry from Clear Channel's John Hogan has been returned to the sender due to insufficient postage. When contacted, a Clear Channel spokesperson refused to acknowledge the existence of said letter.

They're leaving radio - and it's THEIR IDEA!

Enough talk about layoffs! All The Excess! shifts focus to those leaving the radio business voluntarily. The following people are not waiting for the axe to fall, and have wisely lined up jobs in completely different industries:

WMPR (Whimper 100)/Macon, GA PM driver Zak Attack crosses the street to Watkins Heating and Air Conditioning of Macon as Director of Field Communications, using his award-winning dulcet tones to coordinate Watkins' delivery and repair vehicles. Henceforth, Attack will use his given name, Alan Boogie Michaels.

Wyoming's "number one love advisor of the airwaves," Yvonne Tobedyu of Casper talker KODD, leaves radio and moves to Santa Karma, California to become a charisma counselor.

GSM Roy Costerpoint of KSTD/Rio Gonner, TX takes his fast-talking sales abilities to Washington, DC, where he's joining the lobbying firm of Black, Mailer and Snitch. Having pushed to air sex worker ads in all dayparts on KSTD, Costerpoint's new gig is hardly a stretch. His first clients include several unnamed pharmaceutical companies, for whom he'll lobby against the proposed ban on erectile dysfunction product advertising during non-safe harbor times.

Seeing the virtual bulls-eye being painted on his gig, 28-year-old overnighter Louie "The Nose" Hoover of Chicago's WKMA has announced plans to relocate to Colombia after amassing a retirement nest egg of millions via an undisclosed side venture.

Earmarked for destruction at WNNI (Weenie 103)/Wilmington, DE, morning mouth Thor Thaddle resigns to star opposite Kate Winslet in a new romantic comedy about two taxidermists who find love, tentatively titled "Stuffed By You." Location filming begins in Panama City, Panama in July. Thaddle is no stranger to the silver screen, having held a part-time job at Wilmington's MultiCinema Seven during his tenure at WNNI. Still, he calls landing his "Stuffed" role "dumb luck."

Got your escape parachute ready? Email All The Excess! and give your colleagues some career transition tips: dirt@alltheexcess.com.

A no-news Wednesday?

All The Excess! wishes to apologize for the lack of new posts on Wednesday. Our entire staff was away attending a long-planned retreat/seminar on unbiased information gathering and accurate interpretation of second-hand photographic and text data. Our thanks to the Central Intelligence Agency, OK Magazine, and Fox News for their generous hospitality.

Entire broadcasting chain ignores Cinco de Mayo

Monolith Broadcasting, which recently began strong-arming its stations to use talent from a centralized pool, replacing extravagant local jocks, used the magic of voicetracking to make Cinco de Mayo disappear today.

Noticing an absence of token mariachi music and bits featuring feeble Mexican accents on various Monolith stations monitored today, we called Monolith Emperor of Programming Max Powers for a comment. Through a spokesperson, Powers ventriloquized, "Erica Generica, who recently began supplying midday and afternoon voice tracks for 82 under-staffed Monolith stations, voice tracked today's show so far in advance that she simply spaced Cinco de Mayo."


After a few margaritas, no one will care.

Powers continued, "It's entirely possible that people who were in the spirit of celebrating Cinco de Mayo were too drunk to notice her oversight, so no disciplinary action will be taken. However, in a show of good faith, Monolith will insure that a calendar is placed in or near our voicetracking studio. We agree that it's important not only to be national AND local, but also in-the-moment."

Generica, who was reportedly voicetracking her Memorial Day shows today, was unavailable for comment.

A No-Savage Zone

England has forbidden the unfortunately non-fictional talk show host Michael Savage from entering that country, basically calling him a professional hater.

OPINION: They've got to quit making real news that sounds like All The Excess! made it up.

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week

This week's bargain TV commercial sells the benefits of Saga's KAZR, Pella-Des Moines, IA...Lazer 103.3, "Everything that rocks." And when you're in Iowa, face it, you're going to find corn. Get ready for a megadose of thrift from a station that holds its listeners in the highest esteem!



Thanks to All The Excess! gentle reader Lu Ellen Diatribe of Mediapolis, IA for the nomination. You can suggest a future Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week by emailing TRSTVSOTW@alltheexcess.com. There's no prize if your nominee is selected, but oh, the notoriety!

Laid off radio people - what are they doing?

We asked several radio pros who have been recently downsized, "Just how have you spent your newly-found free time?" The answers may shock you. Or not.

Richie Lionelle, former morning sidekick, KRXL/Beaumont: "Now that we must spend all of every day together at home, my wife and I have finally found the time to attend the couples counseling we didn't know we needed."

A. Ray Directional, former chief engineer, Fluffycloud Baltimore: "I'm putting the finishing touches on a remote controlled airplane capable of strafing and bombing Fluffycloud's corporate offices. Plus, I've been studying anger management."

Juan Carlos Manichewicz, former APD/MD, KKIL/Bakersfield: "Since being laid off I've been able to watch my young son grow from his awkward days as a gangly seventh grader, through a troubling drug addiction in high school, and back to sobriety as a handsome freshman in college. My wife has been more than happy to work to pay the bills, since I have potentially damaging information on her father, a current U.S. senator. We've never been so close."

Ima Surviva, former executive assistant to CCC CEO F. B. Hynde: "At first I was afraid. I was petrified...kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, I grew strong...I learned how to carry on."

We'd love to hear your story of how you're spending your unexpected vacation. Email dirt@alltheexcess.com.

Truth - Stranger than fiction

At All The Excess! it's our lack of credibility that sets us apart. But please forgive us this once as we stray into the land of honest-to-god truth, because this time it's funnier.

Health care reform is the impossible dream...curing the economy is way too daunting. So Virginia Rep. James Moran (one tenuous letter away from "moron") is picking on an issue that's his own size. He has introduced a bill in Congress that would prohibit radio stations from airing commercials for erectile dysfunction and male enhancement products from 6am to 10pm daily.

(Again, we didn't make this up.)

If passed, those who violate this law would presumably face stiff fines.

(Jingle out)

Steal away. You know you want to.

Porcine pandemonium propels promotions

In between manic compulsive hand washings, All The Excess! has collected details of more brilliant radio promotions inspired by swine flu mania.

KNAA/Spokane is gettin' piggy with it by serving "Swine Flu Brew" exclusively at the station's trademark "We Ain't Leavin' Until We're Heavin'" happy hour events.

WSUQ/Lynchburg, Virginia has promised Britney Spears concert tickets to the person with the first confirmed case of swine flu in the station's home county. Station officials claim that this has caused a rash of incidents at area farms: Pigs and hogs are being chased and licked by teenagers and young adults. Area health officials are reportedly denouncing the contest, but WSUQ PD Chauncey Del Taco says "the phones are ringing feverishly!"

KFLU/Unalakleet, Alaska is asking listeners to suggest new call letters for the station, with a grand prize trip to Anchorage for the person submitting the winning call sign combination.

Meanwhile, WIDT/Jacksonville is reporting poor attendance at its weekend "WIDT/Petco Swine Flu Zoo," at which attendees were encouraged to hand-feed various types of tamed livestock.

A little self-serving...er, housekeeping

Thanks for visiting All The Excess! Since the mortgage and maintenance on our New York City news gathering mega-complex isn't getting any cheaper, we remind you to click click click on the ads in the right hand column. There's no obligation to buy anything, no salesman will call, and by doing so you keep All The Excess! from slipping into the kind of debt that would make Mel Karmazin blush and motivate John Hogan to summon the lawyers. With your continued support, one of these days we won't have to grovel embarrassingly like this. Go ahead, click one now! It won't hurt. Thanks again!

Man who taunts contest winners eludes police

Ft. Wayne, Indiana police are looking for a sore loser who delights in harassing winners as they come to pick up concert tickets won from Moneypit Broadcasting CHR WFYU.

The man, who apparently has not been successful at being the tenth caller, frequently lurks quietly in the station lobby. But when ticket winners arrive to collect their prizes, he has been known to engage in many forms of harassment, ranging from hurling epithets to vandalism.

"Every time I look up from painting my nails, he's back again" lamented WFYU receptionist Carrie Pepperspray. "I politely ask him to leave, but he comes right back, sometimes in disguise."

"The guy followed us all the way to our house and proceeded to decorate our trees and shrubs with long strands of toilet paper," Amanda Leanon, mother of a ticket winner, told All The Excess!

After weighing listener safety against the cost of postage and man-hours involved in other forms of prize delivery, WFYU GM Harold Square snorted "Mailing tickets to winners is out of the question."

Ft. Wayne police are looking for the man, but are confused by the multiple descriptions they have received, and frankly, have more important things to do.

In Memphis, it's all Ryan now

Hot AC WHPV (Lips FM)/Memphis has released its remaining air staffer and is believed to be the first station in America to showcase Ryan Seacrest 24/7.

Seacrest's four-hour syndicated show will be repeated six times per day on Lips FM, with "Best of Seacrest" shows airing each weekend.

According to WHPV's ever-candid GM Y.I. Makebudget, "We're headed that way anyway, why not just pull the trigger? Hell, it ain't brain surgery. I can take a hint from corporate when I hear one."

Despite the monotony of voices and the station's 18-song playlist, Lips FM will continue to use its "best variety" moniker, Makebudget said.

Weekend topic: Are contest pigs more or less likely to carry the swine flu virus?

Discuss.

Parade of summer shows continues

Dixx Broadcasting CHR KUNT (Kuntinuous Music 95.5)/Mormonia-Salt Lake City announces their third annual "Tabernacle Debacle" to be held just outside the famed Mormon Tabernacle on July 6. Some of the performers scheduled to appear: Fern Barr, The Ryan Seakrests, Excruciating Payne, Hogan's Zeroes, Smulyanomics, and the Great White tribute band Pyrotechniques. Guest host for the show will be former MTV vaporhead Nina Blackwood.

Frampton, Minnesota's Preparation H Stadium comes alive on June 27 when Ragweed's Rock KPUK (The Puck) presents "Puckfest IV," starring greats like Chuck U. Farley, Weaving Winnebago, The Whole Jollander, Red Sumnerstone, and Mann Dayson's Earth Band, and featuring the Garrison Keillor Mosh Pit. CNN's Nancy Grace will offer comic relief between acts, and proceeds from the event will benefit detached retina research.

Station: Keep calling it Swine Flu!

A radio station in Turkmenistan is opposing health officials who are trying to give a new name to what is now known as the "swine flu" virus.


Classic Hits H1N1 in Turkmenistan's third largest city, Merf-Kreffin, claims that the use of H1N1 to label the malady will harm the station's public image, and is an infringement on rigid Turkmenistan copyright laws.

The World Health Organization has begun referring to the virus as "H1N1" instead of "swine flu" to avoid damaging the pork industry.

Too poor for payoffs

Station H1N1 GM Orshvit Hydroplen told All The Excess!, "Please, we beg of you, we're a poor country, we can't afford lawyers and bribery. We must keep our station name pure and free of illness. So apologies to you pigs, but please, keep calling it swine flu! Or anything else!"

Ironically, station H1N1 had just begun a huge multi-media campaign with billboards all over metro Merf-Kreffin and expensive television commercials airing in the Turkmenistanian hit series, "Achtipez Vert mit Ryan Seacrest."