A.T.E.! Surgical Masks are Here!

Read the dirt...don't breathe it!

Now available, the official All The Excess! Surgical Mask! One size fits all, in white with the pinkish All The Excess! logo.

Order yours today for only $9.99. Inquire at sterilize@alltheexcess.com.

Finally, it's OK to inhale.

Mayday! Mayday!

This weekend marks the one-month anniversary of All The Excess! Thanks for all your support. Now, send a link to this site to every single person you know!

Putting the fun back in cost-cutting

The ever-creative folks at Fluffycloud Broadcasting have come up with a new policy that they claim will allow them to survive the economic downturn: Randomized paychecks.

Regular Fluffycloud employee paychecks have been discontinued. Instead, each Fluffycloud station will hold a drawing each payday for two paychecks. To be eligible for a check, an employee must not have taken any sick or personal time during the pay period, and the employee must be present at the time of the drawing to collect the money.

Chief Financial Officer Conrad "Con" Mann, who originated the random paycheck concept, told All The Excess! that since the average head count was now down to four staffers per Fluffycloud station, "those are fifty percent odds of being paid...better than anything in Vegas."

Mann noted that as an added perk, paycheck winners will also have the opportunity to risk their check for what's behind the curtain.

Viral promotions inspired by Swine Flu

Radio station promotion directors and programmers have their thinking caps on for creative ways to tie in to the current swine flu pandemic sweeping America. Among the best reported to All The Excess!:

News/Talk KBOR/Lincoln, NE has constructed a "Swine Flu Fallout Shelter" beneath the station's studios. Listeners register at local Marie Callender's Restaurants for a drawing that will let three winning couples spend the next six months rent-free (and presumably, flu-free) in the shelter.

CHR KUEN (Queen 96)/Barstow, CA is giving away family four-paks of Tamiflu to the 96th caller each time the station plays "Toxic" by Britney Spears.

AC WWQQ (100.7 The QQ)/Columbia, SC offers daily trips to destinations as far away from Mexico as possible in their "Swine Flu Over the QQ's Nest" contest. Listeners must register, then call when they hear their name as The QQ's personalities read the "listener diagnosis" of the hour.

Country KTWG (1420 K-Twang)/Ruidoso, NM is handing out "I'm infected" buttons on local street corners. Listeners spotted wearing the buttons are eligible for meager amounts of cash or traded-out appliances, and one grand prize winner will have all hospital bills paid by the station for a full month. The station reports that the "I'm infected" buttons are so wildly popular that counterfeit buttons have begun appearing in the market.

Are you one of the "Mighty 590?"

If you were part of the 3% solution...the 590 human bodies downsized this week in the latest mass hatchet job at Clear Channel...let All The Excess! help you cope.

Need to rant? Simply give us a screen full at rant@alltheexcess.com. We'll publish the really good ones...anonymously if you wish. (Please specify if you're ranting just to vent or for publication.)

Get it off your chest and onto the Internet! Ain't technology grand?

All The Excess! The unemployed blogging to radio's employed and unemployed alike!

Italian shaker caused by radio's maker?

An Italian scientist has theorized that radio is responsible for the recent earthquake in central Italy.

Roberto G. Parmesilli, Ph.D, of the Geologic Institute of Rome, believes that the quake three weeks ago was the result of radio's inventor, Guglielmo Marconi, rolling over in his grave.

Marconi is buried at the Church of Santa Croce, Florence, Italy, which could be close enough to the quake's epicenter for a quick casket spin to have set the earth's tectonic plates in motion, it is believed.

As for what could have caused Marconi's spirit to stir, read any radio trade site (including but not limited to this one).

Thrifty radio station TV spot of the week

Imagine...FOUR frequencies? Jumpin' Jiminy! That confusion plus a sh*tload of other information is packed into a hoppin' thrifty thirty for WOGI in market #24, Pittsburgh. And there was enough green left over for all these T-shirts:

Nominations for the TRSTVSOTW are gladly accepted at TRSTVSOTW@alltheexcess.com.

Radio great accused in attack on CCC cluster

Apparently responding to the latest wave of layoffs at Cost Clipping Communications, a beloved retired radio personality allegedly attempted an attack of vandalism on CCC's Lakeland, FL cluster today, but was foiled by modern technology.

Julius "Whitey" Rice, 84, known for his many years as host of the popular "Rice On Ice" morning show at WOOT/Duluth, is being held by Lakeland police for questioning. No one was injured in the incident.

Rice's granddaughter, RaisAnne Rice-Puddin, was one of twelve employees downsized at CCC/Lakeland earlier in the day. Apparently to avenge her firing, Rice entered the CCC lobby brandishing a bulk tape eraser, aiming to destroy the cluster's music and commercial library. When Rice discovered that tape cartridges had long since been replaced by the digital Profitt System™, he surrendered his "weapon" to the two remaining employees at the cluster and went quietly when police arrived, a witness said.

The CCC Lakeland group includes Country WDUI, Urban WCPS (Cheap-ass 92.5), and Sports WTBW (1400 The Benchwarmer).

Rice retired to the Sunshine State in 1992 and has a long history of mental illness, including the 37 years he spent in radio, 26 of them at the Duluth station.

Lights out at Ennui Broadcasting

The Minneapolis headquarters of Ennui Broadcasting were plunged into darkness Monday when power utility Minnetonkelectric cut power to the complex, citing non-payment.

Minnetonkelectric spokesmouth Merv Grinning told All The Excess! that the outage was standard operating procedure. "We do it to any customer who hasn't paid their bill in more than six months," Grinning chortled.

Ennui claims to own 31 stations nationwide. Ennui's lenders now control 13 of them, with more to come.

All The Excess! tried to visit the Ennui building but found only a "Closed temporarily for renovations" sign and numerous non-Ennui-related families living in a tent city set up on the vacant Ennui parking lot.

Silence and secrecy

All of this follows the suspension of cable TV, Internet access, and landline telephone service to Ennui HQ two weeks ago. All The Excess! tried to reach Ennui executives by cell, but their voicemail was full. Nor were blood relatives of Ennui execs or their next-door neighbors available for comment.

A.T.E.! Internationale

To demonstrate the world-wide scope of All The Excess!, here is select dirt from our global correspondents.

France: Popular 104.2 The Frog/Marseilles programme commissioner Marcel Duvet is off the air and under arrest, charged with scheming to import California table wine and English language-teaching CD-ROMs. He is being brutally tortured in advance of his trial, set for June 2. In Duvet's on-air slot for now is Ryan Seacrest.

Australia: Adelaide's 4QNU breakfast team becomes the first Australian show to prank Alaska Governor and ex-VP candidate Sarah Palin by posing as France's Nicolas Sarkozy. The global total is now up to 36 Palin-Sarkozy pranks from stations and networks in 21 countries. 4QNU also adds Ryan Seacrest for 5-9pm.

Burundi: National Government Radio Qoki announces that Ryan Seacrest will handle 9am-1pm on days when the prime minister's daily address is canceled.

The Netherlands: Radio Snaat/Den Haag greets new affiliates in Naasal and Faartnojl, and welcomes Ryan Seacrest for 1-5pm.

Weekend brain teaser answer

Of course, the revered radio personality best known for the wacky catchphrase, "Ponderous, f---ing ponderous" is Casey Kasem. (Happy birthday, Casey, from a little dog named Snuggles!) But since Delilah...darling of double-wide dwellers...was one of the multiple choices, it does give us the excuse to run this series of Delilah photos and wonder aloud, "Which Delilah is the one who shows up for work each evening?"

Radio remembers Bea Arthur

Radio stations around the globe continue to pay tribute to fallen "Golden Girls" and "Maude" star Beatrice Arthur, who passed away from cancer complications at her home in Los Angeles over the weekend. She was 86.

Proving radio's ability to react quickly to tragedy, and asserting that there are indeed some live bodies manning facilities on the weekend, the following stations led the way in honoring Ms. Arthur:

CCC AC WINO (Lighter 95.3)/Oxley-Sarbanes, KY and Dixx Classic Rock KKFK (Q109)/Bend, OR are among countless stations that have christened their on-air and/or street team members "The Maude Squad" in memory of Arthur.

Having only recently returned to regular broadcasting, Citadel's WARM/Scranton allegedly used the opportunity to sign off for another day as a silent homage to the star.

Fluffycloud CHR KVUL (VU 107.3)/Eucharist, OK bailed out of their "X-Men Origins" weekend upon learning of the news, and instead offered listeners VHS copies of the 1978 "Star Wars Holiday Special" in which Arthur starred in a song-and-dance number set at Mos Eisley Spaceport on the planet Tattooine.

And in an invisible-to-listeners yet reverent manner, WBEB/Philadelphia, WEZB/New Orleans, and WBZW/Pittsburgh have reportedly changed their audio branding to "Bea-101," "Bea-97," and "Bea-94" respectively as their way of honoring the memory of the deceased actress.

(Special note: Though most of these reports were unconfirmed as this article was published, All The Excess! has decided that in this case, timeliness trumps accuracy.)

Weekend brain teaser

Which revered radio personality is probably best known for the zany catchphrase,

"Ponderous, f---ing ponderous?"

Is it...

A. Brother Jon Rivers
B. Dr. Laura Ingraham
C. Arthur Godfrey
D. Delilah
E. Casey Kasem or
F. None of the above

Answer Monday!

Alleged Kimbrough stalker arrested

Police in Tampa have arrested a man accused of stalking conservative talk show host Derf Kimbrough. The man, 26-year-old Lloyd Floyd of nearby Clearwater, FL, was still being held as this story was filed.

According to Kimbrough, the two men first met when Floyd, posing as an Oxycontin reseller, lured Kimbrough to a Tampa park. The meeting apparently did not go as planned and Floyd began to trail him, the right-wing talker says.

"Twice late at night, he followed me all the way from an adult bookstore to my mother's house," the wingnut host claimed. Kimbrough has been staying with his mother in Tampa and broadcasting his program from her basement since his brutal tarring and feathering earlier this month. (See related story.)

"He even dressed up as a woman and infiltrated the staff of Monique's Massage, and he has been in my face at (posh gay disco) Chlamydia every Friday night," claimed Kimbrough. "The guy just won't leave me alone, and I think he wants more than I want to give."

Citing Kimbrough's apparent willingness to speak freely about the incidents, Floyd's legal team withheld comment to All The Excess! except to encourage us to publish the story. "You've got all you need to know...blog away," said Floyd's lead attorney with a smirk.

Flattery will get you everywhere

All The Excess! can't help but notice that another trade site is getting into our act. And we think it's pretty funny, at that. There's a report out there that the Max Media outlet in the Hampton Roads, VA market has gone to a format of "Classic Chinese Hits" and is calling itself "Kung Pao 100.5." Now, isn't this the kind of writer's embellishment on mundane news that you've come to expect from your friends here at All The Excess!? It's nice to know that after just three weeks and some change, our reporting style is being mimicked by one of the very trade sites we satirize. Imitation IS the most sincere form of flattery!

UPDATE: It seems that, independently of each other, several other trade sites are reporting the same thing, and an apparently legitimate web site for this Kung Pao 100.5 has even been uncovered. All The Excess! hesitates to admit that for the first time, we may have been duped into reporting factual radio dirt. How honest-to-god creativity could have seeped back into our medium is baffling, and the investigation is continuing at this hour. We'll get to the bottom of this.

OPINION: If this Kung Pao 100.5 is real, how much of the rest of the stuff in our archives is possible? Right now we are too frightened to speak. We can only hope that this station comes to its senses soon and ends this stunt, segueing smoothly into a safety-first format of auditorium tested music that will again lull the masses into a state of ennui, as it should be.

ANOTHER UPDATE: It was all a stunt, and now Tidewater gets Britney every fifteen minutes on the new "Hot 100.5." Kung Pao was fun while it lasted, but our prediction (in "Opinion," above) seems to have come true.

Riffed at Ragweed Radio

The ink was barely dry on the severance checks when All The Excess! learned of more layoffs at beleaguered Ragweed Radio late Thursday. Walking the plank off the corporate schooner are Ragweed Sr. VP/Programming Ronnie Robbie Roberts, CFO Jaime Selexa, and VP/Human Resources Jaghatta Dime. The Ragweed clusters in Missoula, MT and Dodge City, KS suffered losses as well. KHIK/Missoula MD Expendable Jones and KRYM and KULT/Dodge City OM Buster Tibia both found themselves sucker punched by the fickle fist of fate. In addition, KULT Noon-midnight personality Marathon Mike got the hearty heave-ho from Hades.

Analysts deduce that the cuts could save Ragweed $500 in cash and $43,000 in trade per month. Ragweed CEO Panzy Wrist tells All The Excess! that all smoked employees received generous severance packages including complimentary station T-shirts and a family four-pak of CDs "before you can even buy 'em."

Here come the summer station concerts

Brace yourself for an endless string of radio station summer blockbuster concerts! Among the first to be announced is the WFFY (101.7 The Ferry)/Washington, DC "Sweat Box '09." Acts appearing include The Logan Brothers, A.F.D. Eye, Lady Gagavenas, Kontner with a K, B.O.C., Multi Function One, and Ronald Aubrey Dayglo, all packed into the air conditioning-free Ben's Chili Bowl Arena on June 15. Hosting will be actor Gil Gerard of "Buck Rogers In The 25th Century" fame.

PPM on the silver screen

Clever Arbitron marketers are turning their Portable People Meter into a product placement machine, having negotiated many PPM appearances in current and upcoming motion picture releases. (Careful: spoiler alert!)

In the new James Bond flick "Kill Me Real Good," Bond's life is saved when a threatening bullet is stopped by the PPM he's wearing. Terrorists use a PPM to detonate a nuclear device in an Oprah Winfrey-like character's television studio in the upcoming psycho-thriller "Talk Isn't Cheap." And even adult films get into the act: Porn stars Dolly Inflate and Bjorn Endowed play a game of "hide the PPM" in the soon-to-be-released movie about upper-demo flight attendants, "Slut Dog MILF's In Air."

Arbitron's Deputy Director of Distractions Dyer E. Shredder says the company hopes these film appearances will make the PPM seem more like a "common and fashionable item in today's culture," and make recruiting PPM households "even more of a slam-dunk."

Wacky Earth Day radio shenanigans

An Earth Day stunt gone wrong has landed Trump-Madoff's KLUU (Clue 92.1)/Mt. Denial, CA in hot, polluted water with environmental activists and the community it serves.

Beginning on April 1, KLUU promoted an Earth Day-related drive to collect plastic grocery bags. Station vehicles were parked at various client locations, acting as collection points for the environmentally-unfriendly items. But yesterday, "Stunt Boy Elroy" phoned the madcap "Clue Morning Crew" to inform them that he had piled the collected bags near the I-3 freeway and set the huge mound on fire, apparently as a ratings-grabbing prank.

The resulting black cloud of thick, acrid smoke blacked out the sun and forced the closure of I-3 for three hours. At least fifty flights at nearby Calista Flockhart International Airport had to be delayed or canceled, and metro Mt. Denial residents were advised not to breathe outside air except through surgical masks. The fluorocarbon-heavy cloud could reportedly be seen from as far away as Reno and Phoenix, and by the orbiting Hubble Telescope.

KLUU GM Hortense Bucket told All The Excess! that nutty staffers "had no idea that this stunt could backfire so badly, but at least we knew that turkeys can't fly," invoking a famous episode of "WKRP In Cincinnati."

Stunt Boy Elroy and the entire zany Clue Morning Crew are suspended indefinitely while the environmental horror they masterminded...on Earth Day...is fully investigated.

Repeat visitors are god-like!

Remember, the more often you visit All The Excess! to get a dose of radio dirt, the more likely you'll get a cushy seat with a view up in heaven! Bookmark us now, while we're holding this pistol to your head! And...our sincere thanks.

Fluffycloud dreams of what might be

Disclaimer: It is normally the policy of All The Excess! not to junk up our editorial space with advertising. However, with our pockets newly lined with warm cash freshly borrowed from the remainder of a massive credit line, we have agreed...just this once ...to run the following talent-wanted ad from the fine and generous Americans who mismanage Fluffycloud Broadcasting.

Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week

This week's TRSTVSOTW comes from KRAY-FM in Salinas, CA. It's a jewel for the audio/video sync alone, but there are even more professional qualities screaming for the honor in this short clip. Congrats to La Buena!



The All The Excess! Thrifty Radio Station TV Spot of the Week is awarded to cost-conscious broadcasters who defy small budgets and dazzle television audiences with their slick video presence. Nominations are welcome at alltheexcess@gmail.com.

What happened in Vegas is staying in Vegas...

...at least according to this final NAB Show report from correspondent and WHXR/Elmira GSM Penny Stalk:

OK gang, here it is, my last report from beautiful Las Vegas...gotta fly back tomorrow because I have a yoga class to teach at home. Darla and I have been spending a lot of time in the exhibit hall, and guys with freakish deep voices and Sans-A-Belt slacks keep coming up to us like we're hookers! They wish...that's SO two years ago for both of us. Cammy was nowhere to be found for 36 hours, but she finally called...she met some guy who claims he's a major player at Sirius XM. I know, right? We laughed, too...but anyhow, I guess he's been taking real good care of her and she seems like she's having a fun time, although according to her he's not that good in the bedroom. She said it's kinda like satellite radio reception...unexpected drop outs all over the place, ha! We had to spend most of today kissing up to the rental car agency and the Vegas police department over that little accident we had on Sunday, so once again, the convention has been kind of a bust. But all that fender-bender crap is handled now and we held on to most of our dignity. OK, to keep this from being all about *us* again (and boy, did I hear about THAT) I found some more NAB related video on You Tube that's got this Prince impersonator performing for some content dudes at the Mirage...maybe you'll see somebody you know! Bye, campers! It's been tons of fun and I've really learned a lot! Woo-hoo! :)

Many happy RETURNS!

Our imaginative and valuable one-of-a-kind content is constantly changing throughout each working day here on All The Excess! Keep coming back to see what's new...four, five, even six times a day! (Think: Google Ad$ense)

The In-N-Out (mostly out) Report™

Moves on the cheap: At Hot AC WNGN (Swingin' 92.7)/Marvelette, MI, Junior Mince is in for 6-10pm, Toots Tremaine is out. Junior hails from WMRT/Walmart, MI where he went by the nom de aire Jhani Cumlately...Health reporter Phyllis Siff is out at News/Talk KBDY (1240 The Body)/Nostril, WY due to budget atrocities; shifts will be lengthened to eleven hours...French-Anglo night slammer Coyote DuBois is out at Smooth AC CIGR (Therapy 103.9)/New Winnipeg, QC, victim of the cost cutting guillotine, and beaming in is six excruciating daily hours of "Sleepytime Satellite" from ubiquitous relaxer Bartercast Nomenclature ...Though unpaid, morning stunt intern Lhasa Acne is still "budget cut" from the Slut Hut at Soft AC KHRN/Leg Width, TX...Leaving Rock WHVI (Lite 93.5)/Thermal Patch, NJ is quasi-wealthy PD Ledda Briefcase, with ex-funeral home interment consoler Manila Foldre on the way in as her much cheaper replacement.

Bronto exits KTRX; will consult

After an amazing 25 years with heritage KTRX (T-Rex 108)/Little Rock, OM/afternooner Bronto Suarez will leave the CCC classic rocker on April 30 to open his own consultancy.

Suarez commented, "After playing the same 330 top testing library tracks for 25 years, I believe I've finally grown enough to teach others how this works." He went on to note the multiple companies who have owned T-Rex 108 during his tenure: "Working with organizations like Ajax, Sara Lee, Two Trees, Hershey, Swashbuckler, Midas, Downeboy, BYO, Jurassic, and especially Aloha Trust has been a one-of-a-kind experience. I hope to regale my clients with fascinating war stories immediately."

Interestingly, Suarez's enthusiasm was not shared by CCC Central Time Zone GM Lance Pustule. Obviously inconvenienced by Suarez's decision, Pustule cracked wise, "There's a line from a Woody Allen movie that comes to mind. 'Those who can't do, teach...and those who can't teach, teach gym.' I'll add to that, 'Those who can't teach gym, consult.'"

Apparently unaware of Pustule's remarks, Suarez claimed that KTRX would be his first client station. Evening jock Cro-Magnon Man has assumed the role of interim PD at T-Rex 108 while an intensive county-wide search for Suarez's replacement is conducted.

More from the NAB in Vegas

Here's another report from All The Excess! Las Vegas correspondent Penny Stalk who's attending the NAB:

Oh my god, I didn't realize until the phone call just now that they wanted a report EVERY DAY! If I had known that....oh well, here goes. We slept until the maid woke us up and that was NOON...I was so upset that we missed the whole opening session and Flo Rida! But later we found out it wasn't Flo Rida after all but some guy named Florida who gave a speech. Pretty dull if you ask me. Cammy and Darla and I decided we'd go find the Liberace Museum, a Gucci store, and grab a late breakfast. One of the gay bars here is in the same strip center as the Liberace Museum...they temporarily changed its name to "Queer Channel" while the NAB is in town. Ha! Isn't that a RIOT?!?!?! Gotta run but here's some video of the lions at Siegfried and Roy's Secret Garden here in Las Vegas. Bye for now everybody, and Madonna, feel better! :)

FrugalStar's dark days

After realizing considerable cost savings from having an under-maintained AM facility go dark, FrugalStar Communications has announced that the total silence will spread to other markets on a daily basis.

FrugalStar chief U. G. Tonto has directed regional managers to designate one station per cluster to go dark each day. Stations within each cluster will rotate days off the air, with AM stations given extra weight in the decisions. In other words, for every one day an FM station stays off the air, a corresponding AM might take two days off, etc. The exact formula will be worked out at the corporate level and delivered to managers confidentially.

This comes on the heels of FrugalStar's mandate of two months ago that all stations, AM and FM, cease broadcasting between the hours of 9pm and 5am local time daily.

"Staff (who still work for only one station) will not be required to report to work on their station's dark days, and may enjoy a day off without pay," huffed Tonto. "The savings in payroll and electricity will better position the company for the next double digit revenue decrease, and we know our employees, joyful that they still have jobs, will relish the free time with their families."

ANALYSIS: FrugalStar's stock price (FRUT closed at $0.04 in Friday trading) could climb closer to the dime level with this shrewd move, as long as advertiser and listener complaints can be muzzled.

NAB Vegasvision

It’s the NAB Radio Show in Vegas! And reporting on it for All The Excess! Is WHXR/Elmira GSM Penny Stalk, who responded to our request for volunteer stringers. Penny writes:

My GM wanted me to do this reporting for All The Excess! to make sure I’m really going to the NAB and not drinking and gambling, ha ha! I’m here with two of my girlfriends, Cammy and Darla…together we’re like the Sex And The City girls especially when we’re out of town! (Cammy is the one most like Samantha.)

All of us got here on Sunday and since then it’s been one thing or another. First Darla’s plane was THREE HOURS late! Then on the way back from picking her up at the airport we rammed the rent car into a pool cleaning truck! What a hassle. Cleaning up that little fender bender is bound to keep me away from an NAB session or two (at least I’m counting on it, ha!).

We’re staying at Planet Hollywood and it is SO PACKED! The Miss USA pageant was here Sunday night! We took a break from booze and slots to see if we could spot any celebrities…Cammy thought she saw a dude from CSI but that was it. Ho-hum. Darla went off to see that Paul McCartney at some new place...she’s older, so we get that. Cammy and I blew about fifty bucks each on slots and hung out at the bar hoping for hot guys, but we just saw these fat geezers we think are here for the NAB too.

If it sounds like we’re kinda low key for being in Vegas it’s because the whole Madonna falling off the horse thing kinda put a damper on our mood. We are SO SO SORRY about that and we hope she makes a quick recovery and isn’t afraid to get right back up on the next stallion and ride.

So the NAB really gets going on Monday. I hear there’s a party at the Keynote with Flo Rida! I love that “Right Round” song so I’m really looking forward to that. Better run now, gotta crash for at least a few hours before convention fun begins, hoop-te-doo.

Friend us on Facebook!

All The Excess! has made the giant leap to Facebook! Only they wouldn't let us sign up with a three-word name, so we're "All TheExcess" there. (You can call us "All" for short...Facebook does.)

Some of you gentle readers will be getting Facebook friend requests from us. Please say "yes." If we don't reach out to you, it's just an oversight...reach out to us! Let's be FFF - Facebook friends forever!

UPDATE: Our very first Facebook friend: Tribune's Chief Innovation Officer Lee Abrams! Thanks, Lee, your All The Excess! T-shirt is on its way! AFDI!

Weekend Topic: Aren't the concepts "Increased localism" and "Premium choice" mutually exclusive?

Discuss.

Breaking: Fortress crumbles!

In its own effort to raise the bar on programming and bring localism back again, privately held Fortress Communications is being dissolved. By the end of this year, they will be completely out of business.

The bombshell was dropped at the reading of the will of Fortress President and founder Jurgen N'Dye, who passed away from stress-related complications March 31. In the self-penned living will, N'Dye stated that "Radio has become a shadow of its former self. Operators have whored properties and slashed budgets so much that the product itself is a bad joke. Localism is non-existent and radio is no longer the friendly companion it once was to all Amerikans (sic). And embarrassingly, Fortress Communications has been one of the worst culprits. Thus it is my dying wish that the company go the way of the do-do bird by the end of 2009."

Family members are expected to contest the will, though the company's insolvency leaves them with nothing to inherit besides a bunch of antiques and an HD radio. Sources say the N'Dyes will ask for a judge's ruling on the legal meaning of the "way of the do-do bird" line.

But Fortress executives have wasted no time and apparently concur with Jurgen N'Dye's dreary outlook. CEO Hussein M. Greedie and his right-hand person Trudy Light have already fired themselves, collecting massive severance packages along the way. The company's network operation Fortress Media has announced that their services will end on May 31. And it is expected that the 112 Fortress radio stations, including several major market stations Fortress was incapable of running in the first place, will be sold for unbelievable closeout prices before January 1, 2010.

The exit of Fortress Media alone is expected to create 4,700 jobs at the local level, and/or be a windfall to other struggling programming providers like Wurstradio and Jocks a la Carte.

Stork droppings

All The Excess! congratulates WANG/Murfreesboro production director Isaac Lockjaw and wife Fern on the arrival of Rapunzel June, April 15. And a hearty "may you make enough to feed another one" to KPNS/Santa Roberta de la Biblioteca, CA's midday maestro Roger Manatee whose wife Aroma gave birth to their seventh child Poncho Matsui Manatee on Tuesday the 14th. Best wishes to the young'uns and don't let them follow in your footsteps!

Thrifty radio station TV spot of the week

All The Excess! at the NAB!

Don't get all excited by the headline. Not gonna be there. Do you think the money from these puny Google AdSense ads can pay for even one plane ticket?

However, we're welcoming volunteer stringers...folks attending the NAB who'd like to feed dirt to All The Excess! for no pay.

• That's right, no pay. What of it? Hey, you're in radio! Not a doctor or architect like Mom and Dad wanted. You're used to working for nothing, right? Or next to it. And this blog has only been around since April 2. You think it's a REVENUE STREAM? Far from it. So why should you expect anything but notoriety from All The Excess!?

Good. Glad we got that pissy attitude straightened out from the get-go. Now on with the countdown.

So don't let what happens in Vegas stay in Vegas. Contact us at *AllTheExcess at gmail dot com* with your humble offer to send us story ideas. Maybe we'll send you our first dollar when we make one.

No pain, no gain - 'Hits that hurt' racks up ratings

Metroplex listeners are beating a path to KSNM/Fort Worth, according to the latest Arbitron PPM ratings. Today, All The Excess! takes a look at why KSNM's unique "Hits that hurt" format is whipping the competition.

"Hits that hurt" is service-marked by consultant Donna Matrix and offered on a market-exclusive basis. Matrix explained some of the HtH basics: "In terrible economic times, listeners want to strike back...get revenge...inflict some of the pain they're feeling. And we offer them a chance to live vicariously through us as we beat, bash, and batter the hits. At KSNM, your pain means our (ratings) gain."

The proof is in the playlist. Some of the hottest daytime gold titles on format flagship KSNM are Britney's "I'm A Slave For You," Carl Douglas' "Kung Fu Fighting," "Whip It" by Devo, "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar, and the Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil."

Nights take on a darker tone, when core artists shift to the likes of Nine Inch Nails, Cannibal Corpse, and Combichrist.

"KSNM's Music Masters flog the hits with pure passion and pain," boasted Matrix. (see line-up) "And we're promotionally dominant with giveaways from partner clients including Target, Hertz, and major chains."

Though audience numbers are climbing steadily, KSNM faces a license challenge from the Southern Baptist Coalition, which asserts that KSNM glorifies sex and violence via the station's music and presentation. Ever salty with her language, Donna Matrix's comment on that issue is unprintable, even here.

Us too! Twitter!

No, these aren't necessarily "slow news days." All The Excess! admits to spending way too much time on Twitter. Follow us there: http://twitter.com/AllTheExcess

CZ chickens out with unusual Denver swap

Cubic Zirconia, Ltd. exits the radio business with the trade of its Denver-market class C FM KFKD (93-D) for two KFC restaurant franchises in suburban Aurora, CO. The unusual no-cash deal was approved by the FCC today.

CZ President James N. Ept told All The Excess! that he welcomes the challenge as he enters an entirely different industry. "We've already seen areas where we can eliminate some staffing inefficiencies. Via the Prophet system we can voicetrack both our drive-thru facilities from a centralized location." He plans to maintain live voices during morning drive, and has trimmed the menu down to three top-testing meals tailored for each restaurant's neighborhood.

Former owners of the KFC restaurants, Ronald "Finger Lickin'" Goode and Regina Fine-Eaton (dba "Goode Eaton Broadcasting") voiced excitement over their new status as media moguls. "We don't know a heck of a lot about radio, so we hired five consultants to figure it out for us," admits Goode. "We know we have to expand the menu, keep the place clean, and improve on friendly customer service. That's a no-brainer."

Fine-Eaton shared Goode's enthusiasm: "No hot wing is as spicy as a conference call with all those consultants!" she crowed. "You don't have to know what they're talking about...you can tell by the way they argue with each other that there's real passion in the broadcasting business, and that has to translate to success!"

The uncommon trade deal is expected to double the number of radio programming vs. fast food comparisons heard in stuffy conference rooms at stations nationwide.

The Ides of April, MMIX

"It was like a truck passing by...I heard a large boom followed by a rolling sensation." ----Elderly caller to L.A.'s KCAL-TV9

Los Angeles, April 15, 2009 - Feel that pre-shock? It's the Los Angeles radio market getting ready to spasm beneath your feet.

It's as if the foundation of the earth itself is nervous and unsteady. In this year of change and upheaval in the radio biz, probably nowhere is the vibration of uncertainty felt by more shallow and blase listeners than in this bustling community of the fabulous, smothered under a choking burnt sienna haze in a natural, quake-prone basin surrounded by spectacular mountains whose beauty is exceeded only by the treachery of their rugged canyons and the precariousness of multiple geologic faults.

This is the market where double digit revenue drops continue to keep executives and their Maalox from being more than a few feet away from each other. Where CBS keeps an Oakwood Gardens temp/corporate apartment specifically for its cluster manager of the week. Where a class B FM is being taken over today by a mysterious foreign power with plenty of pesos and unknown empirical intentions.

It is on this day that the All The Excess! staff enlisted the California Highway Patrol for their help in gauging the emotions, fears, and ennui of just one micro-culture in this multi-ethnic populus. We had the CHP pull over radio station vans all over the L.A.-Orange County area and ask pimply, frightened, paranoid intern drivers what's on their mind. Now, the results can be shown:

Watch out. The All The Excess! attitude temp-takers could be coming to your market next.

Masters of our own domain

Our page views are way up...our unique visitors number continues to grow exponentially by the day. And as we close out only our second week in existence, we thank you for passing the All The Excess! URL to friends, co-workers, and even co-workers who are friends.

Now, however, you must do it again. As of today, All The Excess! has a shorter, easier-to-remember address:

www.AllTheExcess.com. (Try it now! We'll wait.)

That's five full characters shorter than what you've been typing to feel the latest industry slime ooze between your toes. Imagine the accomplishments you'll rack up without those extra key strokes each day!

Again, that's www.AllTheExcess.com..."the site to click when you need dirt...quick!™"

Report: FCC to outsource PPM investigation...to France!

Sources who regularly beg us for All The Excess! T-shirts inform us that the FCC is in talks with the French Surete regarding handling the upcoming Arbitron Portable People Meter investigation.

This is an unprecedented move for the U.S. government, as an American agency has never outsourced its business to a foreign power before. Eyebrows all over Washington are at full staff over the reported hand-off.

When All The Excess! contacted the Paris office of the Surete, Chief Inspector Dreyfus initially denied the report, yet later in the conversation suggested that Inspector Jacques Clouseau (pictured) would be perfect for the case.

Arbitron's PPM is getting the hairy eyeball from certain African-American, Hispanic, and Smooth Jazz broadcasters who are crying "Wa-a-a-ah" over initial PPM numbers, which in many cases are markedly lower than results generated through the previous crayon-on-paper methodology.

Should Clouseau indeed accept the probe, the PPM story could be an extra BFD, and A.T.E.! will bring you every French-kissed development.

R.I.P. "Radio's buddy" L. Beau Pancreas

Sad news oozed into the All The Excess! news room over the weekend..."radio's buddy," L. Beau Pancreas, passed away from cancer of the johnson on Sunday. He was 73.

Pancreas was renowned for his constant travels and relentless airchecking of air personalities nationwide. "He'd come to town with eight to ten cassette decks rolling," remembers KHYK/Moab, UT PD Shotgun Louie. "And he'd always catch you in a potty mouth moment or when you'd forget your name or something. If a tape wasn't incriminating, he'd throw it out. Those sure were good times."

CCC honcho F. B. Hynde paid tribute to Pancreas: "When L. Beau turned to video in the eighties, he was responsible for two of my divorces. We never knew until later that not only was he rolling tape in the studio, but he had cameras trained on the jock lounge as we enjoyed the talents of hit line babes, too." Funds raised from such recordings are said to be what paid for Pancreas' many cross-country airchecking treks.

Pancreas himself spent some time behind the mic as play-by-play announcer for the Wichita Mountaineers hockey team from 1971-1977. But possibly his most lasting contribution was mass-producing and distributing copies of the infamous Casey Kasem "death dedication" blooper reel, long a favorite at cocktail parties.

Pancreas never married and was preceded in death by both parents. The only known survivors are two cousins, Mr. and Mrs. Faron Stormdrain of Ing, GA. Donations in Pancreas' name may be sent to the Johnson Research and Rehabilitation Center, Cialis, NY.

A.T.E.! does Easter in NYC

All The Excess! celebrated the holiday by staggering to the Easter Parade here in New York City. Gathering not far from the A.T.E.! penthouse, on Fifth Avenue near St. Patrick's Cathedral, the Easter Parade crowd is made up of bent New Yorkers showing off the haute couture of spring, much like this guy

<<<

...and to be sure this blurb had the mandatory radio angle, we caught up to a relatively upper-demo listener to NYC's 92.3 Now FM who has created the station's first Facebook fan page. Here she is fearlessly greeting a rare breed of bunny-dog....

Weekend Topic: With the overnight popularity of Lady GaGa, is "Ga" the new "Zsa?"

Discuss.

Hookers weep as BLOW cancels July meet

The Broadcast Lobbyists Of Washington (BLOW) group has canceled its annual convention, scheduled for July at Tucson's posh Le Schmooze resort. BLOW head Jackson McQueen blamed low registration numbers on the ever-worsening scapegoat that is the U.S. economy.

Among the hardest hit are Tucson's adult industry workers, some of whom voiced their concerns to All The Excess! "Hookers and BLOW go together like breakfast and orange juice," cooed one vividly augmented woman, who declined to be identified.

The cancellation also creates gaping, festering holes in the schedules of actor/singer John Davidson, who was poised to keynote the event, and banquet performers including the all-female faith-based Nightranger tribute band, Sisters Christian. Those wishing to book these acts should contact their agency Waning, Appeal and Cachet, at 818-555-2000.

All The Excess! is Twittering!

...but we should be fine if we can just get some sleep this weekend. Seriously folks, follow us via Twitter for instant tweets as radio "stuff" is thrown against the All The Excess! wall. Click to your heart's content.

Contest hogs wallow in Lips FM layoffs

In an unusual twist to serial budget slashing, Hot AC KMLP (Lips FM)/Albuquerque is letting listeners decide which staffers get the heave-ho in an on-air sweepstakes.

"We want to bring an air of showmanship back to the biz, even in these dire economic times," expectorated Lips FM Owner/GM Fee Thuckwad.

Listeners can log on to the Lips FM web site and view images and bios of employees, ranging from jocks to sales people to the receptionist. Each week one worker will be downsized according to Lips FM fan votes. (Oddly, Thuckwad's photo and information could not be located by All The Excess! when we examined the site.)

At the end of twelve weeks, one participant in the "Lips Lucky Layoff" contest will be chosen at random to win $10,000 cash and an expense-paid trip to see Britney Spears perform in El Paso.

O'Reilly fan group LOOFA claims responsibility for Kimbrough/Righteous attack

Apparently LOOFA (the Legion of O'Reilly Fans and Admirers) is behind the kidnapping, tarring, and feathering of radio talkers Derf Kimbrough and Selva Righteous earlier this week.

Viewers of CNN's "Larry King Live" Thursday evening heard an unidentified caller interrupt King's lovefest with actress Mary Ann Mobley, and claim LOOFA's role in the attack, which left the talk duo grimy and shaken but otherwise unharmed. Motivation for the incident was to garner support to force LOOFA hero Bill O'Reilly back on daily radio, according to the voice on King's phone.

King went on to reminisce about Mobley's "Girl From U.N.C.L.E." TV role after the sudden interruption.

The FBI has ceased investigating the private phone records of all liberals and is now probing the more conservative LOOFA, according to sources familiar with All The Excess!

NOW™ hear this: WLDO recruits teens in CHR flip

As foretold by the All The Excess! Ouija board, Springfield Grains' WLDO/Mobile is the latest lamb to follow the flock of NOW™ sheep, adopting the astoundingly fast-rotation CHR format this morning at 9am.

First hour of the new "95.9 Now, the channel with a handful of hits":

Britney Spears "If You Seek Amy"
Lady GaGa "Poker Face"
Britney Spears "Circus"
Lady GaGa "Just Dance"
Kanye West "Heartless"
Britney Spears "If You Seek Amy"
Hamilton, Joe Frank and Reynolds "Don't Pull Your Love"
Lady GaGa "Poke Her Face"
Britney Spears "Circus"
Kanye West "Love Lockdown"
Lady GaGa "Just Dance"

Obviously, the station needs service from all labels.

WLDO's sign on follows two days of non-stop police sirens and babies crying, audio stunts which outraged yet intrigued the citizens of the Gulf Coast. The station is actively looking for a PD who has a high tolerance for teen angst and enjoys oppressive humidity.

Significant HD radio milestone marked

Though no HD-only radio channel in America has yet met minimum reporting standards, ratings monolith Arbitron announced today that it has recorded its tenth diary mention of an HD2 channel.

The honor belongs to CCC's WFRT-FM HD2, Bristol-Palin, NC. A 13-year-old diary keeper recorded one half hour of listening to WFRT's "Deep Hits" HD2 service, according to Arbitron spokespuppet Latrina Jowls.

President Chester Clapridden of the HD Radio Alliance told All The Excess! that his organization celebrated the milestone with a champagne toast, clowns, and face painting. "The euphoria was so thick here at HD HQ that you could poke it with a fluffy cushion!" he said.

Apparently too busy to be quoted, CCC Eastern Time Zone GM Hyde Revenue gave credit to WFRT's staff of one, "Sleepy" Dave Bunkbed. Bunkbed also oversees the cluster's WGYP, WGYP-FM, WGYP-FM HD2, WFRT-AM, WFRT-FM, WIYI-FM, WIYI-FM HD2, WIYI-FM HD3, and WQFQ in addition to WFRT-FM HD2's "Deep Hits" format.

A vengeful god destroys KUFU tower, multiple double-wides

A line of tornadoes blew through suburban Omaha this evening, taking out the 1300-foot tower of contemporary Christian KUFU. Station officials said that KUFU is broadcasting from a backup facility, and staffers are praying for a miraculous reversal of circumstances. The station is stunting with Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time" in support of the prayer effort.

The same storms were responsible for the utter devastation of at least twelve trailer parks in the city of Omagawd, IA, across the river from Omaha.

There's another broadcasting angle to this weather story, and it's a bright spot: While power and communications remain offline for the Iowa mobile home communities affected, listeners to the nightly nationally-syndicated Tallulah show should have a much easier time getting through on the phones.

Thor Luther's story to remain untold

All The Excess! regrets to inform our regular readers that our much publicized interview with CHR programming legend Thor Luther will not be appearing tomorrow as planned.

As you may have read elsewhere, Thor "Are you speaking with a lisp?" Luther was recently taken into Canadian custody after he was found in a rustic cabin of his own making, with stockpiles of military rations, a cache of automatic weapons, and a functioning nuclear warhead on the property. Speculation that Luther was planning to wipe out his home town of Kalispell, MT as revenge for losses in the CHR wars of the seventies and eighties has run rampant.

After researching the case, Luther's lawyers now believe they can get Thor freed on a technicality. So that no further damaging evidence comes to light, the legal team has requested that we not publish the interview, and after many threats of physical violence, we have agreed to abide by their wishes.

All The Excess! shares your disappointment and begs for your understanding and forgiveness, yet we delight in being at the center of what might have been an international incident. So you see, not f---ing with us is probably a really good idea. That's why you should be sure to return all our phone calls and emails as we continue digging up the dirt!

Thor who?

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Schizoid sign-on in Saskatoon

Clorox's new signal CISZ (Schizoid 105)/Saskatoon hit the air this morning, making it Canada's first Sports/AC hybrid under ultra-specific new CRTC rules mandating two diverse formats on one low powered (less than 1.35 kw) frequency with antenna less than 162 feet above average terrain, offering primary service to urban areas only. Slogan: "Things are different up here." CISZ announced a lineup of multiple personalities:

5-9am Dawn and Don (Dawn: sports, Don: occasional AC)
9-11am Tee and Krumpets Golf Show
11-2pm Bob and Carol (AC)
2-4pm Ted and Alice (potpourri)
4-6pm Lenny and Squiggy Sports Rap (sports, duh)
6-9pm Ryan Seacrest (ACish with absolutely no sports)
9-12pm Bourgeois and Banal (French sports)
12-5am Music till Dawn and Don (AC, duh)

PD "Percy the Jock" takes music calls Wednesdays from 1-5pm CT.

Exclusive: Kimbrough/Righteous found bound in startling scene!

All The Excess! has learned that righty talkers Selva Righteous and Derf Kimbrough, missing from their respective national radio talk shows since Friday, have been located, but in a bizarre and compromising situation that suggests foul play.

An 11-year-old boy playing on a rifle range in suburban Columbus, OH discovered the two pundits late Tuesday. The glib but gagged duo were bound together at the wrists and ankles and partially covered in tar and feathers, attracting the child's attention as they bounced and rolled through a dusty creek bed.

The FBI is investigating the crime as a kidnapping and agents would only grunt when asked questions by All The Excess!

While cooperating with investigators, Righteous and Kimbrough remain publicly silent on the incident. Both were taken to a local hospital where they were treated for minor injuries and kept overnight for observation. They are expected to be tar-free, de-feathered, and released with nifty new wrist bracelets today.

Righteous syndicator Newcomb Networks offered no explanation for the shocking discovery, but issued a simple statement saying, "We're glad to have our Selva back from what must have been one heck of a memorable weekend. That girlfriend can party!"

Kimbrough's network TR offered the press a darker tone, vowing revenge on the perpetrators: "Derf is alive and well, and for that we praise Jesus. Obviously this is the work of the lefties Derf crucifies mercilessly on a daily basis, and in God's name we will not relent until we feed all liberals to piranhas."

Both hosts are expected to resume their daily duties Monday after some time off for rest and recuperation. FBI investigators continue to probe how the two ended up hundreds of miles away from their respective homes with an uncomfortable tar and feather coating. No suspects have been named, but conservatives appear to be off the hook on this one.

UPDATE: Fox has entered the first bid for TV movie rights to the incredible story.

Breaking: Where's Waldo?

Upon takeover by new owner Springfield Grains Broadcasting, heritage country WLDO (Waldo 96)/Mobile reportedly sh*t-kicked its air staff and began airing a loop of an annoying crying baby Tuesday night at 6pm. What's up for Waldo? We can't say "NOW™" but the curtain of suspense will be shredded soon!

Flighty Righties

The shovels of two of talk radio's conservative custodians were inexplicably empty again today, prompting curiosity from listeners and co-workers alike.

Selva Righteous was once again missing from her national pulpit, replaced at the last minute by a demo of "The Smooth Jazz Top 20 Countdown." Righteous syndicator Newcomb Networks had no comment, though the host's baffled producer Agenda LePorque revealed to San Francisco's KIVX-TV that Righteous was due to host a dinner party for political liability Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) Monday night and failed to appear.

At TR (TalkRight, Ltd.), arch conservative Cliff Dweller (pictured) appeared in regular hater Derf Kimbrough's place for the second consecutive day. Dweller's show was frequently interrupted by extremely long commercial breaks, no doubt due to Dweller's well-documented colon malady. TR had no verbal comment but issued an official shoulder shrug when asked about Kimbrough's whereabouts.

All The Excess! promises to get to the bottom of this mystery. Keep your browser tuned to this bat-frequency for all the latest where-are-the-wingnuts alerts.

Send In The Clones

With Amp Radio/LA crowing about early PPM results and throwing around figures like "215% growth," "more than 2 million listeners," and "already #2 in teens," can more Amps be far off?

We predict an Amp/Now clone in each of the top 25 markets by June 1, 2009! It's easy, it's cheap! And to make it even easier, we asked ubiquitous consultant Mark Mywords to distill the formula down to three essentials:

1. Dub some catchy, peppy songs onto your hard drive. No number is too few, but 50 is too many. We're talking total library here, not just currents (having more than 12 currents is poison). Now that's variety, and it can be done in the time it takes to have a staff meeting!

2. Play the hottest tunes in a fast rotation until listeners start bitching. When that happens, double or triple the rotation. 140 spins a week is not too many! They may complain, but that's because they don't know what's good for them.

3. Have your jocks ridicule your competition, because as we all know, everybody loves a bully! (If there's no other 18-34 targeted CHR in your market, you can always lampoon Radio Disney.)

Of course, there's a little more to it than that, like a catchy name and maybe a little tailoring to your market. Get creative! In Seattle, you might want to consider "Damp Radio," etc. And don't forget about spamming the social networking sites, because that's what kids these days are really into...that is, until they find out stuffy adults are aware of that, at which time they'll move on to something else! Best of luck, and may your ratings sizzle as your hits fry!

(Disclaimer: No guarantees that ratings increases will be lasting are implied. Not proven to do wonders for the perception that radio plays the same songs over and over again and has too much yakking. Intended only for a quick lift before a looming debt payment. Ask your lender if the Amp/Now formula is right for you. Do not dawdle; your competition is reading this too.)