Johnny Van Suedanbitter is well known throughout the industry as a one time radio guy, camp counselor, life coach, magazine editor, personal trainer, therapist, mobile DJ, professional eulogy deliverer, and most recently as a motivational speaker giving seminars around the country. He's been called "The Tony Roberts of Doom" by Flask Company magazine. All The Excess! asked Johnny to contribute a 2009 holiday message.I'm almost speechless.
Almost.
You see, many of my predictions are coming true.
Just call me the Amazing Kreskin.
Citadel and Fagreed...well, you know.
I've written about them until I'm blue in the face...see new photo.
In fact, I have hundreds of photos of myself which you'll see when you visit my blog, "Insulting Media's Mediocrity."
Collect the whole set.
But I digress.
A lot.
Anyway, it's all coming true.
I told you it was going to get worse.
Before it gets better.
If it gets better.
And you don't have to read between the lines.
But I leave lots of space between lines in case you want to try.
It's holiday time.
"Ho ho ho!"
(That's not an uncharacteristic lapse into happiness, it's the title of my favorite RuPaul album.)
It sucks out there.
People are jobless.
Penniless.
Broke.
Zip.
Nada.
So it's a great time to hold a seminar, I say.
Say "happy holidays" to yourself and go without meals for a couple of months.
It'll be worth it, I promise.
You can sign up over at my blog.
What are you doing reading this one, anyway?
If you're a true glutton for punishment, I give you all you could ever want over at my blog.
I'm the lump of coal in your stocking.
I'm the Scrooge who won't come to the holiday party.
I'm the Grinch.
So if you're expecting a jolly holiday remark from me, you're looking at the wrong guy.
2010? Bah.
More of the same.
Same crap, different year.
Same blog, different words.
Well, a lot of the same words in slightly different order.
Daily.
If they ever fix radio, I don't know what I'll write about.
So I'm secretly praying that they don't.
I give advice I know no one will take.
Then when they don't, I say, "told ya so."
I don't have any real solutions anyway, but did I mention my seminar?
Thought so. But it scrolled off the screen so I wasn't sure.
Sign up. We'll have fun.
I'll tell depressing stories about how the good old days won't be back.
You'll sit in an uncomfortable hotel chair and listen.
Good times.
Anyway, thanks to All The Excess! for the chance to express myself.
When I want to see myself parodied, I come here.
But humor is fleeting.
Soon I'm sour again.
And when I'm sour, you're gonna know about it.
I almost parody myself.
Almost.
Happy...ah, forget about it.
