Faced with potential stock de-listing, plummeting revenues, and mountainous debt, representatives of the Fuster-Cluck Broadcast Group continue to brush off their worries and on Monday called for employees to join in a "group hug."Fuster-Cluck reported a 50% decline year-to-year as they confessed Q2 results Monday.
"Those ugly numbers are like a beauty contest," President Findlay F. Fuster, Jr. told employees in a memo distributed company-wide. "No one ever gets to see the numbers that never matter."
"It's easy to look at that 50% and say the glass is half-empty," said Fuster, "when half of it isn't even full."
"Yeah, but a year ago it was a Big Gulp," said Megabank's Cheech Flanspoon, who keenly monitors radio company fortunes and failures on Wall Street. "Investors are thirstier than that. Fuster-Cluck's liquid assets taste like bong water," he continued in typical non-sequitur fashion.
In his memo, Fuster urged company employees to consider the positives of the past year. "You all have much more breathing room in the workplace," he said without mentioning the massive layoffs of February '09. "Those of you in studios no longer must share them," he said of the 50% downsizing of on-air and production talent. "And as always, non-rationalization and non-denial have never been our way here in the home office."
As employees struggled with the mounting number of double negatives, Fuster closed with a hand-drawn happy face and the customary company motto, "No matter how much you think things suck, it's never not worse at Fuster-Cluck."
