An 11-year-old boy playing on a rifle range in suburban Columbus, OH discovered the two pundits late Tuesday. The glib but gagged duo were bound together at the wrists and ankles and partially covered in tar and feathers, attracting the child's attention as they bounced and rolled through a dusty creek bed.
The FBI is investigating the crime as a kidnapping and agents would only grunt when asked questions by All The Excess!
While cooperating with investigators, Righteous and Kimbrough remain publicly silent on the incident. Both were taken to a local hospital where they were treated for minor injuries and kept overnight for observation. They are expected to be tar-free, de-feathered, and released with nifty new wrist bracelets today.
Righteous syndicator Newcomb Networks
offered no explanation for the shocking discovery, but issued a simple statement saying, "We're glad to have our Selva back from what must have been one heck of a memorable weekend. That girlfriend can party!"Kimbrough's network TR offered the press a darker tone, vowing revenge on the perpetrators: "Derf is alive and well, and for that we praise Jesus. Obviously this is the work of the lefties Derf crucifies mercilessly on a daily basis, and in God's name we will not relent until we feed all liberals to piranhas."
Both hosts are expected to resume their daily duties Monday after some time off for rest and recuperation. FBI investigators continue to probe how the two ended up hundreds of miles away from their respective homes with an uncomfortable tar and feather coating. No suspects have been named, but conservatives appear to be off the hook on this one.
UPDATE: Fox has entered the first bid for TV movie rights to the incredible story.
